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1962. (The Connery residence. Sean arrives home.)

Sean: Hi honey, I’m home.
Diane: Darling! (Kiss, kiss.) How did the audition go?
Sean: Well, it wash more of an interview, really. There were two of them- I thought they were both American, but it turnsh out the little one wash from Canada.
Diane: Canada, eh?  And the other one?
Sean: Oh, he wash American. Called Cabbage or Cauliflower or shomething like that.
Diane: And did you get the part?
Sean: Oh yesh, I think sho. They were talking about a shix-film contract.
Diane: That’s wonderful! I can't see anything going wrong with that!
Sean: Well, asshuming the firsht film ish a shuccessh of courshe. We’ll be talking more in the morning. I did my “cat walk” thing as I wash walking away, knowing they’d be looking.
Diane: I’m so pleased for you, Sean. Now, how about dinner?
Sean: What were you thinking?
Diane: What would you say to slivers of smoked Scottish salmon, served simply with steamed spinach?
Sean: Hmmm…
Diane: Perhaps sliced seared sirloin steak and salad?
Sean: I don’t know…
Diane: Or a sausage sandwich?
Sean: Yesh, that shounds great.
Diane: I’ll get that ready- do you want to watch some television?
Sean: Shure, what’sh on?
Diane: Let me see… “The Untouchables” perhaps?
Sean: Not shure that’sh my thing.
Diane: Well, after that there’s “The Avengers”.
Sean: Ah, with John Shteed and Cathy Gale!
Diane: Oh, Cathy Gale- that’s Honor Blackman. You like her, don’t you?
Sean: She’sh a pershonal favourite of mine.
Diane: And just how personal is that?
Sean: She’sh a damn good actressh. Period.
Diane: Hmmm…
Sean: Don’t worry, darling- she’d never replace you.
Diane: Never?
Sean: Not for all the gold in Fort Knox.
Diane: Or we could watch “The Saint”, starring Roger Moore?
Sean: Roger Moore? You like him, don’t you?
Diane: Don’t worry, darling- he’d never replace you!



(Yesh, I know the timelinesh don't quite match)

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

Barbel, we missed your golden touch on these imaginary conversations- welcome back!  ajb007/cheers

I especially loved:  "... She is no more. She has ceased to be. She has expired and gone to meet her maker.” Still not right…

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Glad you liked it! ajb007/smile
More later today....

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after his creative break, Barbel is firing on all cylinders again  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

-------Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!------

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ajb007/cheers


2008. (Royal Premiere of “Quantum Of Solace”. The Queen and the Duke are being walked down the line of cast and crew.)
MGW: Next, ma’am, is Mr Rory Kinnear.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Kinnear?
Rory: (Proudly.) Bill Tanner, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Rory Kinnear?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on.)
BB: Next, ma’am, is…


2012. (Royal Premiere of “Skyfall”. The Queen and the Duke are being walked down the line of cast and crew.)
BB: Next, ma’am, is Mr Rory Kinnear.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Kinnear?
Rory: (A bit less proudly.) Bill Tanner, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Rory Kinnear?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Rory sighs.)
MGW: Next, ma’am, is…


2015. (Royal Premiere of “Spectre”. The Queen and the Duke are being walked down the line of cast and crew.)
MGW: Next, ma’am, is Mr Rory Kinnear.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Kinnear?
Rory: (Cagily.) Bill Tanner, Your Majesty. Just like in the last two movies.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Rory Kinnear?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Rory sighs deeply.)
BB: Next, ma’am, is…


2020....ish. (Royal Premiere of “No Time To Die”. The Queen and the Duke are being walked down the line of cast and crew.)
BB: Next, ma’am, is Mr Rory Kinnear.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Kinnear?
Rory: (Fed up.) Bill Tanner, Your Majesty. Just like in the last three fuc-
BB: Rory!
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Rory Kinnear?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Rory looks upwards.)
MGW: Next, ma’am, is…

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2005. (On set of a film starring Pierce Brosnan.)

Director: Ok, cut. Take five, everyone.
(An assistant runs up to Pierce.)
Assistant: Phone call for you, Mr Brosnan.
(Hands Pierce a phone.)
Pierce: Thank you. Hello…. Yes, it’s me… Ah hello Barbara and Michael, how are you?… Yes, I’m fine thanks… Oh? What do you want to tell me?…. What?…. But you… Hang on, this isn’t April 1st is it? You’re just up to some sort of… I see, you’re not joking… You really, really don’t want me to… Really, truly… It’s not me, it’s you… You’re just trying to find yourselves…  You’re going through a lot right now… You need space… You want more excitement… Best thing for both of us... What? You’ve found someone else… It’s not that Hugh Jackman, is it? Because you said… Not him… I know, it’s Clive Owen isn’t it? I bet it’s… Well, who is it then? I’ll find out anyway so you may as well tell me now… WHO??? HIM??? You have got to be f***ng kidding me!!!… Right… Yes, I’m sure we will see each other around… Yes, of course, we can still be friends.
(Throws phone into the nearest bin.)
Assistant: Is everything all right, Mr Brosnan?
Pierce: No, everything is sodding well not all right!
Assistant: ...er..
Director: Back on set, everyone, please… Ok, action!
(Pierce stands frozen.)
Director: Pierce?
Pierce: ….bastards…
Director: No, that’s not the line. Right, Take 2 and...action!
Pierce: ….”times have changed”… “find a younger man”…
Director: Er, Pierce?
Pierce: ...f***ing James f***ing Bond…
Director: Pierce?
Pierce: I’ll give them shaken not bloody stirred…
Director: Ok, cut. I think we’ll just have to start again tomorrow.
Pierce: What did you say?
Director: Try another day.
Pierce: Argh!

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  dangerously close to the truth I'd say!

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

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1964. (Eon HQ.)

Broccoli: So, how’s the script coming along, Richard?
Maibaum: So far so good, but I’ve hit a bit of a snag.
Saltzman: A snag? What is it?
Broccoli: It’s a colloquial expression meaning a problem, Harry. What’s the problem?
Maibaum: Well, I’ve basically followed the book and now Bond has been captured by Goldfinger in Switzerland and is tied to a table beneath a laser beam that’s about to cut him in two. I have to have some memorable dialogue here before the next scene, when Bond wakes up on a plane to the States. I’m okay after that, but I think I need some help with this bit.
Hamilton: Why don’t you just use what Fleming had in the book?
Maibaum: Can’t do that, Guy, the censor wouldn’t allow it!
Hamilton: Why not?
Maibaum: It says-
                  Bond: Then you can go and f*** yourself.
                  Goldfinger: Even I am not capable of that, Mr Bond.
Saltzman: Hey, that’s good!
Broccoli: Yes, it’s good but no way can we have that in our film without an “X” certificate and I think none of us would want that.
Hamilton: How about “Then you can go and stuff yourself”?
Saltzman: Na…
Broccoli: Na…
Maibaum: Na…
Saltzman: We could bleep it out?
Broccoli: I don’t think we’d get away with even that.
Maibaum: I’ve been wracking my brain over this and I just can’t get anywhere.
Broccoli: I think it may be time for us to get you some assistance, Richard, like you said. We’ve got a man called Paul Dehn in mind.
Hamilton: Do you want Richard to meet him alone?
Broccoli: No, I expect you too, Guy.

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(The now rather tiresome disclaimer- yes, I know this isn’t 100% accurate.)




2006. (The Cleese household. John paces up and down.)

Mrs Cleese: Oh, sit down, John, and relax.
John: Sit down? Relax? How can I do that?
Mrs Cleese: There’s still time.
John: But they start shooting next week and I only just got the part of Q and they haven't phoned yet. I’m getting worried now!
Mrs Cleese: Don’t worry so much, you’ve still got “Harry Potter”.
John: No, they dropped Nearly Headless Nick after the second movie.
Mrs Cleese: Well, you’re in the “Pink Panther” series now as Inspector Clouseau’s boss.
John: No, that didn’t do too well, there won’t be any more.
Mrs Cleese: It will all be okay, you’ll see.
John: And this is the first film with Daniel Craig, it would be the first time I get to hand him something like, oh, an exploding pen perhaps, if they go in for that any more. Or a gun and a radio maybe.
(The phone rings.)
John: Hello? Oh, hello Michael ...Oh, right...yes...I see….so tomorrow then….what time?….about 10am...yes, that’s fine…see you tomorrow.
Mrs Cleese: Oh John, I’m so pleased for you! Now you can stop worrying, and wearing a hole in my carpet!
John: I think not- that wasn't Michael Wilson, it was Michael Palin: he wants to sell me a parrot.

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1965. (A road in England, conveniently located near a NATO air base. Two constables stand by a wrecked car. A police car draws up and an inspector gets out.)

Inspector: Oh Lord, what have we here?
Constable: Just as you see, sir. The car has apparently smashed through this fence and gone on fire. The driver is dead.
Inspector: Now, was it the fire that killed him or the crash?
Constable: The doctor hasn’t arrived to examine the body yet, sir.
Inspector: Right, I see. Well, let’s have a look at the car then meantime.. Dear, dear, what a mess… Hello, what have we here?
Constable: Looks like a gun, sir.
Inspector: Yes, I can see it’s a gun! Lying on the floor next to the body. Now, I wonder if any ID managed to survive the fire? Let’s have a look and… Aha.
Constable: What’s that, sir?
Inspector: Seems to be some sort of membership card. It’s all smudged, though. Give me a tissue or a handkerchief or something… 
Constable: Here you go, sir.
Inspector: Thank you. Now, let’s just…  Hmm, looks like a membership card for some place called “Shrublands”. What could that be?
Constable: It’s a health clinic nearby.
Inspector: Right then, we’ll get on to them and see if we can identify him from that end. I don’t want to do any more poking around here before the doctor arrives. Now, you two stay with the car, I’ll be back shortly.
Constable: Back to the station, sir?
Inspector: No, I have to go look at a motorcycle someone has found in a lake. Strange looking thing, apparently, got some sort of rocket-firing apparatus.
Constable: Now that’s odd. Why would someone do that?
Inspector: Well, some people on the road really burn you up these days.

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  Brilliant, Barbel!

Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

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ajb007/smile  There's another one in the pipeline.

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...and here it is! SpectreOfDefeat and I have been working on this together, and I am pleased to share the credit with him.


1969. (Royal Premiere of “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.”)

(In the limousine.)
The Queen: Now, please behave yourself tonight, Philip.
The Duke: (Grumbling.) Well, I’ll do my best. Though I don’t know how I feel about some Aussie chap taking over from one of our subjects.
The Queen: One is sure it will be all right.
The Duke: I read this book a few years ago. James Bond has to pretend to be a Scottish baronet. Don’t know if an Aussie could carry that off.
The Queen: Just smile and say you like it. One will pretend nothing has changed.

(The limousine draws up in front of the cinema.)
Cubby: Right, here they are. Everybody remember what they’re supposed to do!
(The Queen and the Duke emerge, walking towards Cubby and Harry.)
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Harry/Cubby: Good evening, Your Majesty.
Harry: May I present James Bond, ma'am...
George: G'day mate...
The Queen: So lovely to meet you again Mr Connery, I almost didn't recognise you with the long hair and beard...
The Duke: You're that Australian fellow, aren't you? We'll have Bonds from all over the bally Commonwealth, eh? Where are you going to find the next James Bond, India?
Harry: England, your highness...
The Queen: How fascinating! Will you be making another James Bond film?
George: Nah, mate. James Bond's old hat now, he's dead as a dingo...
Harry: (Firmly.) Oh no he isn't...
George: You start an argument and I'll finish it, mate. You saw what I did to that stuntman's nose...
The Queen: How frightfully interesting!
Cubby: (Quickly.) May I present our lovely leading lady, Miss Diana Rigg?
The Queen: Of course, good evening, Miss Rigg.
Diana: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: You were in The Avengers weren’t you?
Diana: That’s so, sir.
The Duke: Oh, those leather outfits! Made me want to-
The Queen: Philip!
Harry: Next is Mr Telly Savalas.
The Queen: Terry?
Telly: No, it’s Telly, ma’am.
The Duke: Oooh, leather outfits, leather outfits-
The Queen: Philip!
Cubby: (Quickly.) May I present Miss Joanna Lumley, ma’am.
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Miss Lumley.
Joanna: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: Hello! My, you are very beautiful, young lady.
Joanna: Thank you, sir.
The Duke: Do you have any Greek in you?
Joanna: Why, no sir.
The Duke: Would you like some?
The Queen: PHILIP!!!
Harry: Er, next we have our director, Mr Peter Hunt.
Peter: Good evening, ma'am.
The Queen: And will you be making another James Bond film?
Peter: I hope so!
Harry: (Hisses.) We'll see about that. Next we have our composer Mr John Barry.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Barry.
John: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: I enjoyed the song “The Look Of Love” very much.
John: Ah… Yes, indeed ma’am. Great song. (Aside.) Wish I'd written it.
The Duke: Ah yes, there you are. You're the music chappie, aren't you?
John: That's right, sir.
The Duke: How are you, Monty?
John: Grrrr...
Cubby: Shall we go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Of course.

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1964. (M’s office.)

Q: You sent for me, sir?
M: I did just that, Major. Have you seen this?
(M waves a paper.)
Q: Yes of course, sir, it’s the budget report for my department.
M: It’s more than ten times what it was last year! I will be fascinated to know how the Special Ordnance Section disburses its funds.
Q: But we simply must move with the times. l´ve been saying for years, sir, that our equipment is obsolete.
M: Obsolete?
Q: Why, yes, compared to the Americans and the Russians.
M: Only last year I allowed you an increase to issue a seemingly ordinary black leather case to all 00-personnel, with some nasty surprises in it.
Q: And you must admit, sir, that it did come in handy on 007’s last assignment.
M: I don’t mind this “Homer” gadget of yours, that’s obviously useful- but how on earth can you justify spending THIS much money on a car for 007?
Q: Your orders, sir. You said his Bentley had had its day.
M: But an Aston Martin DB5! Couldn’t you have bought something less conspicuous? A Ford Anglia, perhaps?
Q: Well, there was one I had my eye on but a Mr Weasley beat me to it.
M: And the amount you’ve spent on what you call “modifications”! What the hell do you mean by “modifications”?
Q: Revolving number plates, naturally.
M: Oh, naturally.
Q: Valid all countries.
M: That I can see the sense of. Carry on.
Q: Smoke screen. Oil slick. Rear bulletproof screen. And left and right front-wing machine guns.
M: Machine guns? Machine guns? In case of traffic wardens, no doubt.
Q: They have not been perfected, after years of patient research, entirely for that purpose, sir.
M: And what’s this last thing here, the most expensive of them all?
Q: That would be the ejector seat, sir.
M: Ejector seat? You’re joking!

Spoiler Barbel: Oh, you know what he says as well as I do!

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  Genius!

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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If you're happy, I'm happy!  ajb007/cheers




1979. (Outside a circus. The proud owners, Sophia and Giovanni, look on.)

Sophia: Oh Giovanni, I thought this day would never come!
Giovanni: Me too, my love. All our hard work has finally come to this proud moment.
Sophia: Listen to them! We have a full house! All enjoying our circus.
Giovanni: For so many years we have struggled and now our circus is a success.
Sophia: I am so glad you did not take the offer from that woman in India.
Giovanni: It was a good offer, but we have managed to make it on our own, against all the odds set against us.
(There is a loud “thump” from behind them.)
Giovanni: What was that?
(They run to investigate.)
Sophia: It looks like a man has fallen from the sky!
Giovanni: So it is! A man dressed as a pilot! What can have happened?
(From the sky a sound can be heard.)
Sophia: Can you hear that? What is that sound?
Giovanni: It sounds, it sounds like an airplane in trouble- oh no, it sounds like it is coming down here!
(The sound grows louder and louder. Sophia and Giovanni run for cover as an airplane crashes to the ground mere feet away from them.)
Sophia: Oh no!!!
Giovanni: That nearly hit us!!!
Sophia: Or it could have hit our circus!!! We have been lucky.
(A steel-toothed giant falls into the exact centre of the circus tent. This has the effect of breaking his fall so that when he lands in the safety net below he is unharmed. Unfortunately it also has the effect of bringing down the entire tent. Sophia and Giovanni look on aghast as the audience, performers and animals all come rushing out to safety. Unseen nearby, a well-dressed man elegantly parachutes to earth and walks away.)
Giovanni: Our circus!
Sophia: Giovanni! We are ruined!
Giovanni: (Sighs heavily.) Sophia, do you still have the telephone number of the lady in India?

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2012. If Sean Connery had played Kincade...


(At the premiere of “Skyfall”. Near the end of the film, M and Craig arrive at Skyfall.)

M: Christ! No wonder you never came back.
(They enter. A floorboard creaks. An old man appears.)
Kincade: Jamesh. Jamesh Bond.
Audience: It’s Sean!!! Sean Connery!!!
Craig: Good God. Are you still alive?
Audience: Good God, it’s Sean Connery!!!
Kincade: Ha. It’sh nice to shee you, too.
Audience: It's nice to see Sean Connery in a James Bond film! It’s really him!
Craig: M, this is Kincade. Gamekeeper here since I was a boy.
Audience: No it's not, it’s Sean Connery!!!
Kincade: Pleashed to meet you, Emma.
M: Mr Kincade.
Audience: Wow, I never thought… He looks so old… But it’s SEAN CONNERY!!!
Kincade: You’re a tad late. They’ve shold the place when they thought you were dead. Sheemsh they were wrong. What are you doing here?
Craig: Blah blah… (No-one’s listening anyway.)
Audience: Is he going to turn out to be James Bond’s dad? How could they persuade him to do it? Maybe Judi and him will get married?
Craig: Blah blah…
Audience: Shut up, we want to hear SEAN CONNERY!!!

(At the back of the cinema.)
BB: I told you this was a bad idea…
MGW: Yes, I know. I know...

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These are great! This line made me laugh-  Couldn’t you have bought something less conspicuous? A Ford Anglia, perhaps? My brother's first car was an Anglia. One day, we were driving along and the windscreen suddenly shattered. He freaked out, convinced someone had shot at us  ajb007/lol Me, being the more rational one told him not to be so stupid, it was probably a stone or something that had bounced up!

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Barbel wrote:

(At the premiere of “Skyfall”. Near the end of the film, M and Craig arrive at Skyfall.)

M: Christ! No wonder you never came back.
(They enter. A floorboard creaks. An old man appears.)
Kincade: Jamesh. Jamesh Bond.
Audience: It’s Sean!!! Sean Connery!!!...

BEST. ONE. EVER! That has absolutely cracked me up!!! *

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

*(I do hope no-one points out that Sean Connery wasn't actually in Skyfall...  ajb007/biggrin )

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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ajb007/lol  And thank you! I had fun with that one.

Spy- My dad had an Anglia for a while, back in the 60s. Don't remember much about it, though.

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My brother got his second hand in the late 70's. My dad mostly had Morris Minors.

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Charmed & Dangerous wrote:

*(I do hope no-one points out that Sean Connery wasn't actually in Skyfall...  ajb007/biggrin )

Well he is now! Every time I watch Skyfall from now on and Kincade comes on, I won't be seeing Albert Finney.  ajb007/lol