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Re: Imaginary conversations

it's only in my most recent viewing of the Craig films I even noticed Bill Tanner is a character.
I certainly cant imagine him being CraigBond's best friend!

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Re: Imaginary conversations

Much like Felix Leiter, they really haven't nailed Fleming's description of Bill Tanner at all.

And Michael Kitchen, though a fine actor like Rory Kinnear, is as far removed from the tough ex-Sapper of the novels as Cec Linder is to the Leiter described by Fleming.

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel wrote:

2015. (The Royal Premiere of “Spectre”)

(The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine.)

The Queen: Good evening, Mr Wilson and Miss Broccoli.
MGW: (Amazed that the names are correct.) Ah, good evening, Your Majesty.
BB: Good evening, ma’am.
MGW: May I present our James Bond, Mr Daniel Craig?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Craig.
Craig: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: Your fourth James Bond film, one believes?
Craig: That is so, Your Majesty.
The Queen: And will there be a fifth?
Craig: I’d rather slash my-
BB: Daniel!

MGW: (Hurriedly.) Our lovely leading lady, Mme Lea Seydoux.
The Queen: Good evening, Mme Seydoux.
Lea: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: And who do you play?
Lea: I play Dr Madeleine Swann.
The Queen: Ah, Madeleine and Swann as in “À la recherche du temps perdu" no doubt.
(Further down the line, Purvis and Wade exchange a high five. Someone got it!)
The Duke: What? What are you going on about?
The Queen: Never mind, Philip.

BB: May I present Miss Moneypenny, the beautiful Naomie Harris?
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Harris.
Naomie: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: You were in the last one, weren’t you?
Naomie: That’s so, sir.
The Duke: And you told me you weren’t Miss Moneypenny, said you were someone called “Eve”.
Naomie: Well, I didn’t want to give away the surprise, sir.
The Duke: Hmph.

BB: Next is Christoph Waltz.
The Queen: Ah, and what part do you play, Herr Waltz?
Waltz: I play Franz Oberhauser, ma’am.
The Duke: Ha, you don’t fool me. You play that Blofeld chap, don’t you?
Waltz: Well, I-
BB: (Quickly.) No no, Your Highness, Christoph is quite right, he plays Franz Oberhauser.
The Duke: Oh no you don’t. I got fooled by that Miss Moneypenny gal, I’m not falling for that again. Where’s your white cat?

MGW: (Moving along briskly.) Next is Ralph Fiennes, who plays M.
The Queen: Ah, hello again Mr Fiennes.
Ralph: Always a pleasure, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Not been climbing any mountains recently, eh, Fiennes? This acting business seems a bit safer!
Ralph: Ah, that was my uncle, sir.
The Duke: You sure?
Ralph: Yes, sir, quite sure.

BB: Next, ma’am, is Mr Rory Kinnear.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Kinnear?
Rory: Bill Tanner, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Rory Kinnear?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Rory sighs.)

MGW: Next, ma’am, is the lovely Monica Bellucci.
The Duke: Ah, your face seems familiar.
Monica: Perhaps Your Highness has seen some of my Italian movies?
The Duke: Yes, that’ll be… Oh, er, sorry, my mistake. (Reddening.) I haven’t seen you in any Italian movies. Or any movies. Never seen any Italian movies. Oh no.
BB: Perhaps we should go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.

This is perfect! The dialogue between the Duke and Naomie, Waltz and Monica are my favourite ones but they are all really good.

Ralph: Ah, that was my uncle, sir.
The Duke: You sure?
Ralph: Yes, sir, quite sure.
     

ajb007/lol  This reminds me of when I was pregnant and having a check up. The nurse asked if I smoked and I said no. She then "asked are you sure!" I think I would know  ajb007/lol

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Re: Imaginary conversations

Charmed & Dangerous wrote:

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  (I wonder if Mr Kinnear (who?) ever frequents these pages?  ajb007/amazed  ajb007/lol )

Or the Queen and the Duke ajb007/lol

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Re: Imaginary conversations

Oh, they've had worse things said about them to many, many more people.

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Re: Imaginary conversations

Co-written with Charmed & Dangerous.




1962. (Royal Premiere of “Dr No”. As they wait for the Queen, Cubby and Harry squabble furiously.)

Harry: I get to welcome her.
Cubby: No, I do that.
Harry: Listen,you overgrown cauliflower, you wouldn’t be here if not for me.
Cubby: I wouldn’t be here if not for you? I bought the rights!
Harry: YOU bought the rights??? I think you’ll find-
(The Queen’s limousine draws up. Harry and Cubby smile pleasantly as she emerges, followed by the Duke.)
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Harry: Good-
Cubby: -Evening
Harry: Your-
Cubby: -Majesty

The Duke: Hope you’ve done a good job, men, I’ve read this book and I’m looking forward to seeing it as a film.
Cubby: Thank you, sir.
The Duke: Especially the bit where Bond wakes up on the beach and sees the girl coming out of the water! I mean, she’s completely-
The Queen: Philip!

Harry: Let me introduce you to our cast, ma’am. Playing James Bond is Mr Sean Connery.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Connery.
Sean: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: I say Mr Connery– your accent, Welsh?
Sean: No, your Royal Highnesh…
The Duke: Irish?
Sean: No, your Royal Highnesh… Scotsh.
The Duke: Good idea! Where’s the bar? Mine’s a double… (Under his breath to the Queen.) Strange accent! Not sure that’ll catch on.
 
Cubby: May I present our stunning leading lady, Miss Ursula Andress.
The Duke: Did you say “undress”?
Cubby: No, “Andress”.
The Duke: (Disappointed.) Oh. Still, there’s that scene to look forward to! You know, the one where she-
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Andress.
Ursula: Good evening, ma’am.

Harry: Playing our villain is Mr Joseph Wiseman.
The Queen: Tell me which part you play, Mr Wiseman?
Wiseman: No.
The Queen: (Surprised.) I beg your pardon?
(Six heavily armed bodyguards quickly surround the Queen and Wiseman.)
Wiseman: (Nervously.) My character is called “No”- Dr No, ma’am, just like the title of the film.
The Queen: Oh, I see.

Cubby: May I introduce another of our cast, Mr Lester Pendergast.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Pendergast. And who do you play?

SpoilerLester: I’m the owner of a bar in Jamaica, your Highness. My name in the film is, ahh, Puss Feller.
The Queen: (Looking back to see the Duke dawdling with Ursula.) Philip, do hurry up. Come and meet this gentleman. Puss Feller.
The Duke: Ahh, man after me own heart, good show!

Cubby: Our composer, Mr Monty Norman.
The Queen: And how are you, Mr Norman?
Monty: Delighted to meet you, ma’am.
The Queen: Do you play any of the instruments in the music?
Monty: Oh no, ma’am. I wouldn’t want to take credit for someone else’s work.
(A thin, younger man in the corner has to be restrained by two of his seven friends.)
The Queen: That would never do.

Cubby: May I introduce our production designer, Mr Ken Adam? He’s responsible for our immensely impressive sets.
The Duke: How do you do Mr Adam. You must have had quite a formidable budget, eh?
Ken: Nein! I mean, ah, no, it vas a pittance, fourteen thousand pounds. I even had to paint a portrait of The Duke of Wellington. It’s a joke of course as ze real one vas stolen, if you recall, so I put it in ze villain’s lair.
The Queen: What did he say, Philip?
The Duke: Mr Adam was explaining dear, about his little artistic joke after The Duke disappeared.
The Queen: Well that’s a neat trick, Mr Adam. Perhaps you’ll show me how it’s done?

Harry: Shall we go in, Your Majesty?
The Queen: But of course.
(As the Queen and the Duke enter, Harry turns to Cubby.)
Harry: (Whispers.) I bought the rights.
Cubby: Listen you....

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Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/cheers

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another"

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Re: Imaginary conversations

1963. (On set, gypsy camp scene.)

Terence: Lighting all ready, sound good to go… Where’s Pedro?
Assistant: I haven’t seen him, Mr Young.
Terence: Well, we need him to sit watching while the gypsy girls fight, I can’t start shooting without him.
(Pedro wanders onto the set, arm in arm with Ian Fleming. Both are bleary-eyed.)
Pedro: Hello there, Terence!
Ian: Good evening, Young old boy.
Terence: And where have you been?
Pedro: Ian said “Let’s go for just one drink.”
Ian: One drink, yes.
Terence: And we all know what one of your drinks is like. All right, get some make-up on Pedro and let’s get ready.
Ian: So, this is the gypsy girl fight then?
Terence: That’s right.
Ian: I’m looking forward to this!
(Martine Beswick approaches Terence.)
Martine: A word with you, Terence?
Terence: Of course, Martine, what can I do for you?
Martine: Well, it’s just that when you said I could play a part in this film…
Terence: Yes? You have a part. I’m filming it soon!
Martine: I had sort of thought that it would be a speaking part!
Terence: Don’t worry, my dear, I promise that in the very next James Bond film I direct you will have a speaking part.
Martine: Well, all right.
Terence: Right, that’s Pedro here. Positions everyone, and… action!
(The two gypsy girls fight, with Bond and Kerim looking on.)
Terence: Cut! Great work, everybody.
Ian: I say, Young?
Terence: (Busy, not wanting interrupted.) Yes?
Ian: You forgot the bit where they tear each others clothes off. I mean, it’s one of the highlights of that chapter in my book.
Terence: And how the hell do you expect me to get that past the censor?
Ian: Ah I see- just like the white bikini in the last movie.
Terence: Exactly.

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Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

460

Re: Imaginary conversations

1977. (A tent in the Sahara Desert.)

1st Servant: Sheikh Hosein, a man approaches. He is on a camel, and has a guide.
Hosein: No visitors were expected- let me see that telescope. Ah!
1st Servant: Do you know him, sir?
Hosein: It’s an old friend of mine. We mustn’t let him see the place like this- quick, tidy everything up, put out fresh drapes.
2nd Servant: At once, sir. And some food?
Hosein: Yes, I think so. And give the place a quick hoovering- that bloody sand gets everywhere! Oh, I wish James Dyson would hurry up and invent his machine.
1st Servant: Will you be wanting to change, sir?
Hosein: Oh thanks, I forgot about that- can’t let him see me in T-shirt and jeans. Yes, get my best robes out.
1st Serving Girl: Will you be wanting us to change too, sir?
Hosein: Yes, of course. Put on those very brief outfits you wore for my birthday party.
2nd Serving Girl: What about the gold bikini?
Hosein: Good idea, but better not- a man called Lucas has reserved it, says he might want to buy it soon.
(Ten minutes later, all is ready.)
Hosein: All the sand swept away? Food ready? Got the best lounging chairs out?
Servants: Yes, sir.
Hosein: Right, you lie there, you there, and you there… Just time for me to get into position… (Gets into lounging position.) Right, I think that’s it.
(James Bond enters the tent, appropriately dressed.)
Bond: Assalaam alaykum.
Hosein: Alaykum assalaam.
Bond: May the peace of Allah descend upon this magnificent abode and allow a poor traveller to enter.
Hosein: May the hospitality of these miserable quarters be sufficient to your honoured needs. (Stands.) James Bond! What a delightful surprise after all these years. Do sit down, my dear fellow.

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Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another"

462

Re: Imaginary conversations

Well done, Barbel and C&D, the standard is extraordinarily high, how do you do it  ajb007/lol

Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

463

Re: Imaginary conversations

Has anyone suggested publishing a book of all those marvels?

President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

-------Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!------

464

Re: Imaginary conversations

Higgins wrote:

Has anyone suggested publishing a book of all those marvels?

Christmas is coming!

465

Re: Imaginary conversations

Alas, that wouldn't be possible  ajb007/crap

Copyright clearance is the main obstacle. Parodies are fair game here, but not in print.

Something special coming up....

466

Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel, have you asked EON for clearance?  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

-------Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!------

467

Re: Imaginary conversations

It wouldn't just be Eon- IFP would have to give their ok. These imaginary conversations include IFP characters, Eon characters, and imaginary versions of real people many of whom have passed away. The clearance involved would be very complicated if not impossible.

468

Re: Imaginary conversations

I can now reveal "Imaginary conversations" will be rellesed for Christmas as an audiobook read by Timothy Dalton  ajb007/biggrin

469

Re: Imaginary conversations

No no, N24, he's to read the Shakespeare versions of course.

470

Re: Imaginary conversations

My mistake. George Lazenby will read "imaginary conversations"

471

Re: Imaginary conversations

I would prefer to hear it performed by Barbel/TP/C&D et al, a la The Goon Show ajb007/lol

"Any of the opposition around..?"

472

Re: Imaginary conversations

I get to do Sean Connery!  ajb007/lol

473

Re: Imaginary conversations

The Red Kind wrote:

I would prefer to hear it performed by Barbel/TP/C&D et al, a la The Goon Show ajb007/lol

That could seriously work as a podcast.

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Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel wrote:

I get to do Sean Connery!  ajb007/lol

...and a bad one may I say  ajb007/biggrin

President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

-------Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!------

475

Re: Imaginary conversations

No no, Higgins, it's "may I shay" not "may I say"  ajb007/rolleyes

Btw, have you spotted your cameo a page back?  ajb007/biggrin