26

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

dare I ask if I'll be making an appearance?

Good stuff!

edited: hey!  I'm in scene 4!

Current rankings:
OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>YOLT>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>OP>DN>
TWINE>TND>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton

27

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

I'm.pretty sure you're back in a couple of scenes time, Gymkata. Singing, if my ageing memory serves. TP might remember better than me.

28

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

singing?  egads...you would  cringe at my singing voice.

Current rankings:
OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>YOLT>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>OP>DN>
TWINE>TND>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton

29

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Yup, I've checked with what TP had written and... but that would be telling.  ajb007/wink

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

ACACIA_AVENUE wrote:
Higgins wrote:

I have no idea, why one of the protagonists is having my name, because clearly he has nothing at all in common with myself  ajb007/confused


Maybe you should have been the rear end of the pantomime horse ?  ajb007/biggrin

https://i.postimg.cc/qgPvwFRd/ursula.jpg

Are you calling him a horse's arse?

31

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

ajb007/lol  ajb007/martini  ajb007/lol  ajb007/martini

The Christmas season has truly arrived!

Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Barbel wrote:
ACACIA_AVENUE wrote:
Higgins wrote:

I have no idea, why one of the protagonists is having my name, because clearly he has nothing at all in common with myself  ajb007/confused


Maybe you should have been the rear end of the pantomime horse ?  ajb007/biggrin

https://i.postimg.cc/qgPvwFRd/ursula.jpg

Are you calling him a horse's arse?

Well done Barbel, you got the subtle Dalton reference  ajb007/cheers

One of us smells like a tart's handkerchief.

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Ishtar  ajb007/martini

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

34

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Shady Tree wrote:

ajb007/lol  ajb007/martini  ajb007/lol  ajb007/martini

The Christmas season has truly arrived!

On behalf of the team, thank you Shady.  ajb007/cheers

35

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Thunderpussy wrote:

Ishtar  ajb007/martini

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

You know, I never thought that was as bad as it was made out to be. Hardly great cinema, but not the worst film ever. Still, Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty were never natural funny men unless aided by a really good script (eg The Graduate, Tootsie. )

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

ACACIA_AVENUE wrote:
Barbel wrote:
ACACIA_AVENUE wrote:

Maybe you should have been the rear end of the pantomime horse ?  ajb007/biggrin

https://i.postimg.cc/qgPvwFRd/ursula.jpg

Are you calling him a horse's arse?

Well done Barbel, you got the subtle Dalton reference  ajb007/cheers

But of course.

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Scene 6- The Ball

(Cinders enters in her beautiful gown, accompanied by her Fairy Spymother. An opulent space, filled with glittery light and revellers enjoying themselves. Clearly, the party is in full swing.)

Fairy Spymother: What do you think, my dear?
Cinderella: Why, it's amazing! It’s exactly how I dreamed it would be!
(The band play “Good Evening Eontown”. The Scottish bass player looks very happy- possibly slightly drunk. After a couple of songs he leaves the stage.)
Prince Daniel: This song sounds a little lacklustre, eh Higgy?
Higgy: Your Highness, I think it’s because the bass player has wandered off.
(The two men spot the bass player heading for a spiral staircase leading up towards the upper tier of the ballroom. We’re not sure how many tiers there are, Boris Johnson keeps changing his mind.)
Prince Daniel: Bless him, I imagine he’s having a senior moment.
Higgy: No, I think he’s having a Macallan Moment… ah look there he is.
(The bass player appears in a box high above the proceedings, and sits down next to another AJB senior.)
Barbel: There you are, old boy!
C&D: Charmed, I’m sure!
Prince Daniel: (Looking up at them from below.) They look like a couple of muppets.
Higgy: Statler and Waldorf spring to mind….

(Across the dancefloor, Prince Daniel catches sight of Cinderella. Overcome by shock, he stands rooted to the spot, oblivious to all else taking place while Higgy rambles on.)
Higgy: Yes, well of course, it’s a debatable point of contention as to whether Adidas’ new range of trainers are truly green or simply a very light shade of blue or perhaps ultramarine.  Although a genuinely skilled and discerning expert on the subject of green trainers, such as myself, can always tell the difference between them…are you even listening to me?
Prince Daniel: Who’s that?
Higgy: Who do you mean?
(Prince Daniel indicates Cinderella.)
Prince Daniel: That girl…I haven’t seen her around here before…
Higgy: Never mind that. As I was saying, the study of green trainers is among the most exacting scientific disciplines in the world. It requires real discipline-
Prince Daniel: (Urgently.) Wait a minute! I have to know who she is…
Higgy: And I have to know how to get my hands on the new Nike range!  Apparently that particular shade of green is very rare…
(Prince Daniel, meanwhile, is transfixed by Cinderella.)
Prince Daniel: She’s amazing…
Higgy: Yeah, but so is the new Extra Green brand of trainers…

Barbel: Look! Who’s that?
C&D: Let’s have a closer look...
(Far below, they can see a man dressed like a Viking clutching a woodsman’s axe in one hand, and thumbing through a centrefold with the other. He appears to be talking to himself.)
Barbel: Can you hear what he’s saying? My ears are shot from all those years of playing the bass too loud.
C&D: It sounds like he’s saying….. “Jennifer Connolly…. Margot Robbie…. Eliza Gonzales…”
Barbel: Ah, that must be Number24.
C&D: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
Barbel: No… I think he’s wandered in from ‘Babes in the Nude... er, Wood'!
(Both of them start guffawing like a couple of loons.)
 
Spy: Shall we meet some of the other guests?
Cinderella: Sounds like a good idea…
(A man sits staring deep in concentration at a calendar, frantically ticking off dates with a red marker pen.)
Cinderella: Who’s this?
Man: November 2021…April 2022…November 2022…no, no, no….it doesn’t work!
(He starts tearing his hair out and sobbing.)
Spy: Eon’s head of scheduling for “No Time to Die”… a troubled man.

(A group of tall, dark, handsome men wait outside dressed in tuxedoes.)
Cinderella: Who are this lot, then?
Man: I’m the new James Bond.
(One of his compatriots angrily shouts.)
Man: No, I am!
Man: No, it’s me!
Doorman: I’m sure you are… stand in an orderly queue, gentlemen. Tickets ready, please. Cavill, Elba, Turner… hang on! These invitations are fake!
(A scuffle breaks out among the massed imposters; elsewhere, two tall, greying men talk.)
Pierce: Ah, it's great to be seen as the natural replacement for old Sir Sean.
Tim: Oh. no you're not!
Pierce: Oh yes I am!
Tim: Oh no you're not!  I am surely the natural successor to Sean- don't you remember the old rhyme? England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales. Wales comes after Scotland!
Pierce: You're just being silly now, Tim. Many critics said at the time that I was simply the best since Sean.
Tim: Now hang on, the critics said I was the best since Sean too- and as I was before you came along, I win!
Pierce: Nonsense, many have spoken of how I (Refers to a review he pulls from his pocket.) “blended the cruelty of Connery with the light comedic flair of Moore”.
Tim: I was cruel- just look at my great performance in “Licence to Kill”.
(Overhearing this, Higgy’s eyes grow moist.)
Pierce: Yes, but not too many jokes in that one Tim. Too many years on the boards in tights, that's your problem.
Tim: Every great actor has worn tights and slapped his thigh on occasion.
Pierce: I never did.
Tim: As I said, every great actor.
Pierce: Oh you bitch!
Tim: How's my comic timing now, eh, Pierce?
Pierce: Look Tim, can we at least agree, that we of the Celtic nations, Sean from Scotland, I from Ireland and you from Wales- all have made the best Bonds
Tim:  All that you say could be true.
Voice: (Joining in from behind.) What about the Antipodean?
Pierce: The what?
(A third tall, greying man joins them.)
George: The Australian- the true successor to Sean.  I went to Sean's tailor, had a Rolex and even had my hair cut in the style of Sean.
Tim: Yes we all know the story and we all have Rolexes.
Pierce: Actually, I've an Omega.
Tim: Has to have the last word.
George: Bet this never happened to the other fellas….

(We see Higgy approach the Fairy Spymother. This doesn’t go unnoticed by the two old codgers sitting in their box, high above the proceedings.)
Barbel: Look, C&D. That looks like a Fairy Spymother.
C&D: How can you tell she’s a spymother?
Barbel: Her wings are shaped like a jetpack.
C&D: Hold on a second… is that Higgy who’s just sidled up to have a chat?
Barbel: Difficult to mistake him with those trainers on.
(The Fairy Spymother and Higgy start engaging in a conversation. Pretty soon, Higgy points at his feet. With a wave of her wand, Higgy’s trainers turn blue, like Prince Daniel’s Adidas Gazelles. At that, the two old codgers see Higgy burst a balloon from the dancefloor with one hand while simultaneously bursting into tears, much like his hero in ‘The Living Daylights’. At that, Spy takes pity and turns Higgy’s trainers back into a lurid green again.)
Barbel: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
C&D: No… looks more like ‘Beauty & The Beast’ from up here!
(They start guffawing like a couple of fools.)
 
(A man sits alone in the corner, sobbing.)
Cinders: Who's that?
Spy: That's the editor of "Quantum of Solace"- just leave him there, alone with his sorrows.

(TB2 and TP burst in, looking around in desperation.)
TB2: Now we’ve got here…
TP: ...all we have to do is find it!
(They are approached by a waiter, a dark-haired young man in a white shirt and black bow tie.)
Waiter: (Waving his hand in the air.) Good evening, Mr Bond fans, may I help you? A drink, perhaps?
TB2: No thank you, I’m trying to find my A.R.S.E.
Waiter: (Raises eyebrow.) If you insist, sir.

(Meanwhile, on the dance floor…)
Prince Daniel: Would you like to dance?
Cinderella: What should I say to an invitation from a strange gentleman?
Prince Daniel: You should say “Yes”, miss…?
Cinderella: Cinderella.
(Back at the bar…)
TB2: Could you help us a moment?
Tim: Yes?
TP: I’m having trouble finding my A.R.S.E.
Pierce: Is it perfectly formed?
TB2: You could say that…
George: What’s the problem here?
TP: I can’t find my A.R.S.E.
Audience: (Shouts.) It’s behind you!

(On the dancefloor, Prince Daniel and Cinderella have been dancing for hours.)
Prince Daniel: I’m hot! I think it’s time for a drink.
Cinderella: Oh no, it’s not.
Prince Daniel: Oh yes it is. Time for a vodka martini, shaken ……
Cinderella: (Panicking.) Time? Time? What time is it?
Prince: Like I said, time for a vodka mar…(He is interrupted by the sound of the clock striking midnight.)
Cinderella: Ohhhh! I must go.
Prince: This is no time to fly.
Cinderella: I have to! (She runs down the palace steps.)
Prince: Oh no you…..oh wait,  she’s gone! (He stands there looking all forlorn, about to cry. His friend Higgy, who hates to see a prince cry, rushes over.)   
Prince: She’s gone, I don’t even know her name. How will I ever find her again? (Tears start to well.)

(Above, in the box.)
Barbel: Look! (He points a newcomer to the ball out to C&D.) Isn’t that the well-known 1960s character actor Sir James Robertson-Justice?
C&D: Easy mistake to make, but I think that’s Thunderpu…
Fairy Spymother: (Calling up to the balcony.) Oy!
Barbel: Careful old boy, you don’t want her to change you into one of Cinderella’s mice…
(Higgy spots TP and they start talking heatedly. All of a sudden, Higgy treads on one of TP’s toes with his lurid trainers. TP lets out a howl and limps off.)
C&D: Looks like, ahem, TP is limping – he’ll need to go to a chemist to sort that toe out.
Barbel: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
C&D: I’m pretty sure he’ll need to be a ‘Thunderpuss in Boots’ at this rate!
(Fairy Spymother leans back to shout up to the balcony again as both Barbel and C&D start guffawing like a couple of loons…)

(TP limps out into the coachpark to join TB2.)
TP: Well, that was pointless.
TB2: (Sadly.) I suppose you’re right. We’ll never find our A.R.S.E anywhere.
(The A.R.S.E sits in the coachpark surrounded by eight cats.)
TP: No, wait...there it is!
TB2: Hooray! We’re saved! But where did all these puss-
Spy: Hoy!
TB2: Er, kitties come from?

38

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

When have cheesy lines and character assassination ever been quite so much fun?  ajb007/biggrin

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

39

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

I see your point, Higgins. Today there is a character with my name too, but he's totally different from me!

40

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

You would have two centrefolds?

41

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

There must be another Number24 out there.  ajb007/biggrin

42

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

I didn't  realise  I had such a large part
It put a smile on my face this morning....
... and later I read the pantomime  story  ajb007/wink

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

43

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

I see you boys have been busy.

I'm going to get myself a large coffee, a few biscuits and have myself a good read ......  ajb007/smile

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Hope you enjoy, Lady Rose. Not just boys, btw, one girl too.

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Barbel wrote:

Hope you enjoy, Lady Rose. Not just boys, btw, one girl too.

Of course. I see TSWND was involved too.

Great work everyone  ajb007/biggrin

46

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

More tomorrow!

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

(A man sits alone in the corner, sobbing.)
Cinders: Who's that?
Spy: That's the editor of "Quantum of Solace"- just leave him there, alone with his sorrows.

I laughed waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too hard at that.

Current rankings:
OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>YOLT>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>OP>DN>
TWINE>TND>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton

48

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Scene 7 Outside the Inn, two figures emerge from the mist. TB2 is carrying TP who's holding his A.R.S.E with both hands….

TB2: Thank goodness we're back, I'm getting tired carrying you and your big A.R.S.E.
TP: How dare you, my arse is not big, it's perfect apart from the crack in it. You're the one who said you were an Uber.
TB2: I said I was a YouTuber, a fan of YouTube!!
(TB2 stumbles on a cobble.)
TB2: Here comes a regular, ask him to open the door my hands are full.
TP: As are mine. Excuse me good sir, could you reach the knob?
Mr Snow: No, I've heard all about you and your odd ways.
TB2: The door knob, to let us in!
(All three enter the Inn, to the sound of voices singing the “12 Days of Christmas”.)
All: FIVE, Gold-Fingers
Chriscoop: Four, Aston Martin cars
TheRedKind: Three, Lotus subs
Sir Hilary Bray: Two, shiny bezants
All: And one, legendary Sean Connery!
Golrush007: As choirmaster, I have to say that was ......... bloody awful!  Especially you, Gymkata- egads, I cringe at your singing voice. You do know that over at  MI6 they're flat-out practicing and they only lost out last year to the Star Wars Forum.
HowardB: We're doing our best, Golrush, the singing is hard but that dance routine you've got us doing is almost impossible. To expect walther p99 to do the splits is just asking too much.
emtiem:  Also, is dressing up in lederhosen and doing a drum solo by slapping each other really in the spirit of Christmas?
hehadlotsofguts: Forget that crap, TP and TB2 are back.
(They turn to see what's occurring.)
Napoleon Plural: Looks like you've found it.
TP: Yes, it's back home (He places it back on its place on the bar.)
Gymkata: It brings a tear to my eye to once again look upon your A.R.S.E.
Loeffelholz: Indeed, I was feeling quite "Jaded" about it.
James Suzuki: I'm so happy, someone give me a bottle, let me be the first to open one.
Walther99: This is inspiring, I'm gonna try the splits right now!!!!!!
(A short tearing sound and a brief scream later...)
Lady Rose: I'll call the ambulance for him.
TP: Good idea.
Lady Rose: Where was it, boys?
TB2: It was just there in the Royal coachpark,
0073: That was staggering.
TB2: No, it was just sitting there. In fact TP tripped over it, he was more interested in the goings on in one coach with a group of men standing around it.
zaphod99: What was going on there?
TB2: Some sort of puppetry, I think, as TP said something about hand action…?
TP: Never mind hands,  the Prince seems to have developed a foot fetish.
SpectreOfDefeat: Foot fetish?
TP: He's now going door to door checking people's feet!
TB2: Only the girls, TP.
TP: Sexist!
TB2: With a green trainer, no less.
TP: Tasteless!  Now, to celebrate a drink all round. Please TB2 open a bottle and six, seven, eight straws all round.
TB2: Champagne?
TP: No, a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale will do! Now, let’s break out the cards.
SpectreOfDefeat: Oh please, not “Happy Families” again.
TP: No, we’ll use the ones with “007” on the back, like Solitaire used to have. I want to see if Number24 gets The Fool again.
N24: That’s only because you bought a pack of cards that was all The Fool.
TP: N24, N24, would I do I thing like that to you?
N24: Yes you bloody well would!



Scene 8- The Palace.

Prince: (Downhearted.) It’s like the sky has fallen on me. I can’t find any comfort.
Higgy: Not even a small amount of comfort? A quantum of sol-
Prince: Don’t start! I hate to lose- I’m a worse loser than Donald Trump.
Higgy: I'll concede that.
Prince: Pity he didn't!
Higgy: (Assuredly.) Don’t worry. We’ll find her.
Prince: (Sniffs) Oh no we won’t.
Higgy: Oh yes we will.
Prince: How? (A tear falls.)
Higgy: You’re going to have to trust me on this.
Prince: Oh no I don’t.
Higgy: Oh yes you do. I’ll think of something. (Looks wildly around.) Look! What’s that on the steps?
Prince: It looks like a shoe. (They both make their way down the steps.)   
Higgy: It’s a trainer!
Prince: Oh no it isn’t.
Higgy: Oh yes it is, I’m an expert in that area. (He picks it up excitedly.) A nice green one!
Prince: Oh no it isn’t. (He grabs the shoe and looks at it closely under the chandelier.) Wait, oh yes it is.
Higgy: (Grabbing it back.) Well, it’s certainly not one of yours, it doesn’t have lifts in it. The best green trainer I’ve ever seen. Perfect for running in.
Prince: Well, everybody needs a hobby.
Higgy: Oh no they don’t.
Prince: Oh yes they do.
Higgy: So, what’s yours?
Prince: Finding the girl whose foot fits this shoe! 
Higgy: What about the rest of her?
Prince: I can keep that as a bonus. Any ideas?
Higgy: Search every house in the land and try the trainer. (Sighs.) The green trainer on the foot of every girl.
Prince: (No longer looking misty eyed.) You know, you're cleverer than you look.
Higgy: The very words I live by.
Prince: Oh no they’re not.
Higgy: Oh yes they are.
Prince: (Impatiently.) We’re wasting time. Are you sure that crazy watch of yours is accurate?
Higgy: German watches are never wrong!
Prince: We’ll take the Aston Martin. And you will try the trainer on all the girls.
Higgy: Oh no I-
Prince: Oh yes you will. Rule number one: never do anything yourself, when someone else can do it for you. Oh, and take that cello! Also I've had a few optional extras fitted.
(They enter the Aston Martin, Higgy has to move some small plastic tees from his seat.)
Higgy: What are these for?
Prince: You rest your balls on them before driving off.
Higgy: WOW!! Aston Martin really do think of everything with the comfort options pack, don't they!
Prince: Golf balls, Higgy, golf balls….
(They leave in the Prince’s Aston Martin, with Higgy tightly holding the green trainer.)

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Hilarious stuff, I’m sad my part is so small but Mrs CHB said I should have got used to it by now  ajb007/crap  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Great stuff everyone, a real Christmas treat ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

and thanks to all my fellow authors  ajb007/martini ajb007/bond