26

Re: Imaginary conversations

1965. (On set, Palmyra.)

Terence: ...then you fight the bad guy in the pool. You kill him, then Largo opens this hatch and lets in the sharks. You have to-
Sean: Hey shlower, shlower there- did you shay sharksh?
Terence: Yes, that’s right, sharks. We’ve got about three or four of them and they come down the tunnel into the pool-
Sean: The pool where I am?
Terence: That’s right, and you-
Sean: Now wait a minute, where’sh the shtuntman?
Terence: Shtuntman, er, stuntman?
Sean: Damn right, I’m not shwimming with shome sharksh.
Terence: Well, I want the audience to see that it’s you. I’ve got to have some shots of you with the sharks.
Sean: I don’t care what you’ve got to have, no way am I going in the water with them!
Terence: (Losing patience.) How would you feel about some mutated sea bass?
Sean: Are they ill-tempered?
Terence: They will be after I poke them with a stick.
Sean: Friggin’ shea bassh….

27

Re: Imaginary conversations

1986. (Eon HQ.)

Cubby:...so that’s about it, then. Pierce, if you’ll just sign on the dotted line here. Now, where did I put my pen?
Pierce: I’ve got mine all ready, Mr Broccoli, sir!
Cubby: That’s great, if you’ll just- oh, I see you’ve already done it. In fact the paper is smoking from the speed with which you signed.
Pierce: I’ve been practising for just this moment.
MGW: Well, allow me to be the first to say congratulations, Pierce- or should I say, Mr Bond.
Pierce: (Slightly dazed and starry-eyed.) Mr Bond. James Bond. My name’s Bond, James Bond. (Smiles happily.)
Cubby: Yes, that’s the case. I hope we make a lot of good movies together.
Pierce: Oh yes, me too.
Cubby: Michael, have you got the script there?
MGW: Yes, right here- have a look, Pierce.
Pierce: (Reading.) “The Living Daylights”- interesting title.
Cubby: Yes, I’m looking forward to this.
Pierce: I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time…

28

Re: Imaginary conversations

2008. (Editing suite.)

Forster: So, as you see we start with the camera panning across the water getting closer to the car chase-
MGW: That’s fine, Marc, it can come just after the gunbarrel.
Forster: Gunbarrel?
BB: Yes, you know, the gunbarrel that starts off the Bond films.
Forster: You didn’t do that on the last film!
BB: Yes, well, we sort of did, but there was a reason for that. There’s no reason not to include it here.
Forster: I want to make an artistic statement, unclouded by decades of tradition.
MGW: Artistic statement?
Forster: I told you- earth, fire, water, air. Well, we’re going to open on water.
BB: Sure, but after the gunbarrel. I mean-
Forster: You are interfering with my artistic judgement! You said I could direct this film my way!
MGW: Yes, but-
Forster: Next thing you’ll be telling me how to edit it!
BB: Ah, yes, that’s another thing. About the editing-
Forster: Philistines!
(He stomps off.)
MGW: (Sighs heavily.) I suppose we could let him do it his way.
BB: I suppose so. It’s still bound to be a big success, and it’s not as if Bond fans will be arguing about it for years afterwards.

29

Re: Imaginary conversations

1982. Cubby, Maibaum, MGW and Glen are discussing the next Bond movie.

Glen: The general view of Bond fans is that FYEO is a great entry in the series, getting Bond back on a more serious level, many think it’s the best Roger film so far, I’m really happy with it!
Cubby: Maybe so, but it made a lot less profit than MR so we need to get back to some good old comedy.
MGW: We need to play to Roger’s strengths as an actor, he hates all that macho stuff like kicking cars off a cliff, he’s much better clowning around.
Maibaum: Ok, I will get him dressed up as a clown in a circus!
Glen: But....
Cubby: Brilliant idea, Richard.
MGW: How about getting Bond swing through trees on a vine doing the Tarzan yell?
Glen: But...
Cubby: Great idea, write it in, Richard.
Maibaum: Who’s popular on TV at the moment?
MGW: That Barbara woman, who trains dogs
Glen: But no one outside of the UK knows her!
Cubby: Oh we all watch that, John, maybe try and get something out of that, Richard, I’m sure we can think of something.
Glen: (Exasperated) We may as well dress him up in a gorilla suit as well!
Cubby: Now you’re talking! Write that in, Richard.
Glen: (Stands up to leave, in a huff) Oh, for goodness sake!
Cubby, Maibaum and MGW, altogether: SIT!!!!!

Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

30

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

31

Re: Imaginary conversations

1975. (Eon HQ.)

MGW: Cubby, I have some news for you. It seems that Harry Saltzman-
Cubby: Friggin’ Saltzman, always causing trouble, I wish I’d never-
MGW: Listen, he’s lost a lot of money and he’s had to sell up. You’re now the sole producer of the James Bond movies.
Cubby: What? That’s wonderfu- I mean, poor Harry!
MGW: Yes, he sold out to United Artists and you’re now the owner of Eon without him.
Cubby: Amazing, er, I mean, amazingly bad for Harry.
MGW: Are you feeling ok Cubby? I mean, you’re smiling so wide it looks like the top of your head might fall off. And I’ve never seen you dance for joy like that.
Cubby: No, no, everything’s fine, I’m just feeling, er, sorry for Harry. Yes, sorry…
MGW: So what does this mean?
Cubby: It means a promotion for you, my boy! But first, let’s get the family all together and have a meal to celebra- commiserate for Harry. Better order some fireworks, and flowers, and champagne. Lots of champagne.

32

Re: Imaginary conversations

1998 New Bond Film Scripts sent to Principal Cast;

Somewhere in Beverley Hills a script is hand delivered to an actress;
DR: Oh wow! The script has arrived! I'm so excited to get a part in a Bond film! No matter how small. I can't wait!
       
Excitedly she opens the parcel..
DR: Hmmm... This is quite thick? Perhaps they've just used a big typeface spread over a lot of pages, so it's easier to read and practise in the mirror?

Somewhere in Chelsea a script is hand delivered to an actress;
SST: Oh fab! The script has arrived! I'm overwhelmed to be cast as the Bond Girl in the next film. I can't wait!

Excitedly she opens the parcel..
SST: Hmmm... This is quite thin.. Perhaps it's just an overview of the character?

Meanwhile, in an office in London;
DMcW to her PA: Did those scripts go out to Miss Richards and Miss Scott Thomas?
PA: Yes Madam. Shipped yesterday by secure express courier as requested.
DMcW: And you made sure they were sent in the right envelopes?
PA: Yes Madam. Mr Wilson helped me pack them himself...

"Any of the opposition around..?"

33

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/biggrin  ajb007/biggrin  ajb007/biggrin  That sounds pretty likely, I think!

34

Re: Imaginary conversations

1979. (Editing suite.)

Gilbert: Right, the gondola chase seemed to work well, John.
Glen: Thanks, Lewis. Now, here’s the scene where it turns into a hovercraft and Roger drives it through the square.
Gilbert: Let’s have a look, then…
Glen: Ok, here goes. We go into the square…
Gilbert: Looking good, we’ve got the waiter pouring beer on the man’s head. Good shot of Victor and his wine bottle… Hey, what’s this with the pigeon?
Glen: (Spitting feathers from his mouth.) Pigeon?
Gilbert: Take it back, take it back… there, that pigeon- it did a double-take! I don’t remember filming a pigeon!
Glen: Ah, yes, er, that was me Lewis, I thought it would be a nice touch.
Gilbert: A nice touch? A double-taking pigeon?
Glen: Hey, you’ve already got a steel-toothed giant falling for a small blonde with braces!
Gilbert: Braces? She didn’t have braces!
Glen: Really? I could have sworn she-
Gilbert: Anyway, what possessed you to put a double-taking pigeon into this scene?
Glen: Well, I like birds and I thought-
Gilbert: I’ll let it stand, John, but don’t do that again. Once you start directing pictures yourself you can put in as many birds as you like but no more on this one!




(Anyone get the one about spitting feathers?  ajb007/biggrin )

35

Re: Imaginary conversations

1999. Eon HQ.
DAVID ARNOLD: Guys! Guys! I’ve found the perfect artist to do the title song next time…
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Really?
DAVID ARNOLD: Yeah- they’re Garbage!
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Pardon?
DAVID ARNOLD: I said, they’re Garbage!
BARBARA BROCCOLI: We’re not looking for garbage, David.
DAVID ARNOLD: Why not? They’re a great band!
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Make up your mind, please…are they good, or are they rubbish?
DAVID ARNOLD: Well, technically they’re both…
BARBARA BROCCOLI: What was their last album?
DAVID ARNOLD: It was Absolute Garbage.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Then why on earth do you want to let them near Bond?
DAVID ARNOLD: I can explain…
BARBARA BROCCOLI: You're fired. Get me John Barry on the phone, please.
DAVID ARNOLD: Now wait a minute…

36

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

37

Re: Imaginary conversations

1962. (Eon HQ.)

Harry: Ah, come in Mr McGoohan, please have a seat.
Patrick: Thank you.
Cubby: I take it you’ve read the script?
Patrick: Yes, and I have one or two little points to discuss with you.
Harry: Oh?
Patrick: Yes, first of all this scene here when Bond comes back to his apartment and finds Miss Trench there.
Cubby: Yes, he finds her playing golf. We could change that, she could be playing something else instead, like cards, if you like?
Patrick: No, not that- it seems she spends the night with Bond before he flies off to Jamaica.
Harry: Well, yes.
Patrick: That has to go. And later, he goes to Miss Taro’s place and they go to bed!
Cubby: That’s right, he knows Professor Dent will come there later and try to kill him.
Patrick: That has to go too. And speaking of Professor Dent, he shoots him!
Harry: Of course, Dent has tried to kill him and he’s licenced to kill.
Patrick: Well that has to go, too. Speaking of which, he kills one of the guards in the swamp and then later he-
Cubby: You don’t want to be seen killing people?
Patrick: That’s right.
Harry: And you don’t want to go to bed with any of the beautiful ladies?
Patrick: Yes, that’s right too.
Cubby: I see… Well, thanks Mr McGoohan, we’ll be letting you know.
Patrick: Shall I take the script away with me?
Harry: No, just leave it here. Thanks.
(Patrick exits.)
Harry: This is going to be harder than I thought.
Cubby: Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find the right man soon. Next!
(A tall man with thinning dark hair comes in.)
Man: Ish thish the plashe for the Jamesh Bond interviewsh?

38

Re: Imaginary conversations

1974. (Pinewood. On set.)

Guy: Right, that’s the lighting sorted. Sound, good to go?
Soundman: All set, Mr Hamilton.
Guy: Time to get the cast, then. Derek, please round them up!
Derek: Sure thing, Guy.

(Derek goes to the dressing room doors and knocks on the first one.)
Derek: Roger? It’s Derek.
Roger: (Opening door.) But of course it is, how are you Derek?
Derek: All fine, Guy asks if you’d come to the set now.
Roger: Certainly.

(Derek goes to the next door and starts to knock, but the door opens inwards of its own accord with an eerie creak.)
Derek: Er, hello?
(There is no reply. Derek walks hesitantly into the darkened chamber. As his eyes adjust, he sees what appears to be a long box on a table which he walks towards. The lid of the box creaks open.)
Christopher: Good evening. I bid you welcome.
Derek: Er, Mr Lee, please could you come to the set, if that’s ok. If you wouldn’t mind. Please.
Christopher: Who has summoned…. ME?
Derek: Er, that would be Mr Hamilton. Guy Hamilton. The, er, director. If it’s not too much trouble…
Christopher: I shall be there.

(Derek runs relievedly to the next door and knocks. There is the sound of much female laughter and giggling from behind the door.)
Hervé: Who is it?
Derek: Monsieur Villechaize, it’s Derek the assistant director. Mr Hamilton would like you on set, please.
Girl’s Voice: Not now! He is still busy with us! (More giggling.)
Derek: But it’s time for him to be on set!
Second Girl’s Voice: Go away!!!

(Derek returns to the set to see Guy, Roger and Christopher waiting.)
Guy: Well? Where’s Hervé?
Derek: He’s just coming, sir.

39

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

40

Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel wrote:

1962. (Eon HQ.)

Harry: Ah, come in Mr McGoohan, please have a seat.
...
(A tall man with thinning dark hair comes in.)
Man: Ish thish the plashe for the Jamesh Bond interviewsh?

Probably more than a grain of truth in that one!  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

41

Re: Imaginary conversations

Los Angeles, 2018

Rachel: Ok Dan, it's that time again.
Dan: Rachel - drop it. You'll lose.
Rachel: C'mon Dan, you know I love this game. Please!
Dan: Okay, okay. What do you want to go for this time?
Rachel: Name three occupations as far away from Bond as you can get.
Dan: Umm... suburban dog walker... middle-aged school teacher... cowboy. But I'm telling you, you're gonna lose.
Rachel: Now we're talking! Ok for the dog walker, let's see, you gotta wear an ill-fitting navy Barbour with a pointy collar and suede desert boots. Let's see.. for the school teacher, you've gotta wear a blue shirt, burgundy tie, beige corduroy suit... and braces. Braces with a belt! And for the cowboy... one of those oversize duster coats, a grandad collarless shirt, and the braces again.
Dan: Rachel, you're gonna lose.
Rachel: Here's the clincher: none of it can cost less than hundreds of pounds. And the watch has to cost at least £8k!
Dan: It's no good Rachel. You're still going to lose. No matter what it looks like or what it costs, if I wear it, those Bond fans will buy it! They're crazy!

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

42

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  And that one is probably very true, too!

43

Re: Imaginary conversations

1960. (Jonathan Cape, Publishers)

Publisher: Good morning Ian, how are you?
Fleming: I’m fine, how are you?
Publisher: Can’t complain. Fancy a drink?
Fleming: But of course. Three measures of-
Publisher: Yes, yes, I’ve been publishing your books for years, I know the recipe by now.
Fleming: Thank you. I’ve brought my new manuscript with me.
Publisher: Great, I really enjoyed your last one- the one with Fort Knox and Pussy Galore and Oddjob- great stuff!
Fleming: Well, I thought I’d do something a bit different this time. It’s a collection of five short stories.
Publisher: Short stories? I hope James Bond is in them!
Fleming: Yes, he’s in them.
Publisher: Tell me all about it!
Fleming: Well, I won't keep you for more than an hour or so if you give me your undivided attention. Now, the first story is called “From A View To A Kill”.
Publisher: Hmm, that’s a bit wordy- you don’t fancy shortening it, maybe chopping off the first word?
Fleming: No, no, that wouldn’t make any sense. It would be crazy to do that.
Publisher: I suppose so.
Fleming: It’s set in France.
Publisher: France, eh? Have you got a scene on the Eiffel Tower? I know- Bond chases a villain up the Tower but they jump off on a parachute!
Fleming: That would be ridiculous.
Publisher: A car chase? Maybe Bond is in that Aston Martin from the last book, the one with the gadgets?
Fleming: Well, there is a motorcycle chase.
Publisher: Excellent! What’s the next story?
Fleming: It’s called “For Your Eyes Only”, and it’s the title story. A couple called Havelock are killed by a villain named Gonzales, and M sends Bond on a mission where he teams up with their daughter, who’s armed with a crossbow to take revenge.
Publisher: Good stuff.
Fleming: The next story is called “Quantum Of Solace”.
Publisher: Wha…? Bantam Of Shoelace?
Fleming: “Quantum Of Solace”.
Publisher: Ian, I swear I don’t know where you get these titles from. Don’t bother telling me about that one, what’s next?
Fleming: The next one is called “Risico” and-
Publisher: See, there you go with these titles again!
Fleming: Bond is investigating drug smuggling, and meets two characters called Kristatos and Colombo and doesn’t know which one to trust. There’s a beautiful woman called Lisl.
Publisher: Fine, but can’t you think of a better title? Something like, say, “The Death Peddlers”?
Fleming: No, I like “Risico”.
Publisher: Maybe “Risky Business”?
Fleming: No! Now, this one I'm particularly keen about. “The Hildebrand Rarity”.
Publisher: You’re just trying to upset me now.
Fleming: It has not been perfected after years of patient research entirely for that purpose.
Publisher: Very well, let’s just go with all that. After all, you have to take the rough with the smooth.

44

Re: Imaginary conversations

1977. (On set. A train carriage.)

Lewis: Now, Richard, we want the audience to be really scared that Jaws is going to kill James Bond.
Richard: What, like this?
(Richard picks up Roger Moore and bounces him off the ceiling four or five times.)
Roger: Ooof!!!
Lewis: No, not like that. Grab him but let his arms be free so he can get a weapon.
Richard: Oh, I see. Like this?
(Richard picks up Roger with one hand and holds him high in the air.)
Roger: Aargh!!
Lewis: No, a bit lower. He has to be able to reach the table.
Richard: Right.
(Richard thrusts Roger against a wall.)
Roger: Owww!!!
Lewis: Can you reach the table, Roger?
Roger: (Gasping.) … table…?
Lewis: Yes, you have to get the lamp.
(Roger desperately grabs the lamp as Richard shoves him against the ceiling.)
Roger: Lewis… Richard…. please...
Lewis: Use two hands, Richard!
Richard: Right!
Roger: Uurgh!!!
Lewis: Right, action! Richard, welease Woger.
(Roger collapses in a heap clinging to the lamp.)

https://i.postimg.cc/d7FHb588/ian-fleming-from-russia.jpg

45

Re: Imaginary conversations

Jonathan Cape must have loved those titles!  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

46

Re: Imaginary conversations

1974. (A lawyer’s office in Bangkok.)

Lawyer: Now, what can I do for you?
Boy: It was yesterday, I was going about my work.
Lawyer: Your work?
Boy: Yes, I sell wooden elephants to tourists. This one was English, all dressed in white like he was doing karate or kung-fu or something like that, and he was in a boat.
Lawyer: A boat, you say?
Boy: But he was having trouble with making it go. I climbed into his boat from the river and put on my can’t speak English act. I said “Elephant. Bargain mister, 100 bahts” but he just ignored me, kept looking behind as if he was being chased.
Lawyer: And then?
Boy: Then I cut the price- “Elephant, real elephant! 50 bahts!”
Lawyer: Did that work?
Boy: No, he just kept trying to make the boat go faster. I said “You are very handsome man, 40 bahts”.
Lawyer: And was he?
Boy: Oh yes, one of the most handsome men I have ever seen. Next I said “For you mister, 20 bahts” which was my lowest offer.
Lawyer: And he still wasn’t interested?
Boy: No, but he spoke now and said “Sonny, I’ll give you 20,000 bahts if you can make this heap go any faster!”
Lawyer: Hmmm, he must have thought it was very important.
Boy: He didn’t know anything about our boats- I turned the fuel release valve and the boat started going faster so I smiled and asked for my 20,000 bahts.
Lawyer: What happened then?
Boy: He just pushed me into the water saying “I’m afraid I’ll have to owe you” and sped off.
Lawyer: So you didn’t get your money?
Boy: No! I want you to find him and sue him for my 20,000 bahts!
Lawyer: Well, did you get his name and address?
Boy: There wasn’t time.
Lawyer: Then I’m afraid there’s very little I can do for you. Very sorry.
Boy: Bloody tourists!

47

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  Bloody lawyers!  ajb007/biggrin

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

48

Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel wrote:

(Anyone get the one about spitting feathers?  ajb007/biggrin )

Nope?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDEsm0unZrs

ajb007/biggrin

49

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  Just wanted to say, there are some great conversations here.  ajb007/cheers
with the humour far from Imaginary  ajb007/wink

“I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died.
‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’”..... Lee Mack.

50

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/biggrin  Much appreciated, TP


1971. (Eon HQ.)

Saltzman: So, has anyone seen Cubby?
Hamilton: He said last night “See you in the morning” same as usual.
Saltzman: Oh, well, better go ahead anyway. Richard, what’s your thoughts?
Maibaum: Well, I’ve kept the first half of the script quite close to the novel- included Tiffany Case, Wint & Kidd, the South Africa bit- and then we get to Las Vegas. Tom?
Mankiewicz: I think in the casino James should meet some absolute beauty but I’m stuck for a name for her.
Saltzman: What are you thinking?
Mankiewicz: Something like Alotta Cleavage?
Hamilton: Busty O’Bedtime?
Maibaum: Peaches Aplenty?
Saltzman: I like the “Aplenty” bit.
Mankiewicz: Plenty O’Peaches?
Saltzman: Hmm, we’re getting closer, I’m sure it’ll come to us. What happens next?
Mankiewicz: She fancies James and they head back to his room but three of Blofeld’s men are waiting there and they throw her out of a window.
Hamilton: What? Are you kidding?
Mankiewicz: It’s ok, she lands in the pool.
Hamilton: I didn’t know there was a pool down there.
Mankiewicz: Great line, Guy! (Scribbles away furiously.) I’m putting that in.
Maibaum: Then the gangsters leave, but James finds Tiffany in his bed waiting.
Saltzman: That’s great Richard, there’s a lot more to you than I had expected.
Mankiewicz: Wait a minute… (Scribble, scribble.) Got that too!
(The door opens and Cubby Broccoli enters.)
Broccoli: Guys, I overslept- but I had this fantastic dream! I went to visit Howard Hughes in his penthouse  but when he turned round it wasn’t him!
Maibaum: Who was it?
Broccoli: It looked like Henderson from “You Only Live Twice”, but there were two of him.
Mankiewicz: Hold on, hold on… got that!
Hamilton: Have we decided yet if Blofeld is going to be in this? James will be wanting revenge on him for killing his wife at the end of the last movie.
Saltzman: Nah, we’ll just gloss over that. We don’t want to go to all that time and expense simply to provide him with one mock-heroic moment.
Maibaum: (Whispering.) You got that, Tom?
Mankiewicz: (Whispering.) Yeah, got it.
Broccoli: I think we’ve gotta have a car chase in Vegas.
Hamilton: No problem, we can do that.
Saltzman: And a space buggy chase!
Broccoli: Space buggy chase?
Saltzman: Yeah, sure, why not?
Broccoli: An excellent question. And one which will be hanging on the lips of the world quite soon.
Maibaum: (Whispering.) Tom-
Mankiewicz: (Whispering.) Way ahead of you, Richard.
Maibaum: Now, Cubby, we’ve been trying to come up with a name for this girl James meets in Las Vegas-
Broccoli: No question- Plenty O’Toole!
Hamilton: That’s brilliant!
Broccoli: Intuitive improvisation- it’s the true secret of genius.
Mankiewicz: (Whispering.) Shall I include that, too?
Maibaum: (Whispering.) I’ll save it for a later film.
(Several hours later.)
Broccoli: ...and we finish on the oil rig. Sounds great, guys. Now, let’s work on the middle of the film.
Hamilton: Count me out, Cubby. It’s late, I’m tired, and there’s so much left to do.
Maibaum & Mankiewicz: That’s going in!