Imaginary conversations (Page 29 of 32)

      probably closer to the truth than we’d like to think...

Thank you guys 

2015. Q’s lab.

(Q is working at his desk.)
Q: Dum-de-dum…
(He carefully inserts an explosive charge into a fountain pen.)
Q: There, that’s that ready now.
(The door opens and 009 walks in.)
Q: Oh crap…
009: Morning, Q.
Q: Ah, er, morning 009.
009: Is my car ready?
Q: Car, you say?
009: Yes, the new Aston Martin. You said it would be ready today.
Q: Ready? Today?
009: Yes. Where is it?
Q: Er… perhaps you’d like some champagne?
009: Champagne?
Q: It’s Bollinger.
009: Bollinger… has 007 been here?
Q: Well, if you put it that way…
009: Are you trying to tell me you gave my beautiful new Aston Martin to 007?
Q: Well, I wouldn’t say “gave”, exactly…
009: Bloody 007! You promised me that car!
Q: But-
009: It’s always the same! He always gets every new thing! All the bright and shiny gadgets, all the cool cars!
Q: Yes, well-
009: Oh, I’ve had enough. I’m off to see Rowan Atkinson, maybe I can get better conditions under Johnny English!

"Go to bed, Thunderpussy. It's nearly 2.30am, it's way too late."
"Oh, alright then."

True. I've been consulting my balls all morning ..... Crystal ones obviously 

Thank you! 

Thank you, Shady.

And of course, a Happy New Year to all!

Barbel and TP, more please!!!!!!     

Thanks, guys, much appreciated for my part and I'm sure TP will say the same.

Plans for more in the pipeline....

A bonus, cos it's New Year-

1969. (Gatehouse, Pinewood Studios. A gaudy convertible car draws up, driven by a dark-haired young man with two flashily dressed young ladies in the back seat. The security guard approaches the car.)

Driver: G’day, mate.
Guard: Hello, sir. May I help you?
Driver: Sure thing, you could show me the way to where the James Bond film is being made.
Guard: The James Bond film? I shall have to see your security pass, sir.
Driver: Strewth, my security pass?
Guard: That’s right, sir, all visitors must show a security pass.
Driver: Visitors? I ain’t no visitor cobber, I’m James Bond!
Guard: You’re James Bond?
Driver: I sure am.
Guard: Look, young man, I’ve been on the gates here for many years. I know what James Bond looks like and I know what he shounds like, and you’re not him.
Driver: Just you lift that phone and call Peter Hunt and he will tell you who I am!
Guard: Peter Hunt? (Impressed that the driver knows the name.) All right, I will do just that- now you wait here.
(The guard goes to the phone in his box and dials.)
Peter Hunt: (On phone.) Yes, hello?
Guard: Ah, hello Mr Hunt, this is Jack at the gate.
Peter: Yes Jack, what can I do for you?
Guard: I have a fellow here claiming to be James Bond, and he is insisting I call you for authorisation.
Peter: What sort of chap is he?
Guard: He appears to be an Australian gentleman, sir. Most uncouth and insistent.
(Peter’s shudder can be felt down the phone line.)
Peter: Yes, that’ll be him. Just let him in, Jack.
Guard: Are you sure, sir?
Peter: I’m afraid so.
Guard: And the two young ladies with him?
Peter: (Sighs.) Yes, them too.
Guard: Certainly, sir.
(He hangs up and gestures at the driver.)
Guard: Okay, you can go ahead.
Driver: Told you so!
(The car drives off. A voice can faintly be heard as it disappears….)

1954. (Goldeneye, Jamaica. Ian Fleming is enjoying his lunch.)

Housekeeper: Mr Fleming, phone call for you.
Ian: (Putting down his vodka martini.) Thank you. (Walks to phone.) Hello?
Ivar: (On phone.) Ian, hello, it’s Ivar.
Ian: Ivar, old boy! How are you?
Ivar: Oh fine, fine. Listen, you told me to call you when they screened that TV adaptation of “Casino Royale”, remember?
Ian: Oh yes, you’re quite right. You’ve seen it?
Ivar: Yes, I watched it last night.
Ian: And how was it?
(Long pause.)
Ian: Ivar? Are you still there?
Ivar: Yes, I’m here.
Ian: So, I asked how was it.
Ivar: Well… Peter Lorre was pretty good as Le Chiffre.
Ian: I would expect no less, Peter Lorre is good in everything. And?
Ivar: Well…  the casino set wasn’t too bad.
Ian: Ivar, you need to tell me more than that! How was the actor playing Bond? How did he sound saying “Bond. James Bond” for example?
Ivar: I wouldn’t know, he doesn’t say that.
Ian: Come again?
Ivar: He doesn’t say that, mainly because he’s not called that.
Ian: I’m sorry, this must be a bad line. I thought you just said he’s not called James Bond.
Ivar: That’s what I said. He’s called Jimmy Bond, or to be more exact “Card Sense Jimmy Bond”.
(Strange choking sounds are heard on the line.)
Ivar: Ian? Are you all right?
Ian: (Incredulously.) Jimmy Bond? Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: That’s it. Oh, he is called “James” once, I think.
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Yes, that’s what they-
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Calm down, Ian, calm down.
Ian: (Taking deep breaths.) All right, I’ve calmed down a bit.
Ivar: The actor’s called Barry Nelson, and he’s not too bad. Well, American of course, and-
Ian: They made James Bond an American?
Ivar: Well, actually they made Card Sense Jimmy Bond an American, but I see your point.
Ian: (Sarcastically.) And I bet they made Felix Leiter British, then?
Ivar: Why, yes, how did you guess?
Ian: Call it a wild stab in the dark.
Ivar: And of course they call him Clarence Leiter-
Ian: Cla-
Ivar: Ian, stop right now, think of your blood pressure. Take a few deep breaths…. Ok? Take a sip of your Vesper martini, I know you’ve got one to hand.
Ian: Oh, tell me they have him order a Vesper? Please tell me that’s there!
Ivar: Well, no. Mainly, I suppose, because she’s not called “Vesper”.
Ian: I’m beginning to see the way this is heading. I wonder why they bought the rights to my book at all when they’re changing so much it would have been easier to do an original story in the first place. All right, hit me- what’s she called?
Ivar: Valerie.
Ian: That’s not too bad, at least it begins with the same letter. Ok, I can take whatever else they’ve done, I suppose. Tell me about Mathis, is he any good?
Ivar: Oh, she’s Mathis.
Ian: What?????
Ivar: She’s Mathis- Valerie Mathis.
(Those strange sounds are heard down the line again.)
Ivar: Ian, are you all right?
Ian: Every time I think… oh, never mind.
Ivar: They had to change the torture scene, of course.
Ian: Well, that I can understand. I don’t see them being able to show the TV audience Bond having his balls smashed with a carpet beater. What do they do, then?
Ivar: They pull his toenails out with pliers.
Ian: I can live with that. Anything else?
Ivar: I’m sure there’s more, but I think I’ve told you enough for the moment.
Ian: (Sighs.) Well, there’s one consolation- I know this is the worst possible adaptation of my book “Casino Royale” there could ever be.