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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/smile

Gimme about 20 minutes for the next bit...

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Act 4, Scene 4. (Sir James emerges in another dark cave, where he finds a dark block of stone.)

Sir James: Now, what ist this…?
(He examines ye stone, and finds a protusion on ye side which he presses. Gradually, ye stone melts away and a familiar figure emerges.)
Lord Felix: (Awakening.) Oh James, don’t stop, that feels so wonderfu…. (Wakes up.) Ah. Hello, Sir James.
Sir James: Lord Felix! Most glad am I to see thee.
Lord Felix: How are we doing?
Sir James: Same as always.
Lord Felix: That bad, huh?
Sir James: We must rescue my lady Twys Knightley from ye clutches of-
Lord Felix: Twys Knightley? Surely thou doth jest!
Sir James: I jest not, and I prithee do not call me Shirley.
Lord Felix: Fair enough, how shalt we proceed?
Sir James: Above us lies ye Comte de Blofeld and many attendants, and ye lady whom we must rescue.
Lord Felix: I see, and where are the rest of your men?
Sir James: 'Tis just thee and me, Felix.
Lord Felix: Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!

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Number24, I've added your title song - see https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/961833/#p961833   It means we need a PTS as well, but we've still to finish the ongoing story first.

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Nice! Perhaps I'll find the time to look over the play and think of a PTS. Or not …..

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Act 4, Scene 4. (Sir James emerges in another dark cave, where he finds a dark block of stone.)

Sir James: Now, what ist this…?
(He examines ye stone, and finds a protusion on ye side which he presses. Gradually, ye stone melts away and a familiar figure emerges.)
Lord Felix: (Awakening.) Oh James, don’t stop, that feels so wonderfu…. (Wakes up.) Ah. Hello, Sir James.
Sir James: Lord Felix! Most glad am I to see thee.
Lord Felix: How are we doing?
Sir James: Same as always.
Lord Felix: That bad, huh?
Sir James: We must rescue my lady Twys Knightley from ye clutches of-
Lord Felix: Twys Knightley? Surely thou doth jest!
Sir James: I jest not, and I prithee do not call me Shirley.
Lord Felix: Fair enough, how shalt we proceed?
Sir James: Above us lies, a den of villainy, full of knaves and ne'er-do-wells
Lord Felix : A Republican Party Fund raiser ?
Sir James : Nay, ye Comte de Blofeld and many attendants, and ye lady whom we must rescue.
Lord Felix: I see, and where are the rest of your men?
Sir James: 'Tis just thee and me, Felix.
Lord Felix: Then what are we waiting for? Let's go get em! I'm with you all the way.

“I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.”

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Next, James and Felix rescue Twys. Some fighting, Blofeld gets away.

It's a scene we've done variations on before, of course. What could we do to liven this one up? Not Star Wars again!

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Saw this one on Facebook and thought it would fit well-

Twys: Sir James, I'm feeling hungry.
Sir James: No problem- here, I have acquired some spinach.
Twys: I did not expect that.
Sir James: No-one expects the spinach acquisition!

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  very good

“I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.”

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Is this too silly?

Lord Felix Sir James, I'm feeling hungry.
Sir James: No problem- here, I have acquired some spinach.
Lord Felix: I did not expect that.
Sir James: No-one expects the spinach acquisition!  Hmm.. gives me an idea...

----------------

The torture chamber of ye Comte de Blofeld’s castle. Twys ist held by two of ye Comte’s guards.

Comte: Now, my dear, thou shalt tell me ye secret formula for the Bloody Mary!
Twys: Never! Thou canst not make me talk.
Comte: You think not?  Now, guard- the rack!
(Ye guard produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ye Comte de Blofeld looks at it in disbelief and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)
Comte: You....Right! Tie her down.
(Ye two guards make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack.)
Comte: Right! Tell me!
Twys: Never!
Comte: Ha! Right! Guardl, give ye rack (Aside.)(oh dear) give ye rack a turn.
(The guard stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders.)
Guard: I....
Comte: (Gritting his teeth.) I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Guard: I...
Comte: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Guard: Shall I...?
Comte: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Ye guard turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack.)
Twys: I don't understand!
Comte: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Guards, fetch...THE CUSHIONS!
((A dramatic chord ist heard. Ye guard holds out two ordinary modern household cushions.)
Guard: Here they are, Comte de Blofeld.
Comte: Now, Apothecary Knightley – thou hast one last chance. Tell me ye recipe and where it ist made- two last chances. And where it can be found- three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Twys: I don't know what you're talking about.
Comte: Right! If that's the way you want it- guard! Poke her with the soft cushions!
(Ye guard carries out this rather pathetic torture.)
Comte: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Guard: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, Comte de Blofeld.
Comte: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Guard: Yes, lord.
Comte: (Angrily hurling away ye cushions.) Um! She is made of harder stuff! Guards! Fetch...YE COMFY CHAIR!
(A dramatic chord ist heard. We see ye guard’s horrified face.)
Guard: Ye comfy chair????
(Ye other guard pushes in a comfy chair.)
Comte: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Guards! Put her in the Comfy Chair!
(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair.)
Comte: Now- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. (Aside, to ye guards.) Is that really all it is?
Guard: Yes, sire.
Comte: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Guard: I confess!
Comte: Not you!
Twys: I didn’t expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition.
(Ye dramatic chord ist heard again. The door flies open and Sir James and Lord Felix burst into ye chamber.)
Sir James:  NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to Albion.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.
(Exit and exeunt.)
Twys: I didn't expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition.
(Ye dramatic chord ist heard once more. Sir James and Lord Felix burst in.)
Sir James: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to Albion, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To Lord Felix.) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Lord Felix: What?
Sir James: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Lord Felix: (Rather horrified.) I couldn't do that...
(Sir James rushes Lord Felix off-stage again.)
Twys: (Very flatly.) I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(Dramatic chord. Sir James and Lord Felix enter.)
Lord Felix: Er.... Nobody...um....
Sir James: Expects...
Lord Felix: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Sir James: Inquisition.
Lord Felix: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
Sir James: Our chief weapons are...
Lord Felix: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Sir James: Surprise...
Lord Felix: Surprise and --
Sir James: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah.

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  great sketch.

Comte : Bring me the Cheddar, Parmesan, Wensleydale and Stilton !
Sir James : Nay Don't tell Me I'm to be .....
Comte : Aye Sir James you are to be " Cheese Boarded "

“I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.”

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ajb007/biggrin  Will fit that in.

Yes, I love that sketch. Seen it countless times and I still laugh- mainly at Michael Palin, but Terry Gilliam is hilarious too.

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Using TP's idea-

Comte: Bring me the Cheddar, Parmesan, Wensleydale and Stilton!
Twys: Nay! Don't tell me I'm to be.....
Comte: Aye- thou art to be "Cheese Boarded"!
Twys: Thou canst not do that to me- I am a vegan!
Comte: Oh, I see. Better not do that then, don't want to offend anybody.  ajb007/rolleyes  Nevertheless, my dear, thou shalt tell me ye secret formula for the Bloody Mary!
Twys: Never! Thou canst not make me talk.
Comte: You think not?  Now, guard- the rack!

(The Spanish Inquisition scene until...)

Sir James: Our chief weapons are...
Lord Felix: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Sir James: Surprise...
Lord Felix: Surprise and --
Sir James: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Hey, where did Blofeld go?
Twys: He got fed up listening to you- he's buggered off!
Sir James: Oh. Then I guess we must do the same- to London, apace, I must consult with M!

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Act 5, Scene 1. Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.

Sir Gareth: ... so ye Comte de Blofeld hast escaped... again?
Sir James: Aye, mine liege, 'tis true- but not with ye formula for ye "Bloody Mary".
Lord Felix: For Apothecary Knightley did not reveal it to him.
Sir James: And from what I hear, Red Nicola ist doing very well without using said formula. Scotland doth belong to her, in ye most part, and statistically she doth outnumber Lord Boris and all others.
Sir Gareth: What, then, do you suggest we do, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: 'Tis my opinion we do nothing, sire. Sure I am that there will be some constitutional balls-up to prevent ye Scots from breaking away, at least for many years.
Lord Felix: Hmm...
Sir Gareth: Then let it be so... for ye moment. We shall not look into the matter any more.
Sir James: Aye, mine liege. This is... no time to pry.
Lord Felix: Oh, no...
Sir Gareth: I thought I told you to stop doing that.
Sir James: Oh yes, mine apologies.
Maid Moneypenny: Sir Gareth, Apothecary Knightley awaits outside.
Sir Gareth: Show her in, Maid Moneypenny, and I prithee join us.
(Maid Moneypenny and Apothecary Knightley enter.)
Sir Gareth: Apothecary Knightley, mine thanks for all thine help to Naught Naught Seven during this mission.
Twys: Mine pleasure, Sir Gareth.
Sir Gareth: Methinks 'tis time for a drink to celebrate!
Sir James: Thine predecessor kept Bourbon in...
Sir Gareth: I prefer wine. Maid Moneypenny, please do the honours.
Maid Moneypenny: Of course. Sir James, would thee prefer sweet or dry?
Sir James: Why, sweet of course- 'tis no time to dry.
(All present throw things at Sir James.)