Topic: Imaginary conversations
Some of these have a grain of truth in them, but don't be looking for accuracy.
Mid 1950s.(London.)
Chandler: Another drink, Ian?
Fleming: But of course. Three measures of Gordon's, one of-
Chandler: Yes, I think we've all got the recipe by now. Ian, you must try harder to merge genre fiction with your literary ambition.
Fleming: I know, but it's all getting too much for me. In fact, I'm considering not continuing the series, and that could mean the death of Bond.
Chandler: Oh, don't do that my boy!
Fleming: What do you mean?
Chandler: I'd never kill off Philip Marlowe, I might need him again someday. In my next book, I'm going to marry him off!
Fleming: Hmmm.... marry him off...
Chandler: Yes, less of a big sleep and more of a long goodbye.
Fleming: Thanks, Ray, I'll keep that in mind for later.
Chandler: So, you won't kill him off then?
Fleming: I'll give it some thought. I'd never say never again.
Chandler: Be careful now...
Late 1950s (Fleming’s Jamaica villa, Goldeneye)
Kevin: So, guys, it’s time we got down to writing this thing.
Ian: But of course. I have this idea about a plane-
Jack: A planeload of celebrities! It gets hijacked and Bond has to save them all?
Ian: Well, I was thinking more of a warplane with atomic bombs onboard.
Jack: Right! And it comes down in the Bahamas-
Ian: And an evil organisation steals the two bombs-
Jack: And threatens the Western powers-
Ian: And Bond gets sent there, where he meets-
Jack: His American pal Felix-
Ian: And the beautiful Domino, who is the mistress of the mysterious Largo-
Jack: Who works for the evil organisation-
Ian: Called SPECTRE. The leader is called Ernst Stavro Blofeld-
Jack: And their HQ is in Paris-
Ian: And they bribe a NATO pilot called Petacchi-
Jack: Whose sister is the beautiful Domino-
Ian: Who Bond seduces. There’s a lot of swimming underwater-
Jack: As Bond and Felix go hunting for the plane-
Ian: Which they find, but Largo has already hidden the bombs-
Jack: And we have this great underwater battle-
Ian: At the end of which Largo has Bond at his mercy, till he’s killed by Domino.
Kevin: (Scribbling away.) Sounds great guys. Let me just add “Written by Kevin McClory, Jack Whittingham and Ian Fleming” and we’re ready to go.
Late 1970s (On set.)
Roger: My name’s Bond, James Bond.
Lewis: Cut! And print! Ok, everyone, that’s us for the day.
Cubby: Well done as usual, Roger.
Roger: Thanks, Cubby. Fancy a game of backgammon?
Cubby: (Looks at watch.) Not enough time- let’s go and see how Maurice is doing shooting the titles.
(They wander over to the next set, where Maurice Binder is busy with a succession of beautiful models in various stages of nudity.)
Maurice: Hi guys, just give me a moment here.
(He kneels before one of the models and works away.)
Roger: I, er, hate to disturb a man at his work Maurice, but what exactly are you up to?
Maurice: I’m smoothing down her pubic hair with this Vaseline so it won’t show in silhouette. Got to keep the censor happy.
Cubby: (Jaw dropping.) Pubic hair? Vaseline?
Roger: Let me get this straight- Cubby, you’re the producer of this movie and I’m the star. Why does HE get all the good jobs?
Late 1980s. (On set, open air.)
John: Right, Tim, all I need is a few close-ups of you on this plane model and then we’ll get Paul Weston to take over for the really high shots.
Timothy: It doesn’t look that hard, John, I’d like to have a crack at that myself.
John: No can do, Tim, the insurance company won’t have it. Cubby would have both our heads.
Tim: Well, Cubby isn’t here- go on, let me try.
John: (Doubtfully.) Hmm… just be careful.
(Dalton gets onto the plane, high up in the air, as Glen starts filming. Behind them, Cubby’s Rolls drives up to the set and he gets out.)
Cubby: Morning, John.
John: Ah… hello, Cubby.
Cubby: Shooting going well? Where’s Tim?
John: (Stalling for time.) Tim?
Cubby: Yes, where’s Tim?
(Glen points abashedly up in the air.)
Cubby: GET HIM DOWN!!! GET HIM DOWN NOW!!!
I'm sure some of these have, as you say, more than a grain of truth in them!
