Imaginary conversations (Page 17 of 31)

2002. (The Royal Premiere of “Die Another Day”.)

(In the limousine.)
The Duke: So, who’s in this one then?
The Queen: That Brosnan chap again, Judi Dench-
The Duke: Mmmmm!
The Queen: That’ll be enough of that. And an American called Wholly Barely or something like that.
The Duke: Halle Berry?
The Queen: Yes, that’s it.

(The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine, to be greeted by MGW and BB.)
The Queen: Good evening, Mr & Mrs Broccoli.
BB: Ah… good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Looking forward to this one, Wilson.
MGW: (Just grateful he got the name right.) Thank you, sir.
BB: Your Majesty, may I present our James Bond, Mr Pierce Brosnan?
The Queen: Of course. How pleasant to see you again, Mr Brosnan.
Pierce: Always a pleasure to see you, ma’am.
The Queen: And this is your fifth time playing James Bond?
Pierce: Fourth, ma’am.
The Queen: Well, one is sure your fifth time will not be too long.
Pierce: Indeed, I’m looking forward to it very much.
(MGW and BB exchange uncomfortable looks.)
MGW: Ah, moving right along, Your Majesty, you will recall Dame Judi Dench.
The Queen: Of course. It is always a pleasure, Dame Judi.
Dame Judi: Likewise, ma’am.
The Queen: Have you been doing much since we met last year?
Dame Judi: Oh, 2 Oscars, 4 Emmys, and 16 BAFTA awards.
The Queen: Ah, quiet year then.
BB: Next is our villain, Mr Toby Stephens.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Stephens.
Toby: Good evening, ma’am. My mother sends her regards and best wishes.
The Queen: Your mother?
Toby: Dame Maggie Smith.
The Queen: Ah, of course. One of the foremost actresses of her generation.
Toby: The foremost, ma’am.
(Dame Judi smiles sweetly at Toby before accidentally elbowing him in the crotch...)
Toby: Argh!
(...hard.)
MGW: (Hurriedly.) Next, ma’am, is our delightful leading lady Miss Halle Berry.
The Queen: How nice to meet you, Miss Barely.
Halle: That’s Berry, ma’am.
The Queen: One has heard that you have recently won an Oscar?
Halle: That’s true, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Do you think you’ll win another one for your acting in this film?
(Pierce and Dame Judi suddenly develop a fit of coughing.)
Halle: You never know.
BB: Our director, Mr Lee Tamahori.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Tamagotchi.
Tamahori: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: Your first James Bond film, one believes?
Tamahori: Yes, ma’am, though I hope it won’t be the last.
(Again, BB & MGW exchange furtive looks.)
MGW: Next, ma’am,-
Tamahori: We have such wonderful effects in this film! You’re going to love our invisible car, and there’s a great scene where James parasails over ice-
MGW: (Firmly moving on.) Singing our title song is Madonna.
The Queen: ………………..ah.
The Duke: …………………..oh.
(There is an awkward silence as Madonna, aware that the Queen speaks first, tries to decide whether this qualifies as talking. BB tries to fill the gap.)
BB: Madonna is acting in the film as well, Your Majesty.
The Duke: ………………..….ah.
The Queen: ………………….oh.
(Another silence.)
The Duke: Will you be keeping your clothes on in this film?
The Queen: Philip!
BB: Shall we go in, ma’am?
The Queen: But of course.

  Well done, N24!     

The one report that claimed he was crying- did that, by any chance, come from a man in green trainers?

Bless your heart, N24! 

No insult is meant to any member here, they were just the easiest names for me to
er ....... slip in  although I'm happy for them to be changed

A Monsoon palace  1983 ...... in the kitchen area ...

Gobinda :     Listen up staff, the Prince has a special guest coming over and has asked for something
                    SPECIAL ..... suggestions ? He'll pay 3000 rupees !!
Welshboy the chef : In my home country we do many wonderful things with sheep ..
Gobinda :      Yes, so we've heard !! but I was thinking of food !!
Barbel the Chef :  I could get an  onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and
                         shove it all in an animals stomach
Gobinda :     In the name of Gandhi's sandals, have we No sensible suggestions ?
(From the back of the room comes a horrible screeching sound, a chef is pulling his nails
down a blackboard .....)
N24 chef :   Ya'all know me. know how I earn a living. I'll cook this meal for you, but it
                   ain't going to be easy. I'll give the recipe for three but I'll cook it for Ten !!
                   so you going to ante up or play it cheap ? I don't want no volunteers, I don't
                   want no mates, there's too many Captains already in this kitchen.
Gobinda :    What do you suggest,
N24 Chef :   Something from the old country, one of the finest  delicacies in all the world !!
( he bites in to a dry biscuit, as he speaks .... )
                   Smalahove,  or stuffed sheep's head, people will be talking about it for years !!
Gobinda :    Very well,  begin preparations for the feast.
( He throws a bog of monies on the table and leaves ... the other chefs gather round .... )
Welshboy Chef : I didn't think it was possible
Barbel Chef : Aye, Nor I ..... it was amazing
N24 Chef :   Didn't I tell you, I'd find away of getting rid of those old sheep's heads !!!!
Barbel Chef : By the way what are we eating later ?
N24 Chef : Finest venison, and I get the prize piece of this noble animal right ? 
Welshboy Chef : Of Course we all knew you'd end up with the Noble Piece Prize !

  ....and we haven't even covered QoS yet!

Smalahove isn't a stuffed sheep's head, instead you torch skin and fleece of the head,  remove the head, and the head is salted, sometimes smoked, and dried. The head is boiled or steamed for about three hours, and served with mashed rutabaga and potatoes.
Stuffed sheep's head ......  that doesn't sound overly tasty, does it?

Last edited by Number24 (26th Sep 2020 21:02)

I can't speak for the kebabs where you are, but the kebabs in Germany are ten times better than those in Scotland!

My son spent some time in Lebanon, a few years ago and I would go to visit him. In Beirut, they have take away restaurants a bit like Subway (called Barbar - no, not Barbel!) One of the things you could have in your sub was sheep's brains! They had a picture on the wall of an open sub with 3 brains next to each other on the bread. We chose something else! They made the most amazing banana splits. Massive, with loads of fruit. 

I was last there about 4 years ago. The harbour incident was so heart breaking. My son has many friends there and one of them lost 3 friends that day.     

Terribly sad news about the Beirut explosion. I hope that lessons will be learned everywhere about expediting the removal of dangerous impounded cargo in future.

Back on topic: these imaginary conversations are just going from strength to strength.     

I do not believe this! Once again, working independently from C&D, I've come up with a similarly-themed post!

2008. (Press conference for “Quantum Of Solace”.)

MGW: First of all, I’d like to thank you all for coming-
1st Reporter: What’s it called?
MGW: (Ignoring Reporter.)- to the press conference for this, our 22nd James-
2nd Reporter: Yeah, but what’s the name?
MGW: (Trying not to get annoyed.) -Bond film. We are very pleased that our last one, “Casino Royale”, was so pop-
1st Reporter: Get to the point! We have deadlines!
MGW: (Glaring at Reporter.) -ular, and hope to match it with this production which will be called… “Quantum Of Solace”.
(The reporters fall silent.)
BB: It’s a Fleming title, and we feel it important to keep in touch with where it all began.
(Reporters mutter, “What did he say?” “How do you spell that?” etc)
1st Reporter: Did you say “Quarter and Shoelace”?
BB: No, “Quantum Of Solace”. It’s a short story title from Ian Fleming.
3rd Reporter: Ah, so like “Casino Royale” it will be based on Fleming.
BB: Well, there will be some Fleming in it.
Purvis: (Whispers to Wade.) Did you know about this?
Wade: (Whispers to Purvis.) Nope. We’d better find a line or two and stick them in.
MGW: Playing James Bond for a second time is Daniel Craig, right here.
Craig: Hello, everyone.
2nd Reporter: Will you be driving an Aston Martin?
Craig: Yes, I-
1st Reporter: Will you be dying your hair?
Craig: No, I-
3rd Reporter: Have you talked to Pierce Brosnan?
Craig: Yes, we’ve-
4th Reporter: Are you glad to be back as James Bond again?
(The reporters all begin shouting questions at once, pretty much the same questions as they asked last time. Craig turns to BB.)
Craig: I told you I hate these things.
BB: All part of the job, Daniel.
(When the hubbub has died down a bit, MGW speaks again.)
MGW: Playing our leading lady is Olga Kurylenko.
1st Reporter: Is your part different from previous Bond leading ladies?
Olga: Yes, my character is more Bond’s equal.
2nd Reporter: Bond’s equal? We haven’t heard that before…. Oh, wait a minute, yes we have.
Anatole Taubman: Hi, I play the henchman, Elvis.
3rd Reporter: Olga, will you be wearing glamourous outfits?
Olga: No, it’s not really that kind of story or that kind of part.
BB: Here is Mathieu Amalric, who will be playing our villain, Mr Greene.
Anatole: And I play his henchman, Elvis.
1st Reporter: What can you tell us about your part, Mr Greene?
Amalric: No no, Mr Greene is the part- I’m called Mathieu Amalric.
2nd Reporter: Will you be trying to take over the world?
Amalric: No, just the water.
2nd Reporter: Huh? I don’t get it.
Anatole: I play the henchman, Elvis.
Amalric: You’re just going to have to watch the film to understand.
BB: Our director is Marc Forster.
Forster: Good evening.
1st Reporter: How will this film compare to its predecessor?
Forster: It will be a very different kind of film.
Wade: (Whispers to Purvis.) Yeah, “Casino Royale” was good. (Purvis has a sudden fit of coughing.)
(The reporters listen while Forster goes on about earth, water, fire etc then get bored.)
3rd Reporter: Will there be a lot of action?
Forster: Yes- it’ll be like a bullet from a gun.
Anatole: I play Elvis, the henchman.
(The reporters all scribble down “bullet from a gun”.)
BB: Returning as our composer is David Arnold.
Arnold: Hello, there.
2nd Reporter: Will the song from this film be as good as the last one, Mr Arnold?
Arnold: If they let me write it again it will be.
BB: David!
MGW: Well, thanks everyone, and it’s time to go.
Anatole: Er, hello? I play Elvis, the henchman.