601

Re: Imaginary conversations

Haha! A brilliant reprise of Tiddles and Snowy, on the back of Ben Whishaw's line about his two cats and his mortgage. Maybe Q should switch to coffee here and make do with the La Pavoni Europiccola coffee machine which Bond had in his apartment way back in 1973. Or maybe we don't really go in for that sort of thing anymore.  ajb007/smile

Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 49 years.

602

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  Thank you, Shady.

603

Re: Imaginary conversations

2020. The Pearly Gates.

A very old man with a flowing beard sits at an imposing desk, writing in an ancient ledger. A younger man, also with a beard, is sitting on a comfy-looking cloud, chatting to his older companion.

Younger man: 2020, what a year. And now this.

The old man pauses his writing and puts down his pen. He looks at his companion, and they both turn to see a handsome young man approaching, tall and dark, and like a shark - but, this time, not looking for trouble. Both men pause expectantly, in awe at the aura of light around this new arrival. He ambles up, one hand in the pocket of his immaculately-tailored suit, the other swinging to an almost military beat. The older man gets up from his grand desk and holds out his hand in greeting. As the new arrival approaches, the old man opens his mouth to utter a welcome, but stops before he can speak.

The new arrival: No, don't tell me - Saint Peter?

ajb007/martini

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

604

Re: Imaginary conversations

Charmed & Dangerous wrote:

2020. The Pearly Gates.

A very old man with a flowing beard sits at an imposing desk, writing in an ancient ledger. A younger man, also with a beard, is sitting on a comfy-looking cloud, chatting to his older companion.

Younger man: 2020, what a year. And now this.

The old man pauses his writing and puts down his pen. He looks at his companion, and they both turn to see a handsome young man approaching, tall and dark, and like a shark - but, this time, not looking for trouble. Both men pause expectantly, in awe at the aura of light around this new arrival. He ambles up, one hand in the pocket of his immaculately-tailored suit, the other swinging to an almost military beat. The older man gets up from his grand desk and holds out his hand in greeting. As the new arrival approaches, the old man opens his mouth to utter a welcome, but stops before he can speak.

The new arrival: No, don't tell me - Saint Peter?

ajb007/martini

Poignant and fitting  ajb007/martini

YNWA 96

The Unbearables

605

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/bond   Perfect.

606

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/bond

Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 49 years.

607

Re: Imaginary conversations

I imagine a certain Saint stood there waiting for him.

https://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/007/215/c2d.gif

608

Re: Imaginary conversations

1962.
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Breezily.) Ah, I think you guysh have got hold of the wrong end of the shtick. The  character’sh name ish Bond, my name ish Connery.

1963.
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (A bit less breezily.) You keep getting it wrong. My name is Connery, C-O-double N-E-R-Y, got it?

1964.
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Takes a deep breath.) I am not Jamesh Bond, I am the actor who playsh Jamesh Bond. Now if you don’t get my name right I will not anshwer any queshtionsh.

1965:
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Mentally hits reporter with a perfect right hook, sending him crashing through the window and taking two others with him for good measure.) Lishten you-
Cubby: Easy there, Sean.

1967:
Reporter: Bond-san! Bond-san!
Sean: Oh for fuc-
Cubby: Listen, guys, will you let him get off the plane first, please?

1969:
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
George: (Looking around nervously.) What? Nobody told me Sean Connery was going to be here!

1971: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Sighs deeply.) Oh, I’d forgotten about all thish.

1973:
Reporter: Mr Connery! Mr Connery!
Roger: But of course I am, dear sir, what can I do for you?

609

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another"

610

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

1983:
Small-Fawcett (shouting across the harbour): Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean (under his breath): Never again...

Last edited by Shady Tree (2nd Nov 2020 19:10)

Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 49 years.

611

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/biggrin  ajb007/biggrin  ajb007/biggrin

612

Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel wrote:

1962.
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Breezily.) Ah, I think you guysh have got hold of the wrong end of the shtick. The  character’sh name ish Bond, my name ish Connery.

...

1973.
Reporter: Mr Connery! Mr Connery!
Roger: But of course I am, dear sir, what can I do for you?

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

613

Re: Imaginary conversations

Now pay attention, class. Some of you were given homework to do recently-

("Oh no we weren't!")

Oh yes you were, and it's getting near marking time. One pupil has already handed their work in, and very good it was too, so I'd like to ask the rest to get to work. Any problems, see me behind the PM shed.

614

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/crap  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

615

Re: Imaginary conversations

From Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous and myself-


1977. (The Royal Premiere of “The Spy Who Loved Me”.)

(In the Royal limousine.)
The Duke: Good Lord, Liz, have we got to go to every one of these bloody James Bond films?
The Queen: That we do, Philip. They bring in much foreign money and we must be seen to support that.
The Duke: I wouldn't be surprised if they asked you to put on a bloody parachute yourself for one of these things.
The Queen: Now, don't be silly Philip.
The Duke: Oh well, I suppose you’re right. Anyway, I did enjoy the last one. In Thailand, wasn’t it?
The Queen: Well, partly.
The Duke: I’m surprised that Bond didn’t come across some of those ladyboys- you now, they look like women but really they've got .....
The Queen: Balls, Philip. Look, we're passing the Ritz. Remember those wonderful nights of dancing?
The Duke: More than that, they've still got their....
The Queen: Willi ,um, Willi Bogner, I wonder if he did the skiing? I'll look at the brochure.   
The Duke: Edward must have read that, I heard him talking about some Willi action earlier.
The Queen: Yes, one is aware.
The Duke: Now don’t go fawning all over that Roger Moore chap, I know how you like him.
The Queen: One would never do such a thing. Now, remember to be nice to everyone, and that reminds me- Edward wants to work in the theatre, perhaps a kind word might help, so be nice!
The Duke: Me? When am I ever anything but nice?.... especially to these weak wristed effeminate movie types!


(At the theatre.)
Cubby: Right, here they come now. Positions, everyone!
(The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine.)
The Queen: Good evening. How nice to see you again, Mr Cabbage.
Cubby: ...er.. yes. May I introduce you to our James Bond, Mr Roger Moore?
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Mr Moore. (Blushing slightly.)
Roger: (Bowing gracefully.) Always a pleasure, ma’am.
The Queen: I've brought some cream buns from the Palace. May I give you one?
Roger: (Raising an eyebrow.) Really your majesty, the Duke is just here.
The Queen: Oh Roger, here have this one.
Roger: Why ma'am, you've given me the horn.
The Queen: Oh Roger, you are awful.  (Lightly slaps his shoulder.)
Roger: I'm impressed- and I haven't said that since the last Bond film in Thailand, when Cubby took me to a club where a Thai lady was doing something impressive with ping pong balls.
The Queen; Philip, come and talk to Mr Moore.
(The Duke is laughing with Cubby, who's showing him a couple of ping pong balls which he quickly puts back in to his jacket pocket.)
The Duke: Darling, for next years Royal Tour, could we do Thailand? I've been talking with Mr Cauliflower and apparently there are several impressive sights to be seen?
The Queen: So I've been told!
The Duke: You’ve done a few of these by now, eh, Moore?
Roger: Why, yes, sir.
The Queen: I think a knighthood might be in order for you soon.
Roger: (Stunned.) Ah, if you say so, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Don’t hold your breath. Another twenty years, I’d say.

Cubby: Next is our beautiful leading lady, Miss Barbara Bach.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Bach. Are you of German extraction?
Barbara: No, Your Majesty, it's a stage name. My young personal trainer Arnold was going to use it- I remember him saying "I'll be Bach"- but he let me have it.
The Duke: You don’t look Japanese. How is John doing these days?
Barbara: Er?
The Duke: I thought John married some Oriental bint?
The Queen: PHILIP!!!!
The Duke: Sorry, some ASIAN bint?
The Queen: (Louder.) PHILIP!!!!!
The Duke: Sorry, some empowered modern bint... That's bound to be politically correct, isn't it?
Barbara: Er, I’m with Ringo Starr, Your Highness, not John Lennon.
The Duke: Oh, I should have known better.
The Queen: Let it be, Philip.
(I can go on all day with Beatle puns- Barbel.)

Cubby: One of our villains, Mr Richard Kiel.
The Queen: (Staring at Richard’s belt buckle.) Ah, good evening Mr Kiel.
Richard: (Looking down.) Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: (Looking at Richard’s tie.) Good God, you’re fuc-
The Queen: Philip!
The Duke: Er, you’re bloody huge! And who do you play?
Richard: I play Jaws.
The Duke: DER-dum…. DER-dum….. dum-dum-dum-dum-DER-dum-dum-dum…
The Queen: Not that Jaws, Philip. (Pauses.) Do you have a big part?
Philip: Liz!
The Queen: (Flustered.) I mean, a large speaking part?
Richard: No ma’am – no lines at all…
The Queen: (Under her breath.) I wish Philip was like that.
Richard: ….but I look menacing and smash up a few cars.
The Queen: (Under her breath.) I wish Philip wasn’t like that…

Cubby: Singing the title song is Miss Carly Simon.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Simon.
Carly: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Ah, you’re the one who wrote that song about Mick Jagger, aren’t you?
Carly: No, that isn’t right.
The Duke: Warren Beatty then?
Carly: I won’t be discussing that, sir.

Cubby: This is Willi Bogner, in charge of the skiing.
The Queen: Ach, guten Abend, Herr Bogner.
Willi: Guten Abend, Ihre Majestät.
The Duke: I wish you wouldn't speak German every chance you get.
The Queen: The Duke and I were just talking about you on the way here, is that not so Philip?
The Duke: Well, you may have been- I had something else in mind.

Cubby: Shall we go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.

616

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

617

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  not for my parts but for the parts of others  ajb007/wink

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another"

618

Re: Imaginary conversations

What TP said.