176

Re: Imaginary conversations

But of course.

177

Re: Imaginary conversations

caractacus potts wrote:
Barbel wrote:

And if I'm not mistaken, your name was singular in the original.

The name had to be changed because of the increased demand for Pott between 1964 and 1968.

Interesting...  ajb007/cool


These posts all continue to hit the mark. I gotta love the Vargas one!

Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 49 years.

178

Re: Imaginary conversations

Thank you, Shady.

179

Re: Imaginary conversations

1987. (Tangier. General Pushkin removes sachets of fake blood.)

Rubavitch: But, Leonid, you’re, you’re not-
Pushkin: I’m fine, my darling, it’s all part of a grand-
Rubavitch: You BASTARD!!! (Slaps Pushkin so hard his head rocks.) You made me think you were dead!
Pushkin: Yes, I know, I’m sorry-
Rubavitch: Sorry? (Kicks him on the shin.) I’ll show you what sorry is!
Pushkin: (Hopping on one leg.) But my love I can explain-
Rubavitch: Explain??? (Kicks him on the other shin.) You had better explain, Leonid Pushkin,  and fast!
Pushkin: (Rolling about on the floor.) You see, it’s because Georgi Koskov-
Rubavitch: Koskov? Don’t talk to me about Georgi Koskov! All his fault, is it? That’s so like you, always blaming someone else.
Pushkin: (Getting back to his feet.) No, really, Georgi and James Bond-
Rubavitch: James Bond??? (Slaps him to the floor again.) The one that was in my room last night? The one that ripped my clothes off while you did nothing about it?
Pushkin: (Deciding it’s safer on the floor.) Now, my love, I think you’re being just a little unfair there- he did have a gun pointed at me after all.
Rubavitch: Ha! I’d be surprised if he could shoot straight, with all those tears in his eyes like he was weeping!

180

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

181

Re: Imaginary conversations

Ha!  ajb007/biggrin  ajb007/biggrin

President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

-------Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!------

182

Re: Imaginary conversations

1957. (Jonathan Cape, Publishers.)

Publisher: Ah, good morning Ian, thanks for coming in again.
Fleming: But of course, old chap.
Publisher: I suppose you'd like a drink?
Fleming: I'd like a cup of tea please.
Publisher: A cup of - are you feeling alright?
Fleming: Just kidding. Three measures of Gordon's, one of-
Publisher: Very droll, Ian. Umm, I'd like to have a chat with you about this new manuscript of yours - the sixth I believe.
Fleming: Ah, No.
Publisher: No? Is it the seventh? Have I missed one?
Fleming: No, it's No. Dr No.
Publisher: Ah, I see. You've abandoned your previous titles then - The Wound Man? And what about Commander Jamaica?
Fleming: The first sounds like my trip to Chelsea Royal Infirmary that time Ann threw a dinner plate at me. And the second sounds like the bottle of rum I drank beforehand.
Publisher: Ah. And this one has a little bit more wildlife than usual: roseate spoonbills, centipedes, crabs, spiders and even a giant squid.
Fleming: Well my office is opposite Goldman Sachs.
Publisher: And the dragon?
Fleming: My nickname for Ann when I got home from the infirmary.
Publisher: Hmm. I like Bond's ally on this mission, Quarrel. Where did you get his name from?
Fleming: The conversation I had with Ann when I got home and called her by her new nickname. Just before she stormed out.
Publisher: Jamaica?
Fleming: No, she went of her own accord. Now how about a quick one at El Vino's before we lunch at Rules?

(apologies for that last gag).  ajb007/biggrin

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

183

Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel wrote:

1987. (Tangier. General Pushkin removes sachets of fake blood.)

Rubavitch: Ha! I’d be surprised if he could shoot straight, with all those tears in his eyes like he was weeping!

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

184

Re: Imaginary conversations

Higgins wrote:

Ha!  ajb007/biggrin  ajb007/biggrin

Vienna, Prater Cafe, 1987.

Bond: Forsooth, wherefore art Lord Whitaker now?
Saunders: Eh?
Glen: Cut! Tim - less Bard, more Bond please. Places!
Bond: Hmph. (Pause) Where's Whitaker now?
Saunders: At his place in Tangier.
Bond: Well done.
Saunders: Good luck.
Bond: Ah, Saunders?
Saunders: Mm?
Bond: Thanks.
Door: Bang!
Balloon : Pop!
Bond: My bah.. my bah... my balloo...hhh fff..hhh fffff.... sniff....
Glen: Cut!

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

185

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol



Charmed & Dangerous wrote:

Fleming: .... Just before she stormed out.
Publisher: Jamaica?
Fleming: No, she went of her own accord.

(apologies for that last gag).  ajb007/biggrin

Apologies not accepted!  ajb007/biggrin  Not for that joke!

186

Re: Imaginary conversations

1987. Harrods Food Hall.

Manager: Oh for Heavens sake it’s that Bond fellow again, quickly, out of here, leave him to the new assistant!
Humphries: Are you being served, sir?
Bond: Farquhar?
Humphries: Well, there’s no need for that! It’s my first day here after leaving Grace Brothers.
Bond: No, where’s Farquhar, the manager?
Humphries: He was here a moment ago, anyway how can I help you?
Bond: I’ve come to pick up a hamper for the Ministry. Can I see the list?
Humphries: Ah yes, here it is, sir.
Bond: Foie Gras, acceptable. Change the caviar to Royal Beluga.
Humphries: Certainly, how am I doing, sir?
Bond: Questionable
Humphries: My mother always says that to me
Bond: No, the champagne is questionable, Moët & Chandon is highly questionable, change it to Bollinger RD
Humphries: Does RD stand for Really Dry, unlike your eyes, they’ve really moistened up with emotion?
Bond: No, it means Recently Disgorged
Humphries: Some people have all the luck!

(Good work everyone, I’m enjoying these  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol )

Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

187

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

I'll probably write another one this evening. Got an idea, just letting it develop.

188

Re: Imaginary conversations

1961. Jonathan Cape, publishers.



Publisher: Good afternoon, Ian. What have you got for us this time?
Fleming: I’ve written a new James Bond novel…
Publisher: Splendid news, old chap. What’s it about now?
Fleming: Well, there’s a giant criminal syndicate named SPECTRE, the largest in the world. They operate from Paris, and plan to steal nuclear bombs-
The door crashes open. Kevin McClory bursts in.
Kevin McClory: Aha! I’ve got you now!
Publisher: What on earth is going on?
Kevin McClory: The game’s up, my friend. Give me that manuscript, or else!
Fleming: (hisses) Shan’t.
Kevin McClory: Admit it, Ian. SPECTRE’s my idea. And nobody else is gonna take that away from me, understand?
Fleming: That’s not entirely true…what about the character of Domino, for instance? Or Emilio Largo?
Kevin McClory : Hey, those ideas were mine!
Fleming: No they weren’t.
Kevin McClory: Cheat!
Publisher: Gentlemen, please settle your differences amiably…
McClory: (cheerfully) Alright, let’s toss a coin for it. If I win, I get credited for the whole book. If you win, it goes to you. OK?
Fleming: You’re on. Heads!
McClory: Tails!
Publisher: I’m afraid it came up heads, Mr. McClory.
McClory: I’ll get you Ian Fleming, and your little dog too! I’ll be back, just you wait and see!
He leaves, cackling villainously to a chorus of boos.
Publisher: I suppose after all that brouhaha, you need a stiff drink…
Fleming: Three measures of Gordon’s, one of-
Publisher: I know, I know…

189

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol



1967. (The Royal Premiere of “Casino Royale”. The Queen, accompanied by the Duke of Edinburgh, is greeted by Charles K. Feldman.)

The Queen: Good evening, Mr Saltzman, how nice of you to invite me to your premiere.
Feldman: That’s “Feldman”, ma’am.
The Queen: Oh, really? And where is Mr Broccoli?
Feldman: I made this film myself, ma’am. Well, along with six directors, seventeen screenwriters, and half of Hollywood.
The Duke: Lots of pretty women in it, I hope?
Feldman: Oh, yes sir.
The Duke: All wearing next to nothing, just the way I like it! I tell you, you can see their-
The Queen: Philip!
Feldman: I believe you know Mr David Niven, ma’am, who is playing Sir James Bond?
The Queen: How pleasant to see you again, Mr Niven.
Niven: And you, ma’am, it is always a pleasure.
Feldman: Here is Mr Peter Sell… (Whispers to assistant.) Where’s Peter?
Assistant: (Whispers.) I don’t know, he was here a moment ago.
Feldman: (Whispers.) Go see if you can find him. (Aloud.) I beg your pardon, ma’am, next is our beautiful leading lady Miss Ursula Andress.
The Queen: Ah, good evening Miss Andress.
(Ursula smiles politely as a voice behind her speaks.)
Voice: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: (Slightly puzzled.) How radiant you look!
Voice: Thank you, ma’am.
The Queen: This will be your second James Bond film, I believe?
Voice: More like fifth.
Feldman: Nikki!
Voice: Er, yes, second that’s it…. ma’am.
Feldman: And next we have-
(A small curly-haired woman pokes her head out behind Ursula.)
Nikki: Charlie, don’t forget you promised me-
Feldman: Later, Nikki, later! Your Majesty, may I present… ah, here he is. Peter Sellers, ma’am.
The Queen: Hello again, Mr Sellers. Will you be doing your wonderful French accent in this film?
Sellers: Er, no, ma’am.
The Queen: What part will you be playing?
Sellers: James Bond 007, ma’am.
The Queen: But I thought Mr Niven was playing James Bond.
Feldman: Everyone is playing James Bond.
The Queen: One is a little confused.
Sellers: So will everyone else be after they see it!

190

Re: Imaginary conversations

1957. (Jonathan Cape, Publishers.)

Fleming: Good morning!
Publisher: Ah good morning, Ian, how are you?
Fleming: Can’t complain. Well, come to think of it, I certainly can- I’m feeling a trifle parched, and my throat is a little dry.
Publisher: Well, that would never do. I believe I have the very thing right here.
Fleming: Thank you. (Sips.) Excellent. But if you can get a vodka made with grain instead of potatoes, you will find it still better.
Publisher: I’ll take a note of that. Now, I’ve been reading this new manuscript of yours.
Fleming: Oh yes? What did you think?
Publisher: I think it may be your best yet. Such wonderful characters: Red Grant, Rosa Klebb, Kronsteen, Kerim, General Grubby Boys Love Chicks-
Fleming: That’s General Grubozaboyschikov.
Publisher: Wow. Now there’s a mouthful.
Fleming: Indeed.
Publisher: And the heroine, Tatiana. Now, her I liked a lot. But, are you sure you should wait so long before introducing James Bond into the story?
Fleming: Why, yes. I think it builds up the tension rather nicely.
Publisher: Couldn’t you introduce him a little earlier? Perhaps relaxing in a boat with a young lady?
Fleming: No, I’m quite happy with it the way it is.
Publisher: Well, if you’re sure. Speaking of Tatiana, that scene in the hotel room was a bit hot! You don’t think you could, perhaps, tone it down a notch or two?
Fleming: Oh, but that’s very important to the story. It brings the two main characters together and, you should pardon the expression, bonds them.
Publisher: I’ll talk nicely to the censor. Speaking of which, do we need the scene in the gypsy camp with the two girls tearing each others clothes off while fighting?
Fleming: We do. We do indeed.
Publisher: Right. Now, bringing in the Orient Express was a great touch! The atmosphere you created there- some of your best writing!
Fleming: Thank you, I was rather pleased with that.
Publisher: Perhaps you could write in a scene where Bond meets a little Belgian detective and-
Fleming: No! Absolutely not!
Publisher: It wouldn't have to be obvious, you could leave it subtle and-
Fleming: No!
Publisher: Worth a try.
Fleming: What did you think of the ending?
Publisher: Frankly, Ian, that’s the bit I like least. It sounds like Bond is dead!
Fleming: Yes, that’s the idea.
Publisher: You’re killing off James Bond?
Fleming: I’m the one person who can.
Publisher: But why on earth would you want to do that?
Fleming: I’m getting a bit fed up with him, and thought it might be a good idea to give me the opportunity to write other things.
Publisher: You remember what happened with Conan Doyle when he did that with Sherlock Holmes? He had to bring him back!
Fleming: Well, I’ll soften the ending a bit then so he might not be dead and could be brought back in the next book if you like.
Publisher: It’s a decision I think you’ll never regret.
Fleming: Hmm, never say never….

191

Re: Imaginary conversations

1977. (Egypt.)

MGW: Er, Cubby, we have a bit of a problem.
Broccoli: What’s up? Has Roger twisted an ankle?
MGW: No, he’s fine.
Broccoli: Is it the props? Has that damned car blown up again?
MGW: No, it’s nothing like that. The on-site caterers have had a problem, they won’t be able to feed the cast & crew today.
Broccoli: That’s no problem- do we have pasta?
MGW: Well, I don’t know…
Broccoli: Find out! And if not, buy some! Buy lots!
MGW: (Writing down.) ...pasta….
Broccoli: And we’ll need tomatoes, lots of tomatoes- or maybe passata.
MGW: (Writing.) … passata…
Broccoli: And garlic, lots of garlic. And Parmesan, don’t forget the Parmesan Michael!
MGW: (Writing)… Parmesan…
Broccoli: And onions! And meatballs!
MGW: But, Cubby, who’s gonna cook all this?
Broccoli: I am!

192

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol fantastic as always Barbel!

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

193

Re: Imaginary conversations

2019. (Eon HQ.)

BB: Time For Death?
(Headshakes around the table, murmurs of "Nah"...)
Fukunaga: Another Day To Die?
All: No... Don't think so...
MGW: The Property Of A Lady? Risico?
BB: Not again, Michael, you try that every time.
Fukunaga: Death Has No Time?
All: Hmmm... Nah... (Headshakes.)
Purvis: Die And Let Live?
Wade: GoldenDie?
(MGW's finger hovers over a button labelled "Purvis & Wade" (just next to one labelled "Mustafa") but BB catches his eye and shakes her head, mouthing "Not yet".)
BB: No Dying Time...
MGW: No Time To Live...
BB/MGW: (Together.) No Time To Die!!!!
All: Yes!
Fukunaga: That's great!
MGW: We'll get to work on that right away.
BB: Yes, we must be ready for April 2020 without fail! We can't put the release of this back. Again.
Purvis/Wade: We're sure that won't be a problem. What could possibly go wrong?

194

Re: Imaginary conversations

Pick a year. Casting for the new Bond film is revealed to the press.

1st Reporter: How does it feel to be the new Bond girl, Unnamed Actress?
Actress: Well, you know, we don’t say “Bond girl” any more.
1st Reporter: Oh yes, of course.
Actress: I’m very pleased to be here, this is an exciting script and I’m very happy to be playing opposite Unnamed Actor as James Bond.
2nd Reporter: You’re just a shade younger than Unnamed Actor, since you’re 23 and he’s 67. Do you see this as a problem?
Actress: Oh no, I think we look terrific together.
2nd Reporter: Can you tell us anything about your part?
Actress: It isn’t the same as all those other Bond gir… er, leading ladies in the past dressed in revealing outfits. Time has moved on since then. She’s much more Bond’s equal.
3rd Reporter: Bond’s equal? We haven’t heard that before.
Actress: Yes, she’s a new type of woman. She isn’t just there so Bond can save her from the bad guy and kiss her at the end of the movie.





(Six months later.)

Actress: (In bikini, tied to unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.) James! James! Help me! Save me!
Bond: But of course.
(Unnamed Actor’s stunt double leaps on a rope, grabs Unnamed Actress, and shoots the villain.)
Bond: That was a swinging time.
Actress: Oh, James….
(They kiss as the end credits roll.)

195

Re: Imaginary conversations

While we're on the subject .... has Lea Seydoux or Lashana Lynch said they're "Bond's equal" yet? It's a tradition after all.  ajb007/bond

196

Re: Imaginary conversations

I've been deliberately keeping away from the publicity as much as possible, so can't be of help there. Shouldn't be surprised, though.






(Before anyone comments, yes I do know that this sadly did not happen.)

1965. (Jonathan Cape, Publishers.)

Publisher: Ah, there you are, Ian.
Fleming: Good morning.
Publisher: Good morning! I suppose you’d like a-
Fleming: You suppose correctly. Remember, shaken not stirred.
Publisher: Of course.
Fleming: And I suppose you’ve had a look at my new manuscript?
Publisher: That I have, that I have. Gone back to Jamaica again, eh?
Fleming: Well they do say “write what you know” and it’s what I see from my window every day while I’m writing.
Publisher: You got Bond out of the pickle you left him in last time rather neatly, I thought.
Fleming: Well, I couldn’t leave him wandering around thinking he’s a Japanese fisherman.
Publisher: Naturally. What an opening! He tries to kill M then gets de-brainwashed!
Fleming: Just trying to do something a bit different.
Publisher: Of course. Now, this villain Scaramanga...
Fleming: Yes? A problem?
Publisher: Yes, but how can I...? He is not like other people. He has three...
Fleming: (Deliberately unhelpful.) Three…?
Publisher: (Reddening.) Three nipples!
Fleming: (Faking light dawning.) Ah, I see.
Publisher: Does he have to have three nipples?
Fleming: Well, I suppose I could make it four if you like.
Publisher: That’s not what I mean! It just seems a trifle kinky.
Fleming: You didn’t complain when Dr No had steel pincers.
Publisher: Yes, but.. oh all right.
Fleming: It’s a fascinating anatomical titbit.
Publisher: I liked that Mary Goodnight got a bigger role this time, and it was nice seeing Felix Leiter again...
Fleming: Thank you.
Publisher: ….although you seem to have forgotten that he got his left leg chewed off by a shark a few years ago.
Fleming: What do you mean?
Publisher: Well, he breaks his left leg near the end of the book.
Fleming: Ah, but he only got half his left leg chewed off by the shark. It’s the other half he breaks here!
Publisher: It would have to be a pretty crazy Bond fan to remember those kind of details.
Fleming: Indeed. Pretty crazy.

197

Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel wrote:

2019. (Eon HQ.)

BB: Time For Death?
(Headshakes around the table, murmurs of "Nah"...)
Fukunaga: Another Day To Die?
All: No... Don't think so...
MGW: The Property Of A Lady? Risico?
BB: Not again, Michael, you try that every time.
Fukunaga: Death Has No Time?
All: Hmmm... Nah... (Headshakes.)
Purvis: Die And Let Live?
Wade: GoldenDie?
(MGW's finger hovers over a button labelled "Purvis & Wade" (just next to one labelled "Mustafa") but BB catches his eye and shakes her head, mouthing "Not yet".)
BB: No Dying Time...
MGW: No Time To Live...
BB/MGW: (Together.) No Time To Die!!!!
All: Yes!
Fukunaga: That's great!
MGW: We'll get to work on that right away.
BB: Yes, we must be ready for April 2020 without fail! We can't put the release of this back. Again.
Purvis/Wade: We're sure that won't be a problem. What could possibly go wrong?

Reminds me of me choosing a name for AJB  ajb007/lol Enjoying this thread.

198

Re: Imaginary conversations

Glad you're liking it, Spy.

(What were some of the names you rejected?  ajb007/smile )

199

Re: Imaginary conversations

2005, a pub near EON HQ.

MGW: You nearly blew it last time, boys.
Purvis: What do you mean?
BB: That whole thing with the tidal wave surfing. And that invisible car!
Wade: Oh that.
MGW: Yes, that.
BB: The good news is though, that we can now reset the bar.
Purvis: Oh, whose round is it?
BB: Not what Michael meant, Neal. He meant that we can now make Casino Royale.
MGW: Make it properly. Without any preposterous gadgets or unrealistic "deus ex machina" to save Bond.
BB: Yes, this time we don't want anything - anything! - other than gritty realism.

2006, Czech Republic, doubling as Montenegro.

Craig: Ok, Martin, what's my motivation in this scene?
Campbell: Well Valenka has just poisoned you, so you stumble out to your car, and, umm, die.
Craig: Die?!!
Campbell: Well fortunately your new Aston just happens to have a silenced pistol and, umm, resuscitation equipment inside the glove box.
Craig: So I don't die then?
Campbell: Well you do, you're clinically dead for a few moments, but you're brought back to life, completely fine, no need for hospitalisation, you just need to change your shirt and then you're ready to save the world again. (Pause) Sorry.
Craig: Sorry? Try putting that in a sentence. Like, "sorry to hear about that Pierce, but I gather they want to make the next one one hundred percent realistic", that kind of sorry?

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

200

Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel wrote:

MGW: The Property Of A Lady? Risico?
BB: Not again, Michael, you try that every time.

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  I'm sure that not far from the truth at all!

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."