Scene 6- The Ball
(Cinders enters in her beautiful gown, accompanied by her Fairy Spymother. An opulent space, filled with glittery light and revellers enjoying themselves. Clearly, the party is in full swing.)
Fairy Spymother: What do you think, my dear?
Cinderella: Why, it's amazing! It’s exactly how I dreamed it would be!
(The band play “Good Evening Eontown”. The Scottish bass player looks very happy- possibly slightly drunk. After a couple of songs he leaves the stage.)
Prince Daniel: This song sounds a little lacklustre, eh Higgy?
Higgy: Your Highness, I think it’s because the bass player has wandered off.
(The two men spot the bass player heading for a spiral staircase leading up towards the upper tier of the ballroom. We’re not sure how many tiers there are, Boris Johnson keeps changing his mind.)
Prince Daniel: Bless him, I imagine he’s having a senior moment.
Higgy: No, I think he’s having a Macallan Moment… ah look there he is.
(The bass player appears in a box high above the proceedings, and sits down next to another AJB senior.)
Barbel: There you are, old boy!
C&D: Charmed, I’m sure!
Prince Daniel: (Looking up at them from below.) They look like a couple of muppets.
Higgy: Statler and Waldorf spring to mind….
(Across the dancefloor, Prince Daniel catches sight of Cinderella. Overcome by shock, he stands rooted to the spot, oblivious to all else taking place while Higgy rambles on.)
Higgy: Yes, well of course, it’s a debatable point of contention as to whether Adidas’ new range of trainers are truly green or simply a very light shade of blue or perhaps ultramarine. Although a genuinely skilled and discerning expert on the subject of green trainers, such as myself, can always tell the difference between them…are you even listening to me?
Prince Daniel: Who’s that?
Higgy: Who do you mean?
(Prince Daniel indicates Cinderella.)
Prince Daniel: That girl…I haven’t seen her around here before…
Higgy: Never mind that. As I was saying, the study of green trainers is among the most exacting scientific disciplines in the world. It requires real discipline-
Prince Daniel: (Urgently.) Wait a minute! I have to know who she is…
Higgy: And I have to know how to get my hands on the new Nike range! Apparently that particular shade of green is very rare…
(Prince Daniel, meanwhile, is transfixed by Cinderella.)
Prince Daniel: She’s amazing…
Higgy: Yeah, but so is the new Extra Green brand of trainers…
Barbel: Look! Who’s that?
C&D: Let’s have a closer look...
(Far below, they can see a man dressed like a Viking clutching a woodsman’s axe in one hand, and thumbing through a centrefold with the other. He appears to be talking to himself.)
Barbel: Can you hear what he’s saying? My ears are shot from all those years of playing the bass too loud.
C&D: It sounds like he’s saying….. “Jennifer Connolly…. Margot Robbie…. Eliza Gonzales…”
Barbel: Ah, that must be Number24.
C&D: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
Barbel: No… I think he’s wandered in from ‘Babes in the Nude... er, Wood'!
(Both of them start guffawing like a couple of loons.)
Spy: Shall we meet some of the other guests?
Cinderella: Sounds like a good idea…
(A man sits staring deep in concentration at a calendar, frantically ticking off dates with a red marker pen.)
Cinderella: Who’s this?
Man: November 2021…April 2022…November 2022…no, no, no….it doesn’t work!
(He starts tearing his hair out and sobbing.)
Spy: Eon’s head of scheduling for “No Time to Die”… a troubled man.
(A group of tall, dark, handsome men wait outside dressed in tuxedoes.)
Cinderella: Who are this lot, then?
Man: I’m the new James Bond.
(One of his compatriots angrily shouts.)
Man: No, I am!
Man: No, it’s me!
Doorman: I’m sure you are… stand in an orderly queue, gentlemen. Tickets ready, please. Cavill, Elba, Turner… hang on! These invitations are fake!
(A scuffle breaks out among the massed imposters; elsewhere, two tall, greying men talk.)
Pierce: Ah, it's great to be seen as the natural replacement for old Sir Sean.
Tim: Oh. no you're not!
Pierce: Oh yes I am!
Tim: Oh no you're not! I am surely the natural successor to Sean- don't you remember the old rhyme? England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales. Wales comes after Scotland!
Pierce: You're just being silly now, Tim. Many critics said at the time that I was simply the best since Sean.
Tim: Now hang on, the critics said I was the best since Sean too- and as I was before you came along, I win!
Pierce: Nonsense, many have spoken of how I (Refers to a review he pulls from his pocket.) “blended the cruelty of Connery with the light comedic flair of Moore”.
Tim: I was cruel- just look at my great performance in “Licence to Kill”.
(Overhearing this, Higgy’s eyes grow moist.)
Pierce: Yes, but not too many jokes in that one Tim. Too many years on the boards in tights, that's your problem.
Tim: Every great actor has worn tights and slapped his thigh on occasion.
Pierce: I never did.
Tim: As I said, every great actor.
Pierce: Oh you bitch!
Tim: How's my comic timing now, eh, Pierce?
Pierce: Look Tim, can we at least agree, that we of the Celtic nations, Sean from Scotland, I from Ireland and you from Wales- all have made the best Bonds
Tim: All that you say could be true.
Voice: (Joining in from behind.) What about the Antipodean?
Pierce: The what?
(A third tall, greying man joins them.)
George: The Australian- the true successor to Sean. I went to Sean's tailor, had a Rolex and even had my hair cut in the style of Sean.
Tim: Yes we all know the story and we all have Rolexes.
Pierce: Actually, I've an Omega.
Tim: Has to have the last word.
George: Bet this never happened to the other fellas….
(We see Higgy approach the Fairy Spymother. This doesn’t go unnoticed by the two old codgers sitting in their box, high above the proceedings.)
Barbel: Look, C&D. That looks like a Fairy Spymother.
C&D: How can you tell she’s a spymother?
Barbel: Her wings are shaped like a jetpack.
C&D: Hold on a second… is that Higgy who’s just sidled up to have a chat?
Barbel: Difficult to mistake him with those trainers on.
(The Fairy Spymother and Higgy start engaging in a conversation. Pretty soon, Higgy points at his feet. With a wave of her wand, Higgy’s trainers turn blue, like Prince Daniel’s Adidas Gazelles. At that, the two old codgers see Higgy burst a balloon from the dancefloor with one hand while simultaneously bursting into tears, much like his hero in ‘The Living Daylights’. At that, Spy takes pity and turns Higgy’s trainers back into a lurid green again.)
Barbel: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
C&D: No… looks more like ‘Beauty & The Beast’ from up here!
(They start guffawing like a couple of fools.)
(A man sits alone in the corner, sobbing.)
Cinders: Who's that?
Spy: That's the editor of "Quantum of Solace"- just leave him there, alone with his sorrows.
(TB2 and TP burst in, looking around in desperation.)
TB2: Now we’ve got here…
TP: ...all we have to do is find it!
(They are approached by a waiter, a dark-haired young man in a white shirt and black bow tie.)
Waiter: (Waving his hand in the air.) Good evening, Mr Bond fans, may I help you? A drink, perhaps?
TB2: No thank you, I’m trying to find my A.R.S.E.
Waiter: (Raises eyebrow.) If you insist, sir.
(Meanwhile, on the dance floor…)
Prince Daniel: Would you like to dance?
Cinderella: What should I say to an invitation from a strange gentleman?
Prince Daniel: You should say “Yes”, miss…?
Cinderella: Cinderella.
(Back at the bar…)
TB2: Could you help us a moment?
Tim: Yes?
TP: I’m having trouble finding my A.R.S.E.
Pierce: Is it perfectly formed?
TB2: You could say that…
George: What’s the problem here?
TP: I can’t find my A.R.S.E.
Audience: (Shouts.) It’s behind you!
(On the dancefloor, Prince Daniel and Cinderella have been dancing for hours.)
Prince Daniel: I’m hot! I think it’s time for a drink.
Cinderella: Oh no, it’s not.
Prince Daniel: Oh yes it is. Time for a vodka martini, shaken ……
Cinderella: (Panicking.) Time? Time? What time is it?
Prince: Like I said, time for a vodka mar…(He is interrupted by the sound of the clock striking midnight.)
Cinderella: Ohhhh! I must go.
Prince: This is no time to fly.
Cinderella: I have to! (She runs down the palace steps.)
Prince: Oh no you…..oh wait, she’s gone! (He stands there looking all forlorn, about to cry. His friend Higgy, who hates to see a prince cry, rushes over.)
Prince: She’s gone, I don’t even know her name. How will I ever find her again? (Tears start to well.)
(Above, in the box.)
Barbel: Look! (He points a newcomer to the ball out to C&D.) Isn’t that the well-known 1960s character actor Sir James Robertson-Justice?
C&D: Easy mistake to make, but I think that’s Thunderpu…
Fairy Spymother: (Calling up to the balcony.) Oy!
Barbel: Careful old boy, you don’t want her to change you into one of Cinderella’s mice…
(Higgy spots TP and they start talking heatedly. All of a sudden, Higgy treads on one of TP’s toes with his lurid trainers. TP lets out a howl and limps off.)
C&D: Looks like, ahem, TP is limping – he’ll need to go to a chemist to sort that toe out.
Barbel: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
C&D: I’m pretty sure he’ll need to be a ‘Thunderpuss in Boots’ at this rate!
(Fairy Spymother leans back to shout up to the balcony again as both Barbel and C&D start guffawing like a couple of loons…)
(TP limps out into the coachpark to join TB2.)
TP: Well, that was pointless.
TB2: (Sadly.) I suppose you’re right. We’ll never find our A.R.S.E anywhere.
(The A.R.S.E sits in the coachpark surrounded by eight cats.)
TP: No, wait...there it is!
TB2: Hooray! We’re saved! But where did all these puss-
Spy: Hoy!
TB2: Er, kitties come from?
