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Topic: No discussion: The political jokes thread

This is the thread where everyone is invited to tell political jokes. Only tell political jokes, that is. We are not allowed to discuss the jokes here- that belongs in another thread ajb007/shifty
The other rule is  - be funny!  ajb007/biggrin


What kind of doctor do you need to fix Obamacare? An URLologist


Donald Trump isn't a sexual abuser. He's an alternative romantic.


English players are frantically googling "football" after playing Iceland.


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.


In capitalism, man exploits man. In socialism, it's the other way around.

Last edited by Number24 (14th Feb 2017 13:13)

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.


Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.


What movie does Hillary watch when she's in a bad mood? Kill Bill.


Q: What is the difference between God and Donald Trump?
A: God doesn't belive he's Donald Trump.

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

Dear Lord,

Recently you have called home some of my favorite musical celebrities: Prince, David Bowie, Glenn Frey, Leon Russell, and Leonard Cohen.
FYI, my favorite radio and television celebrities are Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, and Ann Coulter.

Thank you, Amen.



(I'll stop now. Feel free to continue  ajb007/smile )

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

...

"Blood & Ashes"...AVAILABLE on Amazon.co.uk: Get 'Jaded': Blood & Ashes: The Debut Oscar Jade Thriller
"I am not an entrant in the Shakespeare Stakes." - Ian Fleming
"Screw 'em." - Daniel Craig, The Best James Bond EverTM

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

Yes, Loeffelholz. You can post jokes about Hillary Clinton or even Norway. But only if you find them funny  ajb007/biggrin

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

"If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?"
Jon Stewart

“I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.”

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

Electing Trump as a President is a lot like going for a walk  in your shorts and with a ferret on a leash. You don't know where you'll end up and vital areas are in danger  ajb007/wink

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

The problem with political jokes is that they tend to get elected.

Vox clamantis in deserto

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

A very old one, but it still works. Lady Astor was a politician contemporary with Sir Winston Churchill.

Lady Astor: Prime Minister, you are drunk!
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly- but I will be sober tomorrow.

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

Neil Kinnock.

Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis,

( Sadly I don't know who came up with this one )

Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?
A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.

“I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.”

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

CoolHandBond wrote:

Neil Kinnock.

Nick Clegg.

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

Why do the British like tea so much? Because the tea leaves.


Why was Nigel Farage's Christmas dinner so crap?
He banned brussles and there was no turkey despite Nigel insisting it would be admited to the table any minute now.


Why doesn't Father Christmas vote UKIP? He isn't worried about living near a Pole.

Last edited by Number24 (18th Feb 2017 21:07)

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

Hardyboy wrote:

The problem with political jokes is that they tend to get elected.

Not always.......enter ed miliband


https://s9.postimg.cc/qcdhsohjf/20170213_181215.jpg

It was either that.....or the priesthood

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

ajb007/lol  His only weakness, trying to eat a bacon sandwich !  ajb007/wink

“I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.”

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

ajb007/lol
And not declaring his two kitchens but being interviewed in both of them on the same day  ajb007/smile
A socialist with two kitchens and a housekeeper  ajb007/martini

Another political joke

https://s18.postimg.cc/yp3qs3sx1/20170213_183559.jpg

And for a full house,  I wonder where corbyn is taking inspiration from? 

https://s12.postimg.cc/wty3ck4uh/20170213_184948.jpg

https://s4.postimg.cc/s35898695/Screenshot_20170213_183928.png

https://s2.postimg.cc/vjoxxrimt/Screenshot_20170213_184044.png

Last edited by Chriscoop (13th Feb 2017 18:52)

It was either that.....or the priesthood

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

In the top photo, just what is he doing to that Dalek ?

“I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.”

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol
Checking for std's

It was either that.....or the priesthood

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

http://img5.fotos-hochladen.net/uploads/bildschirmfoto9ci1u8dgpy.png

President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.
-------Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!------
FIRST TO DISCOVER substantial evidence that Chew Mee is in fact not totally nude in the TMWTGG pool scenes!

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

I'd be worried  how many ladies, had he grabbed  that morning !  ajb007/wink

“I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.”

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

It's not the ladies that I would worry about  ajb007/wink

President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.
-------Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!------
FIRST TO DISCOVER substantial evidence that Chew Mee is in fact not totally nude in the TMWTGG pool scenes!

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

It's sad he can't afford to light that fire ! ajb007/biggrin

“I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.”

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

Q: How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?
A: Juan by Juan



Q: Why did Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?
A: Because when he won, he moved into a smaller house in a black neighbourhood.



Q: What does Donald Trump’s wife call it when he takes viagra?
A: A rigged erection




How the EU works: In Germany, they make the rules, in Britain, they obey the rules, in France, they bend the rules, in Spain, they break the rules and in Italy they have no rules at all.



Oh dear. The eurozone's Facebook page has changed its currency status from ‘single’ to ‘it's complicated’.



The eurozone leaders are looking for a stimulus package. Silvio Berlusconi suggests two Viagra and a Red Bull.


Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’



The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it izi to understand esh ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KOM TRU!

Last edited by Number24 (15th Feb 2017 16:31)

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

Number24 wrote:

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it izi to understand esh ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KOM TRU!

These are both very good!  ajb007/cheers

Hilly...you old devil!

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Re: No discussion: The political jokes thread

Tank ju veri mutsh!  ajb007/biggrin