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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

There'll be more tomorrow....

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

nice to see my 'egads' quote get put in there in a pickup shot ajb007/smile

Current rankings:
OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>YOLT>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>OP>DN>
TWINE>TND>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

The concluding section-

Scene 9- Cinderella’s house.

News about the girl, who had danced with the Prince at the ball, leaving behind her green trainer, travelled fast. Soon everyone in the land knew that Prince Daniel was on a quest to find the girl whose foot fitted that trainer. There was great excitement everywhere and especially in Baron Bondfan’s house.

1st Paula: (Twirling around.) Oh it’s so exciting. Just imagine, if the trainer fits, I will become a princess,
2nd Paula: Oh no you won’t.
1st Paula: Oh yes, I will.
2nd Paula: Oh no you won’t. Because it will fit me and I’ll be the princess. (She flicks back her hair.)
Cinders: Maybe it will fit me.
1st Paula: (Sneering.) You? Why would it fit a mouse like you?
2nd Paula: (Dancing around her.) Yeah, why would it fit you? As if you could be a princess!
1st Paula: Why, the Prince wouldn’t even look at you!
2nd Paula: He wouldn’t even want you for his kitchen maid.
The sisters laugh loudly and chant: Cinders, oh Cinders, wash those floors. Cinders, oh Cinders, do your chores!
Baron Bondfan: (Passing by.) It’s good to see you girls singing and dancing, all getting along together.
Sisters: Oh no it isn’t.
Baron: Oh yes, it is.
1st Paula: I must get ready. Cinders, fetch me my best yellow dress.
2nd Paula: Me too. Cinders, go and get my red satin dress.
1st Paula: Quick, quick now, Cinders. Make it snappy.
2nd Paula: Hurry, hurry Cinders. Get a move on.
(Cinders rushes off and brings the sisters their dresses. 1st Paula puts on her yellow dress and admires herself in the mirror.)
2nd Paula: (Sarcastically)That will go well with the trainer. Green and yellow, the colour of sick!  Such a delicate touch. 
1st Paula: (Jeering at her sister’s dress.) Well, it’s better than red and green which isn’t fit to be seen. Naturally you think human beings dress like that.
Baron: Paulas, Paulas. You need to be ready when the Prince comes, not arguing. You both look fine.

(After driving to nearly all the houses and the green trainer not fitting anyone, Higgy is fed up and wants to go home. He walks back to the Aston Martin, but a passing sleigh knocks him into a hedge... )
Prince: That's unusual.
Higgy: (Brushing himself down.) Not really, seems to happen to me a lot on these adventures!
Prince: Well, let’s get going.
Higgy: Let’s go back. We gave it our best shot.
Prince: We have one more house to try.
Higgy: Oh no we don’t.
Prince: Oh yes, we do. Baron Bondfan’s house.
Higgy: (Glumly.) But that’s miles away. Feels like 500 miles, can’t we skip it?
Prince: (Driving faster.) You must be joking!  I would walk 500 miles more just to stand..
Higgy: Are you Proclaiming again?
Prince: Just havering.
Higgy: It will be a waste of time, like all the others.
Prince: Oh no it won’t.
Higgy: Oh yes it will.
Prince: You gonna complain all the way? (He toys with the ejector seat button.)
Higgy: Go on, eject me! See if I care!
Prince: Oh yes you will.
Higgy: Oh no I….
(The Prince swerves to avoid a hedgehog.)
Higgy: Hey, I swear my nerves are showing!
Prince: You just set your hopes up way too high.
(Higgy goes quiet and gazes at the green trainer. He is mesmerised by it.)
Prince: What is it, Higgy?
Higgy: It’s this green, Daniel. All my life I’ve been in love with this colour, its brilliance, its divine heaviness.
Prince: Oh no you haven’t.
Higgy: Oh yes, I have.
Prince: I hadn't noticed.
(Higgy holds the trainer close to him for the rest of the journey. They approach the house and knock on the door, which is set with large ornate door knockers with three golden orbs with a Latin motto underneath.)
Higgy: They're impressive knockers.
Prince: I won't grace that with an answer.
(The door is opened by an odd servant dressed on top as a French maid but with the bottom dressed as a butler.)
Butler: Good evening, gentlemen.
Higgy: I say, those are impressive knockers you've got.
Butler: Why thank you. I'm transitioning, just had them done last week. (Pointing at his chest.)
For the first time in my life I feel like a complete woman... (He notices the Prince and Higgy staring at him blankly.) Oh the door knockers! Well, they sometimes fall off.
Prince: And the orbs?
Butler: They'll be gone next week, so Dr Kaufman tells me.
Prince: The name’s Daniel, Prince Daniel. We have called to see the Baron.
Butler: He is in the downstairs vestibule….
Higgy: We'll wait till he's finished, don't want him straining anything.
Butler: (Eyes rolling.) ….practicing his archery. Follow me, gentlemen.
(They cross the hall and the butler knocks on a door. They enter as the sound of  "Barwick Green" plays from an old music box radio.)
Baron: Just catching up with the Archers. I'm the Baron Bondfan. Welcome, welcome. Please come in.
(Higgy kneels down and throw the trainer at the Baron's calendar. The Baron looks around.)
Baron: But today is the 13th.
Higgy: I'm meretricious.
Baron: And a Merry Christmas to you too. Let us go and meet my family.

(Loud screeching can be heard as they proceed. The Prince and Higgy look nervous.)
Baron: No need to worry, that’s just my stepdaughters! They’re so excited you are here. (Ushering them in.) Let me introduce them. This is Paula, and this is Paula.
Higgy: Oh no they’re not.
Stepdaughters: (Screeching in unison.) Oh yes, we are.
Prince: What a noise! Shocking. Positively shocking.
1st Paula: (Shouting at the Prince.) The trainer! Did you bring it? Where is it?
2nd Paula: (Shouting louder.) Yes, where is it? I want to see the green trainer!
Higgy: (Shouting back.) Oh no you don’t.
2nd Paula: (Voice at fever pitch and towering over Higgy.) Oh yes, I DO. 
(Higgy runs behind a chair.)
Prince: She must have scared the living daylights out of him.
1st Paula: Oh, she’s very scary. She’s been known to make scarecrows run a mile!
2nd Paula: (Glowering at her sister.) Oh no I haven’t.
1st Paula: Oh yes, you have.
2nd Paula: The only scarecrow I know is you and you’re too fat to run a mile.
1st Paula: (Kicking her.) Why you nasty little…..
Baron: Paulas! Please! Remember why the Prince is here. (Turning to Prince Daniel.) Well, that's sisters for you, they always know which buttons to press.
1st Paula: (Turns and gives the Prince a sickly, sweet smile that makes his stomach churn….) I’d like to try on the green trainer first. It’s sure to fit me.
2nd Paula: Well, get on with it then. Nothing can be as painful as listening to you talk.
Higgy: (Emerging from behind the chair.) Must they try it on? They’ll ruin it.
Prince: Oh no they won’t.
Higgy: Oh yes, they will.
Both Paulas: (Pointing at each other.) She will.
(1st Paula sits on the chair and holds her foot up ready for the trainer. Before Higgy has a chance to try it on her, 2nd Paula snatches it from him.)
2nd Paula: That’s my green trainer. I recognise it. I lost it at the ball that night.
1st Paula: Oh no you didn’t.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, I did.
1st Paula: You’re just saying that because you know it will fit me.
2nd Paula: Oh no it won’t.
1st Paula: (Sticking her tongue out at her sister.) Oh yes, it will.
Higgy: (Whispering to Prince Daniel.) You will need a great deal of luck to get out of this.
Prince: (To 2nd Paula.) Well if it’s yours, then show us the matching one.
2nd Paula: (Panicking.) I, erm, haven’t got it.
Prince: Why not?
2nd Paula: Erm. erm, I lost it.
Prince: How would have Oscar Wilde have put it? To lose one green trainer would be an accident. To lose two, would seem like carelessness.
1st Paula: Oh, she’s very careless. She’s always losing stuff.
2nd Paula: Oh no I’m not.
1st Paula: (Pulling her sister’s hair.) Oh yes, you are.
2nd Paula: Leave my beautiful hair alone.
1st Paula: You mean rat’s tails. Now give me that trainer. (She snatches it back and attempts to put it on.)
2nd Paula: It doesn’t fit. Look, it doesn’t fit.
Baron: I think you’ve got it round the wrong way.
1st Paula: (Turning it around and trying to push her foot in.) It fits.
2nd Paula: Oh no it doesn’t.
1st Paula: Oh yes, it does.
Higgy: (Whispering to Prince Daniel.) That girl didn't know one end of the trainer from the other.
Prince: We all make mistakes, Higgy.
1st Paula: I’ll make it fit. All I need is my heel to go in.
2nd Paula: Hah, that will never happen, it sticks out too far.
1st Paula: (Desperate for the green trainer to fit.) Just bring me a knife.
2nd Paula: It'll take more than cutting off your heels, Paula, to turn you into a princess.
1st Paula: Oh no it won’t, I have the looks of a princess.
2nd Paula: With that face? A princess has a nose, not a banana!
1st Paula: You’re just jealous because I’m prettier than you! (Turning to the Baron.) Aren’t I?
Baron: Well, it's all a matter of perspective.
2nd Paula: (To the Prince.) You wouldn't touch that horrible woman, would you?
Prince: I find her fascinating. But she needs a psychiatrist, not me.
Higgy: The trainer clearly doesn’t fit. You should take it off so your sister can try. 
1st Paula: Oh no I shouldn’t.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, you should. (She pulls the green trainer off her sister’s foot, sits down and tries to force it on.)
Prince and Higgy together: Does it fit?
2nd Paula: Yes. It fits perfectly.
1st Paula: Oh no it doesn’t.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, it does. You can see it does.
1st Paula: You must give me the name of your oculist. Because we all know your foot is only half in.
2nd Paula: Not for long. I’ll make it fit even if I have to make my toes shorter.
Higgy: (Horrified.) You’d do that?
2nd Paula: Of course.
1st Paula: Well then, you're an idiot.
2nd Paula: Oh no I’m not.
1st Paula: Oh yes, you are. It’s not going to fit so you should give up trying.
2nd Paula: Why is it that people who can't take advice always insist on giving it?
Prince: Well, I’ve seen enough. It obviously doesn’t fit either sister.
Higgy: (Sighing with relief.) So can we go home now?
Prince: Yes. (Turning to 2nd Paula). Give Higgy back the green trainer.
2nd Paula: I can’t. It’s stuck.
Higgy: Oh no it’s not.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, it is.
1st Paula: Here let me help you. (She grabs her sister’s foot and tugs and twists the trainer off, while her sister screams.)
Higgy: Ouch. I do hope that doesn't hurt too much.
(The sound of giggling is heard from the kitchen. Both sisters look at each other, rush to the door and fling it open. A girl moves quickly away.)
1st Paula: That's a naughty little habit. Listening at keyholes.
2nd Paula: And laughing at us.
Prince: (Addressing the Baron.) Wait, you never said there was another girl here.
Baron: Oh, that’s just Cinders.
Prince: Cinders?
1st Paula: She’s not worth bothering with.
2nd Paula: It’s not like she went to the ball.
Cinders: (Quietly.) Oh yes, I did.
Paula and Paula: (Loudly.) OH NO YOU DIDN’T.
Prince: (Excitedly.) Oh yes, she did. (Turning to Cinders.) I'd recognize you anywhere.
(Cinders looks down at her rags and feels ashamed to be seen by the Prince.)
Higgy: She must try on the green trainer.
Sisters: Oh no she mustn’t.
Prince: Oh yes, she must. (Without taking his eyes off her, he leads her to the chair.) We only met briefly, but you left a lasting impression.
(Higgy puts the trainer on Cinder’s foot. The Baron and the sisters gasp! It fits perfectly!!!!!!!!)
Prince: (On cloud nine.) For your foot only!
1st Paula: (Greener than the trainer, with envy.) It DOESN’T fit. Her heel is sticking out.
2nd Paula: (Even greener.) It DOESN’T fit. Her toes are curled under.
Prince: (Ignoring both sisters and gazing at Cinders.) You're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen.
Cinders: You shouldn't stare.  (She giggles.)
Prince: Well, you shouldn’t look like that.
Baron: She likes you. I can see it.
2nd Paula: Oh no she doesn’t.
Cinders: Oh yes, I do.
(Suddenly an icy cold voice cuts through the air).
Baroness: Cinders! Why are you out of the kitchen? I don't want you getting dishpan hands but you know that’s where you belong.
Baron: Ah Prince, meet my wife, the overbearing, um,I mean lovely caring Baroness Bondfan. She's capable, cooperative, (Cough.) and her loyalty to the State is beyond question.
(Before the Prince has a chance to say a word, the Baroness lunges at Cinders.)
Baroness: What do you think you are doing, wearing that green trainer?
Cinders: (Timidly.) It’s mine.
Baroness: (With a loud snort.) Oh no it’s not.
Higgy: (Afraid she would want to try it on, and break it.) Oh yes, it is.
1st Paula: Oh no it’s not
Prince: (Using his most official voice.) Oh yes, it is
2nd Paula: Oh no it’s not.
(There is a moment of silence, then they all look at the Baron.)
Baron: Well, it does fit her.
(The Baroness glares at him angrily.)
Baron: Well, you shouldn't look like that. The girl deserves some happiness.
Both Paulas: Oh no she doesn’t!
Baron: Oh yes, she does.
(Cinders reaches into her pocket and pulls out something green.)
Cinders: Look, I have the other one.
Higgy: (Jumping up and down.) The matching green trainer!
Baron: That proves it. It is hers, both trainers are.
Prince: (Getting on one knee.) I love you. I know I'll never find another woman like you. Will you marry me?
Cinders: You love me?
Prince: Yes... considerably.
Cinders: Yes, I’ll marry you.
Prince: Oh, I'm so glad. You’re much too nice to be mixed up in anything like this, you know.
Cinders: Will you make love to me all the time in the palace?
Prince: But of course.
(The Prince and Cinders kiss. The Baron and Higgy are happy. The Baroness and her daughters are not.)
Baroness: (Abruptly.) Come, girls. It is time for our massage.         
1st Paula: Wait just a minute. (She approaches Higgy, smiling and fluttering her eyelashes at him.) Do you have a woman of your own?   
(Higgy, a sense of panic and dread coming over him runs and hides under the chair….)



The End
Cinderella will return in…
SHOE ONLY LIVE TWICE
QUANTUM OF SHOELACE
FOR YOUR EYELETS ONLY
...I’ll get my coat.

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

ajb007/martini  Loved all the Bond quotes,
Fantastic  stuff  ajb007/cheers

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Thank you to all who contributed to the panto, it was brilliant  ajb007/cheers

Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

So much effort has been made to give the AJB members a better December. Thank you!

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

It was a pleasure to  participate with all involved  ajb007/heart  so many great ideas
A big Thank-You to all involved, a great fun read.

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Pretty sure no-one really noticed, but that Higgy is quite annoying and pretty confrontational;%

I‘d have a talk with the guy if he was real  ajb007/mad

I think I have to pm a Mod and complain about how he has abused my username and hurt my feelings  ajb007/biggrin  ajb007/biggrin

Last edited by Higgins (5th Dec 2020 16:09)

President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

-------Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!------

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

I'm sure Sir Miles will be happy to hear from you.   ajb007/tongue

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Exactly, Higgins. Completely different from you, and still they use your name. Just like this "Number24" who I'm sure everyone can see has no resemblance to me!

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Barbel wrote:

I'm sure Sir Miles will be happy to hear from you.   ajb007/tongue

Happy?   ajb007/amazed

Oh yes, happy  ajb007/bond

YNWA 96

The Unbearables

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

I hope you've copyrighted this, Barbel, as we know that Babs and MGW frequent AJB on the downlow, and it wouldn't surprise me if NTTD is suddenly ditched and remade using this utterly brilliant script.  ajb007/martini

I'm not sure who they'd get to play Higgy though?

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

If Brad Pitt is busy, you mean?

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Well, Brad would be first choice, but maybe Lewis Hamilton or Harry Styles if not?


https://i.postimg.cc/R6F9yPCV/IMG-3352.jpg

https://i.postimg.cc/ygbBHFWh/IMG-3353.jpg

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

They both are obvious shoe-ins for the role.

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Higgins wrote:

Pretty sure no-one really noticed, but that Higgy is quite annoying and pretty confrontational;%

I‘d have a talk with the guy if he was real  ajb007/mad

I think I have to pm a Mod and complain about how he has abused my username and hurt my feelings  ajb007/biggrin  ajb007/biggrin

You know, Higgins, you're absolutely right. It was shocking, positively shocking of us to give "Higgy" a supporting role in "Cinderella". We won't do that in the next one, I promise.

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

********************
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
********************

Barbel, Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous
with apologies to Charles Dickens


Scene 1. The watch factory of Ebenezer Higgins. Snow is falling as two men engage in a conversation in a cold factory office. One man is placing a single piece of coal on to a tiny fire....

Barbel Scratchit: Not quite a Christmas log, but I'm sure this will help warm my cockles.
Ebenezer Higgins: I don't spend good money on warming your cockles, or pampering your whims.
Scratchit: ‘Tis a long time since I've had my whims pampered, sir.
Ebenezer: Let’s leave them out of this, shall we, and get on with your work.
Scratchit: But, please, Mr Higgins, sir, it is Christmas after all.
Ebenezer: Christmas?! Christmas?  Didn't that happen last year?
Scratchit: It occurs every year sir. A time of jollity and fun and thinking of others.
Ebenezer: No! I have to think of my profit margin, and on seeing others I have a few words ending with “off”. Do you think these priceless timepieces will make themselves?
Scratchit: No sir, but I would so love to spend Christmas Day with Bride of Scratchit and our dear little Tiny TB2.
Ebenezer: WHAT!! The whole DAY!!!! This department is not concerned with your personal problems.
Scratchit: It's just one day, sir.
Ebenezer: Bah! Humbug! Christmas is a day like any other, and you shall work it like any other.
Scratchit: Oh but, Mr Higgins, I would make the time up- just try another day.
Ebenezer: Try another day? Then you shall work double on New Year’s Day.
Scratchit: Very well, sir, but I’m sure that your former partner would have been more generous.
Ebenezer: Asp 9mm? He has been departed these many long years, since the monkey stole his watch and the snake bit him on the ….
Scratchit: … baubles, Mr Higgins, I was just thinking that it would be nice to have some magnificent baubles on our meagre tree this Christmas.
Ebenezer: Not baubles, Scratchit, but humbugs!




Scene 2. Ebenezer Higgins’ home. Framed paintings of various hideously coloured footwear cover the walls. Bookshelves full of many books, most not yet coloured in, plus the great books on timepieces from Dell Deaton, and a signed copy of "The Art of the Deal".

Ebenezer: Christmas? He can count himself lucky I have so generous a nature. When they came round collecting for the local swimming pool, did I not give them a bucket of water? And I even let them keep the bucket.
Still, he can make it up by doing double work on New Year’s Day. Being Scottish, he won’t mind that. The Scots don't celebrate New Year’s Eve, they don't even have a word for Hogmanay. Now, time for bed methinks.
(Ebenezer changes into his bright green nightwear and lies in bed, checking the time on his custom-made timepiece.)
Ebenezer: Now, let me see, it’s just after nine o’clock. Time for…. Zzzzz
(As he sleeps, a tall ghostly figure dressed in a tuxedo walks unsmilingly into the room.)
Ghost: Ebenezer Higgins!
Ebenezer: (Still dreaming.) Again, Asp9mm? But I’m still sore from the… (He awakes.) What? Who are you? What do you want?
Ghost: (Grim and serious.) I am the Bond of Christmas Past.
Ebenezer: Christmas Past?
Ghost: The late 80s, to be exact. Do you not recognise me? Hear my deep, slightly Welsh and yet Northern English voice.
Ebenezer: No! It cannot be!
Ghost: Look into my moist and tearful eyes….
Ebenezer: I know those eyes. Often I have complained about them.
Ghost: Indeed you have, too often! And even more so, you have complained about the box office returns for my adventures!
Ebenezer: But it is true! Your adventures made less money than Pierce Br-
Ghost: Hush, do not speak that name in my presence. You know that “Goldeneye” should have been mine!
Ebenezer: Well, that isn’t exactly how-
Ghost: Hush now. Let Scratchit take Christmas Day off to spend with his family.
Ebenezer: Nonsense. Show me your wrist, ghost!
Ghost: (Showing Ebenezer his wrist.) Well?
Ebenezer: I thought so. A Heuer 980.031 quartz dive watch with a fully black case and bracelet. Not even a Rolex! Why should I listen to the demands of a ghost who’s not wearing a real Bond watch?
Ghost: I’m not sure that there are too many people you do listen to, Ebenezer, as you so amply and regularly demonstrate on AJB. So tell me now, did I scare the, um, living daylights out of you?
Ebenezer: There’s more of gravy than the grave about you, and you are more Swansea than scary. Be off with you, spectre!
Ghost: Spectre? That stuff was old hat when I took over, boyo, but I see that it’s necessary for you to be visited by another such as I before tonight is out. Goodbye, Ebenezer!
(With that, he leaps onto a passing Land Rover, plunges a knife into the roof, and speeds off).
Ebenezer: This is no time for a drive by!

To be continued

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol Brilliant!!!

Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Barbel wrote:

You know, Higgins, you're absolutely right. It was shocking, positively shocking of us to give "Higgy" a supporting role in "Cinderella". We won't do that in the next one, I promise.

I‘ll not let that fly so easily with a half-arsed apology  ajb007/biggrin

I‘ll moan and weep around in this thread until everybody involved has apologized and told me how great I am  ajb007/amazed

President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

-------Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!------

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Higgins wrote:
Barbel wrote:

You know, Higgins, you're absolutely right. It was shocking, positively shocking of us to give "Higgy" a supporting role in "Cinderella". We won't do that in the next one, I promise.

I‘ll not let that fly so easily with a half-arsed apology  ajb007/biggrin

I‘ll moan and weep around in this thread until everybody involved has apologized and told me how great I am  ajb007/amazed

Yes, MHGA!

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Higgins wrote:

I‘ll not let that fly so easily with a half-arsed apology  ajb007/biggrin

I‘ll moan and weep around in this thread until everybody involved has apologized and told me how great I am  ajb007/amazed

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol
I think Higgins's Greatness is ..... " All a matter of perspective "  ajb007/wink
and he certainly "Grates" with some  ajb007/tongue   ( Only joking )  ajb007/cheers

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

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Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Scene 3. Ebenezer has fallen asleep again. Another ghostly figure walks into his room. This one is wearing a toupe, dressed in a tuxedo, and is if anything taller than the last.

Ghost: Ebenezer Higginsh!
Ebenezer: (Still dreaming.) ...half-arsed apology….
Ghost: (More loudly.) Ebenezer Higginsh!!
Ebenezer: (Gradually waking.) ...I‘ll moan and weep around until everybody involved has apologized and told me how great I am….
Ghost: (Losing patience.) EBENEZER HIGGINSH!!!
Ebenezer: (Wakes.) What? Who are you?
Ghost: (Sighs.) It’sh a shad thing. Gone sho briefly, and you sheem to have forgotten me already.
Ebenezer: That voice!
Ghost: I am a highlander. I am a man who would be king, an extraordinary gentleman. And now, alash, I am untouchable. But mosht of all-
Ebenezer: You cannot be…?
Ghost: I am the Bond of Chrishtmash Even Further Pasht. Bond ash in Bond, Jamesh Bond…. Ye Godsh, what are all theshe paintingsh of bloody awful green shoesh on your wallsh?
Ebenezer: These are priceless works of art, depicting the pinnacle of the shoemakers’ esteemed craft.
Ghost: I’ll give you the pinnacle of my shoemaker’sh eshteemed craft, right up your-
Ebenezer: No! Please!
Ghost: The Shpirit of Bond compelsh you, Ebenezer Higginsh. Turn from your mishguided waysh, and shee that a traditional family Chrishtmash includesh everyone watching “You Only Live Twice” after the Queen’sh shpeech.
Ebenezer: Not “The Spy Who Loved Me”, then?
Ghost: No, I’m not in that one. Let poor Shcratchit have the day off with hish family, eating gooshe and watching Bond.
Ebenezer: Nonsense. Show me your wrist, ghost!
Ghost: (Showing Ebenezer his wrist.)  What’sh next, Higginsh? I sh’pose you’d like to shee my-
Ebenezer: Aha! The Rolex Submariner, Reference 6538. At least you have more taste than my last visitor, and I have to say the luminous dial and markers are a lovely shade of green.
Ghost: Look at the shcene before you, Ebenezer. (He draws back a curtain, and we see the AJB canteen. Scratchit is playing “Good Christmas Morning AJB Town” on his bass fiddle, while the other members dance merrily as TP serves ale to all. Sir Miles does his famous tutu dance while Number24 dances with his favourite centrefold and waltherp99 does the splits. In one corner sits a lonely figure, feet clad in bright green slippers, ignoring the revelry.). Higginsh, look, you are misshing all the fun. Repent your waysh!
Ebenezer: Fun? Looks to me like they are a bunch of loons.
Ghost: Higginsh, I shan’t ashk you politely next time. Are you going to let poor Shcratchit have the day off?
Ebenezer: There’s more of gravy than the grave about you, and you are more Dundee than dread. Be off with you, spectre!
Ghost: Shpectre? Aah yesh, a worthy foe I met many timesh and one they’ve had to bring back to try to make the new onesh ash good ash mine.
Ebenezer: No luck so far with that, I fear- and if they don’t hurry up with the next one we’ll all be ghosts too.
Ghost: I shee that it’s necesshary for you to be vishited by another shuch ash I. Goodbye, Ebenezer!
(With that, he straps on a jetpack and departs upwards at an alarming rate.)
Ebenezer: This is no time to fly!

To Be Continued

75

Re: AJB's Christmas Pantomime and more

Barbel wrote:

Scene 3.
Ghost: Ebenezer Higginsh!
Ebenezer: (Still dreaming.) ...half-arsed apology….
Ghost: (More loudly.) Ebenezer Higginsh!!
Ebenezer: (Gradually waking.) ...I‘ll moan and weep around until everybody involved has apologized and told me how great I am….

ajb007/lol ajb007/lol ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."