AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more (Page 1 of 6)

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   C I N D E R E L L A

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Things are grim in Eontown. The peasants are starving for lack of fresh Bondfilm, and Prince Daniel wants to raise morale by holding a grand ball. He has held balls before, but never as grand as this. He first wanted to have the ball in November, then April, then November, and then the next April…

Scene 1- The Inn
(Outside the Silencer and Black Garter, we pass the multitude of parked DB5s, past the landlord’s Lotus with the Trump 2020 sticker. We hear the locals at a table, drinking and singing.)

Locals: Yesterday, No Time To Die didn't seem so far away.
Now it seems like it will never play,
Oh how I wish it was yesterday
Why they can not show, I don't know, It seems so mean
No show for you or me, but we're still keen, for it on screen!
Yesterday, No Time To Die seemed just a month away
Now after this it'll be April or May
Oh how I wish it was yesterday.

(Number24 joins the table as the singing comes to an end.)
The Bond Experience: This is a terrible time for us all.
The Domino Effect: (Pirate voice.) Arrgh !!
TBE: Things are looking bad in old Eontown, what news is there of Daniel's balls?
N24: Sticky and wet...
TDE: What?
N24: Sorry, just reading the story in the paper: "Not only are the carpets in the Silencer and Black Garter sticky and wet, but now so are the streets".
C&D: They'll print anything these days!
TBE: (Pirate voice.) Arrgh!!
N24: Can I ask why all the funny pirate voices?
TBE: It's traditional to use a Norfolk accent when speaking a little rebellion!
All: Aargh!
TDE: (Sings.)
Come boys and girls of every age
and look upon our humble stage
Join us now for some fun and frolics
or post a comment below about it being b-
The Red Kind: Evening all, I’ll have what he’s having.
All: Arrgh!
TRK: Oh Lord, you’re not doing those pirate voices again, are you?
TB2: Hush now, it’s time for some more singing.
(On stage TP and Higgins are singing their famous "I Know Him So Well”  duet.)
Looking back, I could have played it differently
Learned about the man before I fell
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well.
(As normal they begin to argue and start hitting each other with their handbags. TB2 and N24 pull them apart.)
TB2: That was horrible.
Lady Rose: Tell me about it!
TB2: First we hear from a leaflet drop that the new ball will be in April, then November then April again....
C&D: True, I wouldn't be surprised if we got news they were dropping in November again!!! 
TBE: I'm missing out so so many great clothing collectables...
TDE: So much great clobber we can't get our hands on!
Higgins: Remember that shorty robe I had from OHMSS, it was fantastic.
TBE: But a little short, whenever you bent over we could see-
C&D: Bollocks!!
TBE: Exactly, we didn't know where to look.
Higgins: (Looking at unfeasibly large and expensive watch.) Drink up, gents, I have to leave you- time to go back to work at the Palace. (Exits.)
TP: Higgins’ departure is a timely one.
Lady Rose: How’s that, TP?
TP: Any departure of his is a timely one.
N24: Look here in the paper, official news- Prince Daniel has announced he'll be holding his balls-
TDE: More than one then?
N24: In APRIL!! One indoor and one outdoor, to keep social distancing.
TP: I've always enjoyed his balls but now gentlemen, get your wigs on- our ABBA tribute act is next for the Karaoke competition.
Napoleon Plural: Great, bags me the blonde one!
Silhouette Man: Damn….
All: Arrgh!

Scene 2- Cinderella's house

A bright yellow Citroen 2CV - sporting a number of glued-on bullet holes and a bumper sticker which reads “My other car is an Aston” -  pulls into the driveway of a house in Acacia Avenue, Tunbridge Wells. Baron Bondfan steps out and removes a cigarette from a flat gunmetal case before lighting it with a black oxidised Ronson lighter. He coughs and stubs the cigarette out, muttering ‘filthy habit’ under his breath.
Baron Bondfan reaches in his pockets for his door key and, unable to find it, whistles a few bars of ‘Rule Britannia’. The key chirrups from his black leather briefcase and, gingerly turning the locks sideways to open it, he removes the keys and enters the hallway, to be greeted by a middle-aged, portly woman wearing a housecoat which resembles the swollen, baggy parts of a sail.

Baron Bondfan: Good evening…. Frau Bunt?
Baroness Bondfan: Eh?
Baron Bondfan: Forgive me, my mind was elsewhere. I meant…. I just meant that you’re a picture, and twice as lovely in the firelight, my love.
Baroness: Firelight? That’s because we’re so hard up, we can’t afford proper lights.
Baron Bondfan: I’m sure when they see you, the villagers will come running with torches...
Baroness: We need some villagers round here to marry our two daughters. Girls!
(Two ugly stepsisters come running into the hall.)
Baron Bondfan: Ah, Paula and Paula, my two ugly… I mean, lovely daughters. It’s always such a pleasant mystery why one of you looks like Sir Miles, and one looks like Hardyboy. Even more of a mystery why you’re both called Paula. And you’re both so identical, it’s impossible to tell you apart.
1st Paula: Hello, daddy. It’s my birthday next week. Have you bought me tickets to see Liverpool v. Everton yet?
Baron Bondfan: I think we know which Paula you are, then. (He turns to the other Paula) Come to think of it, you look nothing like your sister. For starters, you’re in black & white, and you have a handsome ‘tache.
2nd Paula: Thanks daddy. I must admit it does feel a bit weird.
(Baron Bondfan enters the lounge to see a beautiful young maiden sweeping ashes from the fireplace.)
Baron Bondfan: Cinders!
Cinderella: Daddy! I’m so glad you’re home. I’ve been alone with these two sour-faced old… (She falters as Paula and Paula enter the lounge.) … ah, my lovely step-sisters.
Baron Bondfan: Well I hope you are all getting along well. I’m going up to get changed and have some supper…. But first I have some, ah, unfinished business to attend to. (He opens a desk drawer and removes a hipflask, from which he takes a sip – nodding a toast to a portrait of Her Majesty on the wall behind him – then leaves the room.).
(As he leaves, eight elegant white Persian cats sashay past his ankles and make a beeline for Cinderella, who stops sweeping and gasps in delight.)
Cinderella: I don't know what I'd do without you, my eight puss-
The Spy Who Never Dies: (Offstage.) Hoy!
Cinderella: Er, eight kitties.

To be continued

I was having a ball       

Great stuff, congratulations to everyone    I believe this is truly a leap forward
in Pantomime technology, not since reading Shakespeare....  ( The fishing catalogue )
have I been so moved. 

Excellent stuff - with more than a modicum of truth about it     

Chin askes for the rubbing to stop, as he has to get back to the Chinese restaurant 

Did Tsai enjoy it? Even more pertinent, did you enjoy it? 

Scene 3- The Palace.
 
We see an elegant palace nestled in a plane tree-lined square somewhere off the King’s Road in Chelsea.
Outside its walls, Prince Daniel sits on a step, an elbow on each knee and his head in his hands, looking dejected. Idly he swings one elegantly Tom Ford-clad leg from side to side, sighing as he does so.
Prince Daniel hears the slouchy sound of a pair of worn trainers approaching. Long before their owner hoves into view, Price Daniel shields his eyes from the impending harsh fluorescent glare of the trainers, before they can cause him any ocular damage.
 
Prince Daniel: Higgy!
Higgy: The name’s Higgins! Your Royal Highness.
Prince Daniel: C’mon Higgy, you know I can’t call you that. Sit down next to me here my Teutonic friend, and join me in my sadness. Just stow your trainers in that black sack, eh Higgy, it’s collection morning tomorrow.
Higgy: Why are you so sad, Prince?
Prince Daniel: Higgy, I thought I’d be married by now. I’ve been a Prince for so long, and I have yet to find a Princess. My parents, King Michael and Queen Barbara, have me locked up.
Higgy: Locked up? I haven’t seen a lock yet that you haven’t been able to snap in two, like that one in Bregenz, my Prince!
Prince Daniel: No Higgy, I’m locked up under contract. I can’t meet any Princesses because I’d probably have to wear a dinner jacket and that’s forbidden under contract. My relationships don’t last, that’s what that funny little Frenchman told me and he was right. I did meet a nice young lady named Vesper, but they soon saw her off. Queen Barbara escorted her to the lift – I think she called it an elevator – and bribed her with swimming lessons in the basement of the castle, and I never saw her again.
Higgy: That’s so sad, Prince Daniel. I have an idea: I will call my friend Asp 9mm, he knows lots about girls. (Reaching for his mobile, Higgy dials a number). Asp? It is me…. No me, Higgins…. Yes, Higgy, dummkopf…. No, you are the idiot…. Just shut up and listen. My friend Prince Daniel is having trouble meeting girls…. No, no, he hasn’t tried Tinder…. Yes, yes, he is a little short, I’m thinking we probably wouldn’t want to put that in his profile…. A what? …. Oh…. Yes, I will tell him… auf wiedersehn, you oaf. (He hangs up.)
Prince Daniel: What did he say?
Higgy: It was a bad line, I couldn’t make out what he said properly. It sounded like he said you should try an Escort, but I think you already have an Aston Martin, no? Then he mentioned you should try a Pro, but again I think you already have an Omega Seamaster Professional. He finally said you should try a lady of the night, but I’m thinking you want to see her during the day too. And he thinks I’m the stoopid one!
Prince Daniel: What are we to do then, Higgy?
Higgy: Perhaps you could hold one of your magnificent balls?
Prince Daniel: Good idea, but the one I had planned keeps getting delayed. First it was going to be April, then November, now it’s put back again until April next year. Who knows when I can hold one of my balls again. Queen Barbara and King Michael are keeping such a tight grip on it, I’m feeling quite blue.
Higgy: Oh. Do you think you will have to scratch your balls in future then?
Prince Daniel: Yes, probably with a carpet beater, and I use that to chase after the castle cats. You should see how I run after the puss…
Spy Who Never Dies: (Popping her head round the castle wall.) Prince Daniel!
Prince Daniel: Ahem. I could talk to you about my balls for hours Higgy, until the https://www.reference.com/pets-animals/male-chicken-c crows. Let’s see if that gets past the AJB censors without being changed to male chicken, eh, Higgy?
Higgy: (Glancing at his preposterous wristwatch.)  Really, is that the time? I must be going.
Prince Daniel: The time? You mean that ridiculous thing on your wrist actually works?
Higgy: Well, it’s been a pleasure talking to you, Prince.
Prince Daniel: Oh no, it hasn’t…
Higgy: It has my Prince, I could pretend it hasn’t, but it’s no time to lie. Farewell!
 

Scene 4- Back in the Inn, the night before the ball.

Inside the Silencer and Black Garter inn, TB2 is behind the bar serving the regulars.
Acacia Avenue: TB2, any chance of a little wine?
TB2: No-one appreciates me, I do all the work around here-
AA: No, not that kind of whine- drinking wine!
TB2: We get all our wine from Lidl. Red or white?
AA: Why not one of each? Hey, I've enjoyed looking at the movie poster collection.
TB2: Yes, there’s some good ones on the walls.
CoolHandBond: I love the Jaws poster with that Norwegian on it.
Chriscoop: No, that was a FIN!
The Domino Effect: Aarrgh!
Chriscoop: Oh, we’ve stopped doing the pirate voices now- and why do you have a chicken on your  shoulder?
TDE: Errr… I’ll explain later.
CHB: I'll serve myself, can I still open this bottle with the Landlord's A.R.S.E.?
TB2: Yep, he's always open to helping.
CHB: Where is it now?
TB2: Just behind his nut sack.  Hey Holly, get up and drag that sack of nuts out of the way, good kitty.
TRK: Why he buys those big sack of nuts instead of the packets, I'll never know.
CHB: Still can't see it, just this big clean space.
TB2: O M G it's gone!!!
(TP enters the inn carrying some logs for the fire.)
TP: Yes I'm entering with wood, so no change there.
Joshua: TP, your A.R.S.E is-
TP: Fantastic, I know. I didn't want to mention it but that new Hardyboy workout dvd is brilliant, my buns are looking good.
Joshua: No TP,  your A.R.S.E, the  Automatic Robotic Serving Thingy has been stolen!!
TP: Oh no (Wailing and anguish noises.)  NO!!! (An obvious BAFTA Nomination here.)
TB2: Look, at the clean spot, amazing the bar used to be light brown.
TP: This will not stand. We will not be terrorised by cowards who will steal an innocent robotic drinks dispenser and use me as a tool.
James Suzuki: Bit cheeky of them.
August Walker: We'll get to the bottom of it.
MattS: Don't get browned off!
Gymkata: We’ll find it, no ifs or butts.
TP: Please no more puns, we need to find some kids with a great Dane dog and a van to get to solve  this mystery!
TB2: We'll all help, gathering clues. After all without that, you'll have nothing to go on.

Scene 5- Cinderella’s house, the night of the ball.

1st Paula: Hurry up, Cinderella, get my shoes clean!
Cinders: All three of them?
1st Paula: But of course!
Cinders: Yes, Paula.
(Cinders rushes to clean the shoes.)
2nd Paula: Hurry up, Cinderella, and fetch my shoes!
Cinders: (Grumbling under her breath.) Who am I, Quarrel? (More loudly.) Yes, Paula.
2nd Paula: … and trim my beard while you’re at it!
(Cinders runs for the beard clippers.)
1st Paula: And fix my dress! Can’t you see girl? There are cat hairs everywhere!
Cinders: My, what sharp little eyes…
1st Paula: Wait ‘til you get to my teeth! They need brushing too. Bring me that big brush, the one I call…
Cinders: Basil? Yes, Paula.
(Cinders scampers away.)
2nd Paula: And Cinders!?
Cinders: ( (Hurrying back before she can get to the clothes and the brush.) …. Yes Paula?
2nd Paula: Be quick about it!
Cinders: (Grinding her teeth together.) More like bloody Wint and Kidd those two, the sadists.
(The two stepsisters leave. Cinders sits down wearily with her cats and sighs.)
Cinders: Oh, this is too much. Will I never be free?
(There is a flash of light. A lovely fairy appears.)
Spy: Cinderella, I am your Fairy Spymother Who Never Dies, here to grant your innermost wish.
Cinders: Great! Can you bring forward the release date of “No Time To Die”?
Spy: Ah. There are limits.
Cinders: Can we have peace on earth then, or specifically in the “Not so short-lived non-argumentative political thread”?
Spy: Fat chance, Higgins posts there.
Cinders: Well, can you at least give me more cats so I will have pussies galore?
Spy: Hoy!
Cinders: Er, kitties galore?
Spy: I have a different plan for your cats- behold!
(She waves her wand. Cinderella’s rags become a beautiful ball gown. The cats become horses and footmen. The coach is made from the A.R.S.E. which had mysteriously gone missing earlier.)
Cinders: Haven't I seen that coach before, at the Inn?
Spy: Er, never mind that.
Cinders: So I shall go to the Prince’s Ball?
Spy: Yes, but there is one condition- you must return before midnight or all of these will return to their normal state. The ballgown will go back to The Bond Experience’s voluminous archive. The coach will go back to… ahem, wherever it came from. And the horses and footmen will once again become…
Cinders: … Can I say it?
Spy: Do you want me to set a Mod on you?
Cinders: What about these glass slippers?
Spy: You might need a welding mask and factor one million sunscreen for what they become, dear.

This December is shaping up to be better than I thought it would be 

I'm pretty sure it's just a coincidence Higgy.... eh, Higgins... I wouldn't take any notice. 

Higgins and Higgy are extremely common names in British pantomimes. The first recorded instance was in "Hey Nonny-Nonny Noel" produced in 1581 by Sir Basil de Ggnog which went on a blockbuster tour small towns from 1581 until 1604. The character Higgins (affectionately called Higgy by his pet whippet who acted as the narrator) was renowned for his extreme intelligence, devilish good-looks and his knowledge of all things green. I am sure that the appearance of a character named Higgins/Higgy in the AJB Christmas Pantomime relates to that and not to anyone on these boards.  Now, where's my chicken...