Re: Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!)

In the next scene, Sir James goes to visit the distillery where the vodka is made. It is here that he will meet the leading lady who will join him for the rest of this adventure and I'd like to ask for help with her name. Now, in these enlightened times, we shouldn't use such names as

Ivana Gettemoff
Mipusi Cravezthee
Lemmy Pleaseyou

etc. Any ideas?


Re: Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!)

That's fine, but I never expected the Martha joke to be included.


Re: Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!)

I've collected the pieces above at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/961833/#p961833

I'll start writing the next scene soon, but am stuck on the name for the leading lady.


Re: Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!)

Nobody playing? Okay then...

(A vodka distillery. Sir James sits with ye director.)

Sir James: 'Tis good of thee to see me at such short notice, director. I understand thou art here from ye land of ye Tsars?
Director: Da, and I understand thou art a representative of Her Majesty's Government. Thou art not, perchance, a politician?
Sir James: Why, nay, I work for, er, ye Foreign Office. A mere Civil Servant am I.
Director: Glad am I to hear this. Last week we did have a delegation of Members of Parliament. Most disruptive.
Sir James: Oh? And what did they seek?
Director: 'Tis most curious, I do believe they were after broth, or mayhap consommé.
Sir James: Broth? Consommé?
Director: Aye, I didst hear them talk- forgive me, mine English ist not good- I didst hear them say that they were attempting to organise some pea soup.
Sir James: (Confused.) Pea soup?
Director: 'Tis so. Apparently the week before they had been attempting to organise a pea soup in a brewery and had failed in this endeavour...
Sir James: (Light dawning.) No surprise there.
Director: ...so they were attempting to do the same thing in mine distillery. Alas, they failed there also.
Sir James: Knock me down with a feather.
Director: Would thee like a tour of this establishment?
Sir James: Very much so.
Director: Then seek ye Apothecary Knightley.

(In ye distillery, Sir James approaches a most comely wench.)
Sur James: Ahem.
Apothecary Knightley: Can I help thee?
Sir James: Aye, I am he who ist called Bond, James Bond.  I seek Apothecary Knightley.
Apothecary Knightley: Thou hast found her.
Sir James: An individual who identifies as being of ye feminine gender.
Apothecary Knightley: Thine command of current pointless idiom does ye credit, Yeoman Bond.
Sir James: Sir James... to mine friends.
Apothecary Knightley: Twys Knightley.
Sir James: Twys Knightley?
Twys: Aye, I am ye middle of three children. Well, Sir James I guess we'd better get started. You don't want to lose as much time as Eon have wasted this last decade, do you?

(Deep in ye distillery.)
Twys: In this barrel we have ye vodka which ist sent to ye Blades club, containing a pinch of pepper- but thou would know about that...?
Sir James: Aye, 'twas I who introduced them to the habit, more years ago than I could believably mention. And this barrel?
Twys: This barrel hast ye vodka flavoured with smalahove- 'tis a special consignment for Norway.
Sir James: Inconceivable. And this?
Twys: This barrel contains a certain proportion of tomato juice along with ye vodka, to create a "Bloody Mary".
Sir James: So! Ist this sent to Scotland?
Twys: Nay, our sales to Scotland are very low- they have their own drink there called "whisky".
Sir James: Ah yes, I believe I have heard of this. So, where dost thee send thine barrels of Bloody Mary?
Twys: I am sorry, Sir James, but that information ist on a need to know basis. Section 26, paragraph 5. Sure thee understand.
Sir James: But of course. Enough have I seen, to London I must make haste. Wouldst thee care to accompany me, and mayhap have dinner en route?
Twys: Why, Sir James,‘tis so sudden. And thou art unknown to me, a strange gentleman.
Sir James: Ten minutes, then?
Twys: Make it five.


Re: Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!)

(Outside ye distillery.)
Twys: What a beautiful carriage thou doth have.
Sir James: Aye, make them like this they do not any more. I prithee, please enter.
(They set off. Unbeknownest to them, another carriage doth follow at a discreet distance.)
Twys: Mmm, how comfortable thine carriage ist. What does this button do?
Sir James: Don’t touch that!!!
Twys: Hmm?
Sir James: Er, I have had a few optional extras installed.
Twys: Watch out for that man with green trainers!
Sir James: What?
Twys: Never mind.
(Ye following carriage gets closer.)
Twys: Sir James, that carriage-
Sir James: - hath been following us for the last mile.

Chase scene ensures.... As you all know (see earlier), I'd prefer someone else writing it!


Re: Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!)

...but it ends with Sir James and Twys being captured, to lead into TP's Brucie scene.

I'll write it if no-one else wants to, but by this point it's clear that the chase scenes aren't my strong point. All help welcome!


Re: Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!)

As there's not much happening on AJB at the moment, I haven't been popping in as often. So much
has passed me by, so apologies if any of these ideas have already been suggested etc.

Could the distillery be a sort of Willy Wonka's Whisky Factory ?
then a possible chase  along a river of whiskey ( and other drinks )
passing through a bottling area, where a cork could be stuck somewhere embarrassing ?
" Oh ! Skewered, One sympathises "
With Sir James taking control of a visitors boat filled with famous whisky lovers  i.e.
Sir Oliver Reed, Sir Richard Burton, Sir Richard Harris, Sir Welshboy78 ( or any other
members who like the filthy stuff  ajb007/wink  ) they cold help Sir James when his boat springs a leak
by drinking the incoming liquid ?
Possible deaths of villains, One crushed by  Ice, with a possible line
" Well he did want it on the rocks ".... " Plenty of ice, if you can spare it " ...
" The coldest weapon of all "
Could add the old joke about ....

Villain: " We drowned one of your colleagues a Sir Dean Martin in a whisky vat once,
it took a long time for him to die.
Sir James : Pray tell why ?
Villain : He got out four times to use the privy !

Last edited by Thunderpussy (13th Nov 2019 07:15)

“I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.”


Re: Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!)

Sounds good, TP! Am busy today, might do some work on those ideas tomorrow if I get the time. Unless someone beats me to it, of course.