701

Re: Imaginary conversations

(With apologies to Ryan George.)


1962. United Artists HQ.

Executive: So, you have a film for me?
Harry: Yes, sir, we do.
Cubby: It’s a spy thriller.
Executive: Spy thrillers are tight!
Harry: It’s based on a book by Ian Fleming, the books have been very successful and we think a film or even a series of films might be even more successful.
Cubby: It’s about this sophisticated upper-class English secret agent.
Executive: Hmm, sounds like David Niven or Cary Grant would be ideal.
Harry: Yes, so we've hired a Scottish truck driver.
Executive: Say what?
Cubby: Oh, he’s done some acting too and he once was a runner-up for Mr Universe.
Executive: Ah…
Harry: He has a thick Scottish accent and talksh like thish.
Cubby: And he’s going bald really fast.
Executive: Guys, are you sure this’ll work?
Harry: Oh, it’ll be super easy.
Cubby: Barely an inconvenience.
Executive: I don’t know…
Cubby: We can do it on a bargain budget.
Harry: Maybe one million dollars.
Executive: (Resists urge to put pinky in mouth.) One million dollars?
Harry: Yes, sir, cheap at twice the price. We think this will make a massive profit and we’ll go on to make plenty more of them.
Executive: Fellas, I really don’t see this working.
Cubby: Harry, did you bring the picture?
Harry: Oh yes. (Produces picture.) And this is our female lead, Miss Ursula Andress.
Executive: (Examines picture.) Ah….
Cubby: She’ll be wearing a white bikini for a lot of the movie.
Executive: … so, when can you start shooting?

702

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  probably closer to the truth than we’d like to think...

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

703

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol Excellent stuff, a lot of thought going into that, C&D

Barbel: I had to google, Ryan George, as I have never heard of him, and I’m still none the wiser  ajb007/lol but excellent work as usual!

Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

704

Re: Imaginary conversations

Thank you guys  ajb007/cheers


2015. Q’s lab.

(Q is working at his desk.)
Q: Dum-de-dum…
(He carefully inserts an explosive charge into a fountain pen.)
Q: There, that’s that ready now.
(The door opens and 009 walks in.)
Q: Oh crap…
009: Morning, Q.
Q: Ah, er, morning 009.
009: Is my car ready?
Q: Car, you say?
009: Yes, the new Aston Martin. You said it would be ready today.
Q: Ready? Today?
009: Yes. Where is it?
Q: Er… perhaps you’d like some champagne?
009: Champagne?
Q: It’s Bollinger.
009: Bollinger… has 007 been here?
Q: Well, if you put it that way…
009: Are you trying to tell me you gave my beautiful new Aston Martin to 007?
Q: Well, I wouldn’t say “gave”, exactly…
009: Bloody 007! You promised me that car!
Q: But-
009: It’s always the same! He always gets every new thing! All the bright and shiny gadgets, all the cool cars!
Q: Yes, well-
009: Oh, I’ve had enough. I’m off to see Rowan Atkinson, maybe I can get better conditions under Johnny English!

705

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol Q needs to find a better place to keep the car keys...

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

706

Re: Imaginary conversations

"Go to bed, Thunderpussy. It's nearly 2.30am, it's way too late."
"Oh, alright then."

"This is where we leave you Mr Bond."

Roger Moore 1927-2017

707

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol



1971. Eon HQ, hidden behind a false wall in a hotel in Tangier.

Cubby: Well, I suppose we better tell him, then.
Harry: Yes, I suppose so. Do you want to do it or shall I?
Cubby: We’ll do it together, that’s best.
Harry: Yes, you’re right. (Presses button on intercom.) Send Mr Gavin in, please.
(The door opens and John Gavin enters.)
Gavin: Good morning, Mr Broccoli, Mr Saltzman.
Harry: Hi, John, take a seat.
Gavin: I don’t mind telling you both that I’m so excited, and I’m looking forward to this so much.
Cubby: John…
Gavin: The script is so funny! I love the line about “Acme Pollution lnspection, we’re cleaning up the world”.
Harry: John-
Gavin: And the whole bit in the casino with Plenty O’Toole being named after her father, perhaps.
Cubby: Look, John-
Gavin: And of course I’m looking forward to driving a moon buggy, too! That sounds really exciting!
Harry: Listen, John, we have news for you. Sean Connery has agreed to come back for this movie.
Gavin: But you said-
Cubby: Yes, you’re right, we did say that, but it’s final. Sean will be coming back. Now, we’ll still pay you all the money we promised-
Gavin: (Not taking it in.) And I’ve never been to Las Vegas.
Harry: Yes, John, we’re-
Gavin: And I’d always rather fancied a trip to South Africa.
Cubby: You’re going to Holland… er, I mean, you were going to Holland. Look, John, here’s the money we said we would pay you. It’s yours. And of course, our thanks.
Harry: If there’s every anything we could do for you…?
Gavin: Well, there is one thing.
Cubby: Of course, name it.
Gavin: Have you got Kevin McClory’s phone number? Maybe he would pay me not to be James Bond as well.

708

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

709

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/cheers  You know what's coming next, TP.   ajb007/smile

710

Re: Imaginary conversations

True. I've been consulting my balls all morning ..... Crystal ones obviously  ajb007/takecover

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

711

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  Brilliant ending, Barbel!

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

712

Re: Imaginary conversations

Thank you!  ajb007/smile

713

Re: Imaginary conversations

That John Gavin one is great!  ajb007/martini  ajb007/martini  ajb007/martini 

The callback to 1971 has reminded me to update my signature for 2021...

Happy New Year, all!

Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.

714

Re: Imaginary conversations

Thank you, Shady.

And of course, a Happy New Year to all!

715

Re: Imaginary conversations

Thunderpussy and I wrote this sketch which is set on Corsica, I believe.

1977. (Actually sir, it is in Sardinia.)

Stromberg: So, Naomi, I want you to take the helicopter and hide below the road, ready to appear out of nowhere and shoot at Bond in his white Lotus.
Naomi: But Mr Stromberg, you have a motorcycle with a bomb hidden in the sidecar which will destroy him. You were very proud of that. I remember you calling all the team in to show off the plans.
Stromberg: True, but he may survive that. Mario hasn't had his motorcycle license very long. Hence the sidecar, as he hasn't had the stabilisers off very long.
Naomi: And then you have Jaws and some men in a car, all armed with sub-machine guns.
Stromberg: He may survive that, too, as Arnold is driving, and have you seen him try to parallel park?
Naomi: So… IF he survives the motorcycle with explosive sidecar, and then IF he survives Jaws and his men, all heavily armed, you want me to be hiding in the helicopter by the side of the road ready to shoot at him?
Stromberg: Yes, Naomi.
Naomi: Any suggestions of where to hide?
Stromberg: Behind a road sign? Something like “British Airways” or “Welcome to Louisiana”.
Naomi: And IF he survives that, you have security underwater just in case, oh I don’t know, his car can turn into a submarine?
Stromberg: Yes, Naomi. What’s not to understand?
Naomi: Oooookay…..
Stromberg: Now hand me up that 50kg bag of food, I have to feed the fish, and in that scoop I noticed one of my Pterois Volitans floating on its back. so I'll have to flush that later, and Naomi- I want that helicopter back in pristine condition. I've already lost one this week. I don't want to lose my No Claims Bonus.

716

Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel and TP, more please!!!!!!  ajb007/smile  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

717

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  Tremendous start to the imaginary conversations in 2021!  ajb007/cheers

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

718

Re: Imaginary conversations

Thanks, guys, much appreciated for my part and I'm sure TP will say the same.

Plans for more in the pipeline....

719

Re: Imaginary conversations

No, this year I've decided to be a real diva and Bar steward  ajb007/biggrin

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

720

Re: Imaginary conversations

A bonus, cos it's New Year-



1969. (Gatehouse, Pinewood Studios. A gaudy convertible car draws up, driven by a dark-haired young man with two flashily dressed young ladies in the back seat. The security guard approaches the car.)

Driver: G’day, mate.
Guard: Hello, sir. May I help you?
Driver: Sure thing, you could show me the way to where the James Bond film is being made.
Guard: The James Bond film? I shall have to see your security pass, sir.
Driver: Strewth, my security pass?
Guard: That’s right, sir, all visitors must show a security pass.
Driver: Visitors? I ain’t no visitor cobber, I’m James Bond!
Guard: You’re James Bond?
Driver: I sure am.
Guard: Look, young man, I’ve been on the gates here for many years. I know what James Bond looks like and I know what he shounds like, and you’re not him.
Driver: Just you lift that phone and call Peter Hunt and he will tell you who I am!
Guard: Peter Hunt? (Impressed that the driver knows the name.) All right, I will do just that- now you wait here.
(The guard goes to the phone in his box and dials.)
Peter Hunt: (On phone.) Yes, hello?
Guard: Ah, hello Mr Hunt, this is Jack at the gate.
Peter: Yes Jack, what can I do for you?
Guard: I have a fellow here claiming to be James Bond, and he is insisting I call you for authorisation.
Peter: What sort of chap is he?
Guard: He appears to be an Australian gentleman, sir. Most uncouth and insistent.
(Peter’s shudder can be felt down the phone line.)
Peter: Yes, that’ll be him. Just let him in, Jack.
Guard: Are you sure, sir?
Peter: I’m afraid so.
Guard: And the two young ladies with him?
Peter: (Sighs.) Yes, them too.
Guard: Certainly, sir.
(He hangs up and gestures at the driver.)
Guard: Okay, you can go ahead.
Driver: Told you so!
(The car drives off. A voice can faintly be heard as it disappears….)

Spoiler Driver: This never happened to the other fella….

721

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/martini

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

722

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

723

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

724

Re: Imaginary conversations

1954. (Goldeneye, Jamaica. Ian Fleming is enjoying his lunch.)

Housekeeper: Mr Fleming, phone call for you.
Ian: (Putting down his vodka martini.) Thank you. (Walks to phone.) Hello?
Ivar: (On phone.) Ian, hello, it’s Ivar.
Ian: Ivar, old boy! How are you?
Ivar: Oh fine, fine. Listen, you told me to call you when they screened that TV adaptation of “Casino Royale”, remember?
Ian: Oh yes, you’re quite right. You’ve seen it?
Ivar: Yes, I watched it last night.
Ian: And how was it?
(Long pause.)
Ian: Ivar? Are you still there?
Ivar: Yes, I’m here.
Ian: So, I asked how was it.
Ivar: Well… Peter Lorre was pretty good as Le Chiffre.
Ian: I would expect no less, Peter Lorre is good in everything. And?
Ivar: Well…  the casino set wasn’t too bad.
Ian: Ivar, you need to tell me more than that! How was the actor playing Bond? How did he sound saying “Bond. James Bond” for example?
Ivar: I wouldn’t know, he doesn’t say that.
Ian: Come again?
Ivar: He doesn’t say that, mainly because he’s not called that.
Ian: I’m sorry, this must be a bad line. I thought you just said he’s not called James Bond.
Ivar: That’s what I said. He’s called Jimmy Bond, or to be more exact “Card Sense Jimmy Bond”.
(Strange choking sounds are heard on the line.)
Ivar: Ian? Are you all right?
Ian: (Incredulously.) Jimmy Bond? Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: That’s it. Oh, he is called “James” once, I think.
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Yes, that’s what they-
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Calm down, Ian, calm down.
Ian: (Taking deep breaths.) All right, I’ve calmed down a bit.
Ivar: The actor’s called Barry Nelson, and he’s not too bad. Well, American of course, and-
Ian: They made James Bond an American?
Ivar: Well, actually they made Card Sense Jimmy Bond an American, but I see your point.
Ian: (Sarcastically.) And I bet they made Felix Leiter British, then?
Ivar: Why, yes, how did you guess?
Ian: Call it a wild stab in the dark.
Ivar: And of course they call him Clarence Leiter-
Ian: Cla-
Ivar: Ian, stop right now, think of your blood pressure. Take a few deep breaths…. Ok? Take a sip of your Vesper martini, I know you’ve got one to hand.
Ian: Oh, tell me they have him order a Vesper? Please tell me that’s there!
Ivar: Well, no. Mainly, I suppose, because she’s not called “Vesper”.
Ian: I’m beginning to see the way this is heading. I wonder why they bought the rights to my book at all when they’re changing so much it would have been easier to do an original story in the first place. All right, hit me- what’s she called?
Ivar: Valerie.
Ian: That’s not too bad, at least it begins with the same letter. Ok, I can take whatever else they’ve done, I suppose. Tell me about Mathis, is he any good?
Ivar: Oh, she’s Mathis.
Ian: What?????
Ivar: She’s Mathis- Valerie Mathis.
(Those strange sounds are heard down the line again.)
Ivar: Ian, are you all right?
Ian: Every time I think… oh, never mind.
Ivar: They had to change the torture scene, of course.
Ian: Well, that I can understand. I don’t see them being able to show the TV audience Bond having his balls smashed with a carpet beater. What do they do, then?
Ivar: They pull his toenails out with pliers.
Ian: I can live with that. Anything else?
Ivar: I’m sure there’s more, but I think I’ve told you enough for the moment.
Ian: (Sighs.) Well, there’s one consolation- I know this is the worst possible adaptation of my book “Casino Royale” there could ever be.

https://i.postimg.cc/QKh6QVmX/cr67-pre-credits.jpg

725

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol   t,t true

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."