501

Re: Imaginary conversations

Shady Tree wrote:

MGW: So Quentin, we're curious to hear your pitch.
.........
BABS: Hmm, what was that he was saying about a blonde Bond?

ajb007/lol  Y'know, some of that might actually work!

502

Re: Imaginary conversations

Westward_Drift wrote:
Barbel wrote:

1973. (Eon HQ, on an oil rig.)

Harry: So we’re sure that Sean isn’t coming back?
...................
Tom: No, not at all.

I somehow feel the same conversation was had about YOLT and TSWLM and again with Moonraker.  ajb007/lol

Might do that next! (Unless someone beats me to it)

503

Re: Imaginary conversations

SpectreOfDefeat wrote:

Aboard a plane, somewhere in the skies above Africa. 1979.
..............
Stewardess: OK. (sigh) I knew I should have stayed with Ryanair…

I wouldn't be at all surprised if that's what had happened.

504

Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel wrote:
Westward_Drift wrote:
Barbel wrote:

1973. (Eon HQ, on an oil rig.)

Harry: So we’re sure that Sean isn’t coming back?
...................
Tom: No, not at all.

I somehow feel the same conversation was had about YOLT and TSWLM and again with Moonraker.  ajb007/lol

Might do that next! (Unless someone beats me to it)



1977. (Eon HQ, orbiting Earth.)

Cubby: Well, I’d like to welcome back Lewis Gilbert to the Bond team. It’s been, what ten years since you directed “You Only Live Twice”?
Lewis: Yes, that’s right, Cubby.
Cubby: Let me introduce you to my right hand man, my stepson Michael G. Wilson.
Lewis: Hello, Michael.
MGW: Hello, Lewis.
Cubby: And our writers, Dick Maibaum and Christopher Wood.
Dick/Christopher: Hello.
Lewis: Hello there.
Cubby: Any thoughts, Lewis?
Lewis: Well, my first thought is that I’d like to not just do “You Only Live Twice” all over again.
Cubby: Dick and Christopher, what have you got?
Dick: We’re thinking that the villain is trying to cause war between East and West by stealing crafts belonging to them.
Christopher: Yes, using a vessel which opens up to swallow them.
Dick: In fact, that’s how we’re going to open the movie.
Christopher: Then we meet Bond, who is of course in bed with a beautiful woman-
Dick: - who’s part of a plot to kill him-
Christopher: - which of course he survives-
Dick: - then he gets his mission briefing-
Christopher: - and off he goes to an exotic location he’s not been to before-
Dick: -where he meets a series of contacts.
Christopher: Bond, while using a false name, gets to meet a villain and his glamorous secretary. After the meeting, the villain says “kill him”.
Christopher: After which the bad guys obviously try to kill him-
Dick: - and we have a car chase, with Bond and his lady in a white sports car being chased by the bad guys in a black car, trying to shoot them.
Christopher: Don’t forget the helicopter, Dick.
Dick: Oh yeah, there’s a helicopter too.
Christopher: The villain kills a sexy lady working for him by making her fall into a pool containing-
Dick: - some sort of dangerous fish. We’ll deal with that later.
Christopher: Oh, and the villain has a big strong henchman that Bond fights near the climax-
Dick: - who also ends up in the pool.
Christopher: Bond and the main lady get into the villain’s base, which must be really spectacular.
Cubby: Ken Adam?
Dick: Oh yes, it has to be Ken. Really huge base with the stolen craft-
Christopher: - and a control room separated from the main part-
Everybody: (All together.) And a monorail!
Dick: Bond frees the imprisoned crews from the captured craft-
Christopher: - and we have a gigantic pitched battle. Guns, grenades, you name it-
Dick: - with Bond having to get into the “impregnable” control room-
Christopher: - where just in time he destroys the villain’s craft, before WW3 is caused.
Dick: And we finish with Bond and the leading lady in a small boat, just about to make out-
Christopher: -before being interrupted by M & co.
Lewis: So, not like “You Only Live Twice” at all, then.
Dick/Christopher: No, not at all.


(Let me know which ones I missed. And yes, I know that Wood and Maibaum worked separately not together)

505

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

506

Re: Imaginary conversations

1974. (CTS recording studios.)

John Barry: … right, that’s the cue for Bond meeting Scaramanga done. What’s next?
Engineer: Let me see… oh yes, “Let’s Go Get ‘Em”, the car chase.
Barry: Ah right, I haven’t quite got that one finalised- there’s a bit in the middle I’ve left open, where Bond's car jumps a bridge.
Leader Of The Orchestra: What were you thinking to use there, John?
Barry: It’s a quick crescendo and diminuendo- perhaps piccolo?
Flautist: I’ve got my piccolo with me.
Barry: Well, let’s try it. Ready?
(The orchestra play through “Let’s Go Get ‘Em”, with a brief piccolo break in the middle.)
Leader: What do you think?
Barry: ...Na… not quite right. Let’s go the opposite direction- tuba!
Leader: Perhaps bassoon?
Barry: No, I’m saving that for Nick Nack. Tuba it is.
(They try again, with the tuba doing the little rising/falling part.)
Leader: I wasn’t sure about that.
Barry: Me neither.
Leader: So, you’re after some sort of sliding effect...?
Barry: Yes, with a whistling tone.
(They look at each other for a moment, then-)
Together: Slide whistle!!!
(They record the piece with slide whistle.)
Barry: I don’t know why I didn’t think of that earlier.
Leader: Yes, people will be talking about it for years to come.

507

Re: Imaginary conversations

Eon Production Office. 1981.


Cubby Broccoli: Ah, Richard. Do come in and sit down.
Richard Maibaum: Thanks.
Cubby Broccoli: So what ideas have you brought along for the next Bond film?
Richard Maibaum: Well, I was thinking we needed to go down a more serious route. Get back to the gritty realism of the early Connerys. We ought to do something in the style of From Russia With Love…
Cubby Broccoli: That sounds great. But whatever you come up with has to be fresh and exciting, understand? We can’t just copy an earlier film and hope nobody notices…
Richard Maibaum: (hastily) Ah, yes. Absolutely. I agree.
Cubby Broccoli: So what’s the story for “Bond 12”, then?
Richard Maibaum: Well, we start by reminding the audience of a Bond girl from a previous film, before Bond is called away for his mission…
Cubby Broccoli: OK…
Richard Maibaum: 007 is sent to recover a secret codebreaking device…
Cubby Broccoli: Go on…
Richard Maibaum: One of the villains, whose surname must start with the letter “K”, works for the KGB, and is often seen on a boat…
Cubby Broccoli: Yeah…
Richard Maibaum: Another villain is Blofeld…
Cubby Broccoli: *cough* Who??
Richard Maibaum: Don’t worry about it, Cubby…
Cubby Broccoli: OK, keep talking…
Richard Maibaum: There’s a flamboyant ally, of course, with his own band of henchmen, and an impressive moustache. We have Bond’s local MI6 contact on the ground, who dies. At the end the main Bond girl shoots dead the KGB villain, while Bond gets involved in a fight with a big blond henchman. This henchman’s also trained by the KGB, by the way…
Cubby Broccoli: Brilliant! That’s nothing like From Russia With Love at all, is it?
Richard Maibaum: Of course not, Cubby.
Cubby Broccoli: Good. I’ll call up John Glen and tell him to get here on Monday morning, alright?
Richard Maibaum: That’s fine by me.
Cubby Broccoli: Terrific work, Richard. Care for a drink?

508

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  We could do this all day!

(I liked Cubby coughing at the mention of Blofeld  ajb007/bond )

Anybody fancy pointing out how AVTAK in no way resembles GF?

509

Re: Imaginary conversations

We are living in a golden age of imaginary conversations, and I'm not only talking of the conversations in my head  ajb007/biggrin

510

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

511

Re: Imaginary conversations

1965. (Clock Tower, London. There is the sound of knocking, which continues as the attendant approaches the door.)

Attendant: Here’s a knocking indeed! If a man were porter of hell-gate, he should have old turning the key. (Knock.) Knock, knock, knock! Who’s there, i’ the name of Beelzebub?
(He opens the door.)
Man: Good evening, I’m from the Ministry.
Attendant: Oh yes?
Man: I believe you should have had a call telling you about this?
Attendant: Ah, yes, that I did. Come in, please.
(The man enters the tower.)
Man: Which way to the lift?
Attendant: Lift? (He laughs.) No lift here, Mr… what is your name, anyway?
Man: Macduff. No lift, you say?
Attendant: No, indeed. Stairs are over here.
(They begin to climb the stairs.)
Attendant: I don’t mind telling you that this is most irregular, sir, most irregular.
Macduff: As a matter of fact I agree with you, but the orders came from the very top.
Attendant: ...which is where we’re going! (Laughs at his own joke.)
Macduff: This is a long climb.
Attendant: 334 steps, Mr Macduff. They've been here just over a hundred years, a hundred and six if I recall.
Macduff: Indeed. My first time in the tower, though.
Attendant: Aye, not many come in here. This place is too cold.
Macduff: Is there much further to go?
Attendant: Not far now- ah, here we are.
(They emerge in a room full of levers, ropes and pulleys.)
Macduff: (Catching his breath back.) I think we’re here just in time, it’s about two minutes to six.
Attendant: Are you sure you want to do this? Last time it occurred was by mechanical failure during a violent electrical storm in 1898. Since then, always right.
Macduff: I’m afraid so. Which switch do you press?
Attendant: Nothing as modern as a switch. You just give me the nod, and I’ll pull this rope here.
(The chimes begin to sound, before Big Ben rings six times. Macduff gives the attendant the nod, and the rope is pulled for a seventh chime.)
Attendant: Makes me a little sad.
Macduff: I assure you, this was very important. And thank you.
Attendant: Anon, anon.

512

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another"

513

Re: Imaginary conversations

I had started writing a conversation between two waiters before I realised that what I was doing was rephrasing a classic sketch from Mitchell & Webb- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIfSQW499Xc - so I abandoned that idea!

514

Re: Imaginary conversations

Eon Production Office. 2022.


Barbara Broccoli: So, with No Time to Die having been such a huge success…
Michael G. Wilson: Yes, that all worked out alright in the end, didn’t it?
Barbara Broccoli: Thank goodness. So what’s the plan for Bond 26?
Michael G. Wilson: Well, we probably need to pick a title. Get that nailed down first and then move on to the cast and plot.
Barbara Broccoli: Good idea, what did you have in mind?
Michael G. Wilson: Well…erm…
Barbara Broccoli:…Hurry up!
Michael G. Wilson: How about this for Bond 26: Risico…
Barbara Broccoli: Sounds like the name of an Italian construction firm...
Michael G. Wilson: Or how about The Property of a Lady…
Barbara Broccoli:  Too wordy…
Michael G. Wilson: Or perhaps The Hildebrand Rarity?
Barbara Broccoli: That sounds more like a Sherlock Holmes story to me…
Michael G. Wilson: Hang about…there must be something else here…
He shuffles through his papers.
Michael G. Wilson: Or maybe…what’s this?…”untransmitted 1950s television pilot”? No, I didn’t think so.
Barbara Broccoli: I did tell you we’d run out of Fleming material someday…
Michael G. Wilson: Wait! Can’t we get the legal chaps to enquire about using “Thrilling Cities” or “The Diamond Smugglers”? There must be some sliver of Bond hidden away there…
Barbara Broccoli: (exasperatedly) How many times, Michael? There’s simply no Fleming left for us anymore. The well’s gone dry…
Michael G. Wilson: OK, I give up. 
There is a knock at the door.
Michael G. Wilson: Now who could that be?
Barbara Broccolli: Just because we’ve run out of Fleming, doesn’t mean we’ve run out of literary Bond to adapt altogether. There are other Bond authors, more than willing to help…
Michael G. Wilson: Yay! We’re saved!
Raymond Benson: Good morning, everyone. So, it’s now “Raymond Benson’s James Bond in Never Dream of Dying”, right?
Michael G. Wilson: Eeekk!

515

Re: Imaginary conversations

Eeekk! indeed lol

Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 49 years.

516

Re: Imaginary conversations

M’s office. 1974.


James Bond walks into the office. M is waiting with two other men.
M: Good morning, 007.
James Bond: Good morning, sir. Calthorpe, Chief of Staff.
Calthorpe: Good morning.
Chief of Staff: Good day, Bond.
M: What do you know about a man called Scaramanga, 007?
James Bond: Hmm… the man with the golden gun?
M: Precisely, 007. This morning we received this little trinket-
The door is flung open with a resounding crash.
Moneypenny: Now wait a minute! Someone tell me, since when do we have a Chief of Staff round here?
M: Since I put the position up last week in the classified jobs section of the Sunday Times, Miss Moneypenny.  The Chief of Staff here is in charge of general organisation, filing papers, that sort of thing.
Moneypenny: But we’ve got on for eight films now without a Chief of Staff… he’s just a glorified secretary, for heaven’s sake. What can he do that I can’t?
Chief of Staff: Well…erm…
M: My hands are tied in this matter, Moneypenny. Orders from on high to “expand and diversify our working structure”. The usual government nuisances interfering with the Service, poking their noses where they don’t belong. The PM’s ego getting in the way again…as if he can ever hope to look better smoking a pipe than I do!
Moneypenny: And what about you? Caltrop, or whatever your name is.
Calthorpe: The name is Calthorpe, madam. I’m an expert on arms and armaments…
Q strides into the room.
Q: Are you, really? I was under the impression that I looked after the gadgets round here!
M: (hurriedly) Yes, of course, obviously, I know that. I’m just making some minor adjustments to the personnel structure…
Moneypenny: I’m not having this! If you think you can replace us with bit-part actors from Fawlty Towers, then there’s only one answer. I’m going on strike!
Q: What a splendid idea.
Bond raises an eyebrow quizzically.
James Bond: Might I suggest that you make the best use of your newly acquired free time, Penny, by allowing me to take you to dinner?
Moneypenny: Oh, James, that would be wonderful.
Bond, Moneypenny, and Q walk out in protest.
M: Of all the infernal, blasted…
Chief of Staff: Something the matter, sir?
M: Nothing. Do you know anything about Scaramanga? Anything at all?
Chief of Staff: Not really.
Calthorpe: Beats me, sir.
M: You’re fired, both of you. Now get out.

517

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  Didn't expect that one!

518

Re: Imaginary conversations

1965. (Nassau.)

James: Hurry up, Felix, let’sh get that plane. We’ve got to find the bombsh.
Felix: (Wincing.) All right, James, just give me a minute.
James: Well, come on, we don’t have much time.
Felix: I’m still sore from when you punched me.
James: Ah yesh, look Felix, I’ve shaid I’m shorry-
Felix: I mean, did you have to punch me? Really hard, in the solar plexus?
James: Felix-
Felix: Anyone else would have put their finger to their lips.
James: Yesh, but-
Felix: Or maybe put their hand over my mouth.
James: I know-
Felix: But not our James, oh no, that isn’t good enough for him! He has to punch his best friend straight in the stomach-
James: But Felix-
Felix: I mean, you could have just said “Sshh”.
Jamesh: Shaid sshh? Are you shtriving to be humouroush?
Felix: Of course not.
James: Because if you are-
Felix: You know me better than that. Anyway, if you were trying to stop me saying “Double O Seven”, why did you say it yourself 30 seconds later?
James: I did?
Felix: Yes, once you’d given the little fish a shower.
James: Oh, that. I thought he wouldn’t be lishtening.
Felix: Feeble, James, feeble.

519

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

520

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  These are all exceedingly humoroush  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

521

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol ajb007/lol

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another"

522

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

523

Re: Imaginary conversations

2017. (Press Conference, “Logan Lucky”.)
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Daniel Craig.
Daniel: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Daniel: Well, I’m here to talk about “Logan-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Daniel: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Daniel: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.

1999. (Press Conference, “The Thomas Crown Affair”.)
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Pierce Brosnan.
Pierce: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Pierce: Well, I’m here to talk about “The Thomas Crown-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Pierce: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Pierce: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.

1990. (Press Conference, “The Hunt For Red October”.)
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Sean Connery.
Sean: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Sean: Well, I’m here to talk about “The Hunt For-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Sean: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Sean: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.

1976. (Press Conference, “Shout At The Devil”.)
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Roger Moore.
Roger: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Sean: Well, I’m here to talk about “Shout At The-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Roger: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Roger: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.




1971. (Press Conference, “Universal Soldier”.)

Lazenby: Where are all the reporters?
Producer: I warned you it would be like this.
Lazenby: I know, I know.

524

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

You skipped Timothy Dalton's press conference for The Rocketeer or Scarlett.

Producer: I can't believe it. Not a single Bond question. It's like they forgot you were Bond.
Dalton: I know, I know.

525

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  Feel free to copy mine + include that.