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The Spy Who Never Dies wrote:

I know that I’m fairly new here and that it is nearly all men who post. But as woman, I really don’t appreciate the following lines:

TB2: Of course- I thought about “Goldfinger” this time.
Thunderpussy: Oh yes, I always like a bit of Pussy.

The Duke: I read the book of this one, you know? Great characters!
Honor: Oh really, sir?
The Duke: Yes, I’m looking forward to seeing your Pussy.

This thread is fun and I read the posts for escapism and entertainment, sometimes after a difficult day.
Maybe in future a warning could be added at the beginning of a post like this and the words in spoiler tags?

I realise my post won’t be the most popular.

And why shouldn't it be?  I thought your comments and suggestions were more than justified. Would be great to have more women here.

Last edited by Mr Snow (22nd Sep 2020 09:49)

"Everyone knows rock n' roll attained perfection in 1974; It's a scientific fact". -  Homer J Simpson

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Just had to lend a word of support to all the contributors on this thread. A big thank
You for all the laughs you've given me, sometimes that's all I need, I don't have to judge your taste, politics or ideology. Simply to read a double entendre is enough after a long day. Hey if it was good enough for Austin Powers it's good enough for me.
  To all keep posting, it's all in fun,  ajb007/cheers

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another"

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Thank you, TP, very much appreciated. There are more Imaginary Conversations in the pipeline, don't worry.

The PM system here works just fine, and I'm happy to discuss future collaborations there with anyone who would like to join in. Or any other matters, of course.

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This thread would make a perfect Christmas stocking filler book...

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

If only!

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This appears under my name but it is the work of a member who wishes to remain anonymous- he's using the name  Stormy LadyGarden.



1985. (Paris. In an insurance office, an assessor enters to talk to a claimant.)

Taxi driver:  Are you English?
Insurer:  Yes, I am.  Please, we just need to go over a few of the details...
Driver: Very well.
Insurer: Please, in your own words tell me what happened.
Driver: Well, I was gently thumbing an old Balzac...
Insurer: I beg your pardon?
Driver: I'd finished reading El Verdugo under the Eiffel Tower....
Insurer: Ah yes, like the one in Blackpool.
Driver: Certainly not, ours is bigger!!!
Insurer: Size isn't everything, it's what you do with it.
Driver: And what do you do with yours?
Insurer: We have meals, dances, galas, balls...
Driver: Have you held many balls in Blackpool?
Insurer: Look, I did what I had to to get this job, now please continue.
Driver:  I began to prepare my lunch, I had some fromage, sausage and bread along with a small selection of different wines.
Insurer: Had you a Sémillon?
Driver: No, wine doesn't excite me like that.
Insurer: I see.
Driver: In my mirror I noticed an Englishman moving towards my car.
Insurer: How did you know he was English?
Driver: By how he was dressed- not in the traditional England top and shorts, throwing plastic seating across the square, but in a beautiful tuxedo and bow tie. At first I thought it was Calvin Dyson in a jacket but no.
Insurer: He approached your car, yes?
Driver: Oui. I said NO English!!!!!
Insurer: A bit rude wasn't it?
Driver: Hey, I am Parisian, the tourists expect it of us.
Insurer: I'm unsure of your writing here- is that pulled off or......
Driver: Pulled out! He reached in and pulled me out throwing me across the road to fall on a table full of pictures- from an American artist I think.
Insurer: Pollock’s?
Driver: Non, it is true!!  Then he took off faster than a buttered pig, I chased after but he was so fast
Insurer: Driving erratically ?
Driver: He was as bad as Ant McPartlin coming home from a pub Sunday lunch. Even gate-crashed a wedding later on, totally turning my car in to a right lemon.
Insurer: Only half was returned to you
Driver: Oui, I said what am I do do with an engine and two wheels, it's not a motorbike you know, and you won't believe what he said to me...
Insurer: Oh what was that?
Driver: If it's a lemon, could I add a thin slice of it to three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet and shake it over ice….

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  the anonymous member should be doing stand-up! (Comedy, that is.  ajb007/crap )

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

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1965. (Eon Production Offices.)


McClory: Looking forward to the start of shooting, boys!
Harry: Hmph.
Cubby: What do you have planned, Kevin?
McClory: Ok, well we open with the gunbarrel, as always. Then there's a great theme tune by John Barry, maybe sung by Shirley or perhaps that new Welsh guy?
Cubby: Ok, what next?
McClory: Well, we have all that Shrublands stuff, then we get to the Bahamas.
Harry: We have a new female villain, Kevin, you're gonna love her, Fiona Kelly, she's Irish, a real Irish pain in Bond's a...
McClory: Hmph! We'll see about that.
Cubby: Ok, anything else?
McClory: Emilio Largo, of course, and the great Bond theme, Disco Volante, Palmyra, explosions!
Cubby: It's lucky we have deep pockets…
McClory: I want Brigitte Bardot as Domino-
Harry: Kevin…
McClory: I want Marlon Brando as Largo-
Cubby: Kevin! I know I said deep pockets, but not that deep.




1983. (Warner Brothers Production Offices.)


McClory: Looking forward to the start of shooting, boys! But it's got to stick close to Thunderball or I'm toast.
Kershner: No worries, Kevin, Thunderball it is. Though we’ll disguise it as much as possible.
Schwartzman: What do you have planned, Kevin?
McClory: Ok, well we open with the gunbarrel, as always.
Schwartzman: Sorry Kevin, that's out. Eon lawyers.
McClory: Ah. Well, I’d like really great music to start the film.
Schwartzman: I’ve hired Michel Legrand.
McClory: He’s a wonderful composer.
Schwartzman: Yes, I can’t see anything going wrong there. As long as it doesn’t sound too close to James Bond music.
McClory: Oh. Well, at least we have the female villain, Jack, you're gonna love her, Fiona Volpe, she's Italian, a real...
Schwartzman: Sorry Kevin, that's out too.
McClory: Eon lawyers?
(Schwartzman nods.)
Kershner: We have Fatima Blush.
McClory: What, no Fiona? (Grumpily.) Well they can't change our Italian villain, Emilio Largo...
Kirshner: Our German villain, Maximilian Largo.
McClory: What? Next thing you'll tell me, we can't have the Bond theme, Disco Volante, Palmyra, or explosions!
(They pause for a few seconds.)
Schwartzman: I think Cubby said we could keep the explosions...
Kershner: ...though we might have to check with Cubby's lawyers about that...
McClory: Lawyers! It's almost as if someone else wrote this story!
Schwartzman: It's lucky I have deep pockets…
McClory: I want Goldie Hawn as Domino-
Kerschner: Kevin…
McClory: I want John Travolta as Largo-
Schwartzman: Kevin! I know I said deep pockets, but not that deep.
McClory: And I want Max von Sydow as Blofeld!
Schwartzman: (Whispers to Kershner.) How quickly can you shoot Blofeld’s part?
Kershner: (Whispers to Schwartzman.) Two days, three days tops.
Schwartzman: (Aloud.) Ok, Kevin, that one you can have.
McClory: And the white cat?
Schwartzman: Tiddles is still under contract to Eon, but I think we can get Snowy...
Kershner: Ok, so apart from a couple of minor changes, who’s gonna notice the difference between ours and an Eon film!
McClory: Years from now, it’ll still be hailed as the best Bond film ever!


(With thanks to Barbel for the great gags!  ajb007/cheers )

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Schwartzman: Tiddles is still under contract to Eon, but I think we can get Snowy...

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/cheers

"Any of the opposition around..?"

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1983. (Nassau, on set.)

Kershner: All right, I think that’s everything ready- please go and ask Mr Connery to join us.
(A few moments later, Sean Connery appears.)
Connery: Morning, Irvin. I’m all shet and ready for the big car chashe shcene.
Kershner: Ah, yes, I’d been meaning to talk to you about that.
Connery: Where’sh the Ashton Martin?
Kershner: Cubby’s lawyers say we can’t have an Aston Martin.
Connery: That’sh a pity, I’d been looking forward to driving one of thoshe again. Well, no matter, I’ll jusht have to have a Lotush Eshprit like Roger doesh.
Irvin: Afraid not, Sean, Jack says we can’t afford that.
Connery: Well, what have we got then? A BMW perhapsh?
Kershner: Ah, no….
(Kershner moves aside to reveal a motorbike.)
Connery: A motorbike?
Kershner: Yes, that’s what we have.
Connery: Are you kidding me? It’s the big chashe shcene and I’m on a motorbike?
Kershner: That’s it. We film you putting on a crash helmet, the stuntman does the scene, then we film you taking off the crash helmet. Easy!
Connery: I don’t shupposhe there wash any choice?
Kershner: Well, you could have a Mini if you like.
Connery: A Mini. Really. Look, Irvin, thish ishn’t “The Italian Job” and I’m Jamesh friggin’ Bond, not Michael friggin’ Caine.

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1999. (The Wade residence. Jack is pottering about in his garden.)

Jack: Dum-dee-dum… (Waters his banyan tree.)
Mrs Wade: Jack! Phone call for you.
Jack: With you in one moment, honey.
(Jack unhurriedly puts down his gardening tools and wanders towards the house.)
Mrs Wade: Here you go, honey. (Hands Jack the phone.)
Jack: Hello? Hello? … Hmm, there’s no-one there.
Mrs Wade: He did sound as if he were in a bit of a hurry.
Jack: Did he sound American?
Mrs Wade: Well, only a little bit American. It sounded more as if he were Irish trying to sound English.
Jack: Did he give his name?
Mrs Wade: Steve Assbrit, I think. Or something like that.
Jack: Steve Assbrit. (Chuckles.) Ah, I know who that was. Well, if he’s really needing me he’ll call back.


(Thanks to C&D for “Steve Assbrit”- (Chuckles.) )

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1997. (Recording the soundtrack to “Tomorrow Never Dies”. David Arnold, composer, chats with Nicholas Dodd, conductor.)


David: ...so the brass comes in like on “From Russia With Love”.
Nic: Yeah, got that. Do you want to go for a take?
David: Give me five, let me talk to the orchestra first.
(David goes out into the orchestra.)
David: So, brass, are you all okay with the score?
(General murmurs of assent.)
David: Lead trumpet, I’m wanting this part here (Points to score.) to sound like the intro to “From Russia With Love”, are you okay with that?
Derek: Yes, no problem.
David: And this part, here, I want it to go “Wah-wah” like in “Goldfinger”- do you think you can do that?
Derek: (Smiling.) Well, I would think so- that was me.
David: (Impressed.) Really? Well, how about this bit when I want the trumpets to sound like the way the way “007” was played in “Diamonds Are Forever”?
Derek: Yes, I can do that- that was me too.
David: (Really impressed.) ….ah, ok, and this part here- can you sound like on “Thunder-
Derek: Let me save you some trouble- it’s all me. My name’s Derek Watkins. I’ve played lead trumpet on all the Bond scores.
David: Squee! Squee!
2nd trumpet: Yeah, it’s true. The boys call him “Chops”.
David: Hey, Nic! Come down here! You’ve gotta meet this guy!
Nic: (Coming down into the orchestra.) What is it, David?
David: This here’s Derek Watkins- he’s played lead trumpet on all the Bond scores- “Goldfinger”, “Thunderball”, you name it.
David and Nic: Squee! Squee!




Derek Watkins (1945-2013) Lead trumpeter on all the official Bond scores until his death. If you're reading this, you have heard him. Many, many times!

“Chops”- this is a slang term among musicians for ability or talent, eg “Does he have the chops for this?”. For someone to have this as a personal nickname is a sign of the highest degree of respect. Mr Watkins was known as “Chops” by his colleagues.

Squee- https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Squee

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol Squee! Squee!  ajb007/biggrin

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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1969-ish. A flat off the King's Road.

Two people sit cross-legged on the floor before a table laden with a cocktail shaker, two, now empty, Martini glasses, and a stack of colourful picture cards.

MoneyPenny: Oh James, when you invited me over this evening, I had so many other things in mind.
James: C'mon, Penny. You know exactly what I want from you.
MoneyPenny (sighing): Oh very well. (She reaches across the table, picks up a card, and shows it to Bond. On it is a picture of a fish.) And this one?
James: Ummmm.... Of course. Pterois Volitans.  Other fish avoid it. Those dorsal spines are laden with venom. Handsome but deadly.
MoneyPenny (resignedly): And this? (She holds up another card; on this one is a butterfly.)
James: Ah, easy one! Nymphalis Polychloris. Though that one looks unusually small.
MoneyPenny (narrowing her eyes, and holding up another card): I’m only showing you half of this logo to make it harder for you. Any ideas?
James: Well from what I can see… it’s the symbol of the Stromberg Marine Research Laboratory. Located on Corsica, I believe.
MoneyPenny (annoyed now): Right again. But I’ll bet you a beautiful angel cake that you'll never get this one. (She holds up a third card; on this one is some kind of formula.)
James (squinting up at the ceiling): It's... it looks like the chemical structure of a plant. Orchidae Nigra. A very rare orchid indeed. Found on the banks of the River Tapirapé.
MoneyPenny (exasperated now): Bloody hell, I don't believe it! But you know this is a complete waste of time, James? There’s no way in hell you'll ever need to know these out in the field.
James: It's funny you should say that...


(Thanks to Barbel for the angel cake recipe  ajb007/bond )

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  Loving these  ajb007/cheers

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another"

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Perfect  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

I would actually like to see Bond being a know-it-all again.

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2012. (M’s office. She sits in front of her laptop.)

M: Now, where’s the “Record” function….? Ah, here. (Coughs.) Right. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to-
(Phone rings.)
M: Damn. Hello? … Yes, all right, just give me five minutes.
(Hangs up.)
M: Oh bloody hell, I’ve recorded that. Now, where’s the “Delete” button….? Ah, got it. (Presses button.) Right, now let’s start again. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to to do something. Find a man called Marco Sci- Scia… Damn. (Presses button.) All right, this time. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to do something. Find a man-
(There is a knock on the door. Tanner enters.)
Tanner: Excuse me, ma’am.
M: Dammit, Tanner, what is it?
Tanner: Sorry, but you need to sign these papers immediately.
M: All right. (Signs papers.) Is that all?
Tanner: Yes, ma’am, thank you.
(Tanner exits.)
M: Right, this time. Oh, I’ve recorded that again. Where’s “Delete”?….Ah, here.  Now…. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to do something. Find a man called Marco Sciarra. Kill him... and don't miss the funeral. (Presses button.) There, that should do it. Oh damn, I’ve pressed “Delete” again! Right, one more try...

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol I miss the Dame.

Last edited by Royale-les-Eaux (25th Sep 2020 10:33)

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ajb007/lol I thought the in last part M would make a mistake and record "find a man called Tanner. Kill him"  ajb007/lol

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another"

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The Spy Who Never Dies wrote:

ajb007/lol I thought the in last part M would make a mistake and record "find a man called Tanner. Kill him"  ajb007/lol

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  I like that! Wish I'd thought of it.

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Barbel wrote:
The Spy Who Never Dies wrote:

ajb007/lol I thought the in last part M would make a mistake and record "find a man called Tanner. Kill him"  ajb007/lol

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  I like that! Wish I'd thought of it.

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

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1969. (M’s office.)

Miss Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Q here to see you, sir.
M: Send him in.
(Q enters.)
M: Any sign of 007, Q?
Q: Still nothing sir, but one odd thing from our American friends.
M: Oh?
Q: Captured items from the volcano fortress of one Ernst Stavro Blofeld, or what's left of it.
M: Might give us a clue as to where he's gone to ground. Go on, read the list.
Q: One state of the art video recorder-
M: What on earth is a video recorder?!
Q : It's an electronic device to record television or film feeds on a magnetic tape.
M: Amazing....
(He reaches across for some tobacco and begins filling his pipe.)
Q: Plans for a bacteriological holding and cooling system-
M: A what!!!!
Q: A fridge-like unit to keep bacteria at a dormant temperature.......
M: Fascinating!!
Q: ....and one deluxe Loving Lucy Bad Girl love doll, whatever the hell that is?
M: If it's the Deluxe model it will have life like hair and movable joints.....

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another"

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol 

And it gives me an idea.....